On my mind.

Some things that are on my mind right now-

So I'm not depressed, as I thought I might have been a week ago. I was actually more worried that I was STARTING to get depressed as opposed to actually BEING depressed. I can't think of a time when I was truly depressed, because I normally kick myself in the ass when I feel like I'm being a pathetic asshole. So anytime I've started to feel overly mopey and overly sorry for myself, to the point where it's just childish and no longer acceptable, I've always given myself a good punch (metaphorically...I don't actually beat myself in the head) and told myself it's time to get the fuck over it.

So when I consider the reality of things, I'm really not all that off the mark. I'm a 21-year-old who's been in junior college for over a year longer than he should've been who would rather read a Marie Anotinette biography than go drinking at some frat bar and is still in love with his boyfriend that broke up with him two weeks ago. Really, am I that bad off? Everyone's been in the same boat I'm currently in, everyone's had their heart broken and everyone's loved someone that didn't love them back. And you know what? The world keeps on turning.

The good thing is, I guess if there can be a good thing from all of this, that Brandon understands I'm still in love with him and though it's a bit uncomfortable when we're trying to establish a strictly platonic relationship, he knows I just have to give myself time to get over him and he doesn't think I'm a pathetic baby because of it. So I guess that's a good thing, because he could always be an ass about it and just tell me I'm creeping him out and to leave him alone, but this shows that he does still care and I do still play an important role in his life, even if he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Then the big question is, once again- are things really that bad? From what I've learned these past two weeks- no. And will things get better? Well, around this time last year I thought I would never find a suitable boyfriend and I'd be single until God knows when, and guess what- I ended up having a boyfriend for pretty much most of 2007. So what does that prove? That proves that hey, good things will happen when you least expect it. So instead of whining and being a baby about everything, just go out there, live your life, do your thing, and good things will come your way.

Music rant!!!!

It's been a while since I've discussed one of my favorite topics- music. So here we go.

Number one- the Backstreet Boys. Yes, they're still around, still making music...does anyone care? Not particularly. I don't know what it will take to make these guys think that nobody is interested anymore in middle-aged dudes who have not exactly aged gracefully (come on, between them and 'N Sync, the Backstreets were never the better-looking) and they generally are still putting out the same type of music that they made 10 years ago- i.e. boring ballads.

Number two- the Spice Girls. WHAT IS THIS 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So as you MAY have heard, the Spice Girls reunited and are currently on a fairly massive world tour which apparently is going quite well. Musically, not so much. Their "comeback" single (and we use that term loosely), "Headlines", flopped quite terribly on the UK charts, meaning that it wasn't some gigantic number 1 hit. Their greatest hits CD "only" reached number 2 on the UK charts and is currently being sold only through Victoria's Secret right now in the United States. Being that the Spice Girls were never as popular here as they were across the Atlantic, though they were fairly massive nonetheless, I doubt their CD is going to cause much sensation in this country.

Number three- Girls Aloud. Oh I'm sorry, their new album Tangled Up is only the most amazing thing to smack pop music right in the face this year. It's been out for over a month and I still can't get over it.

That's all I can muster up for now.

BjklfhsdjfhsdjHfjk

I am tiiiiiired of being at wooooooork. Worked until 11 last night, came back at 8 this morning. Thank Allah I'm off the next two days.

So here's what my schedule is for the next couple of weeks-

Tuesday: Finals
Wednesday: End of Finals!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: WORK AGAIN
Sunday: DAMMIT WORK!!!!
Monday: FREAKIN' A- WORK WORK WORK
Tuesday: No work thank God, my grandparents are coming over to start making tamales for Christmas. Uh, chyea, super excited.
Wednesday: DISNEYLAND!!!!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: Christmas Dinner!
Sunday: Work
Monday: NO WORK IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Tuesday: Christmas Day...sadly I work for a few hours, but afterwards I'm heading to the Oliphants' and Brittany and I are going to Wii it up hardcore.

Sounds good. Fingers crossed that my car will be done and I'll get it back today. It's been five days. :(

Here's what I've decided.

I've made a decision.

As of Dec. 8, 2007, Mark is officially on a complete break from guys.

It's not anything out of bitterness, but I've realized that, even though before I met Brandon I was single for three years, in reality I haven't been completely uninvolved with guys for anything longer than maybe two or three months. Because in some way or other, I've still talked to guys, still gone on occassional dates, and you know what- I think I'm kind of over it for now.

I've only been single for a week so I'm not going to jump into anything anytime soon. And obviously, if I do jump into anything soon all I'm going to do is think about how he's not Brandon and constantly compare him to Brandon (since I still have feelings for Brandon, obviously). So either way it's just not going to work.

Plus, I really need to get myself to understand that you don't HAVE to have some type of guy interest to be happy, whether it be a boyfriend or a flirt or an occassional hook-up. I need to focus on my friends, focus on my family, focus on ME, focus on school, focus on work, focus on doing the things I want and just letting everything else fall into place.

So with that said, I guess I'm just continuing down the path to finding myself. I'm in a position I certainly wasn't expecting myself to be, I was expecting to still have a boyfriend and to be working with that. But plans change, so you just have to adapt and let life take you where it will.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, on a different note, that my grandparents are coming sometime this week and we're going to start making tamales, so I'll be able to have some to bring for the Christmas dinner. I know you all are excited.

Okay, so....

I like Christmas music and all...but I'm sick of hearing 50 VERSIONS OF THE SAME SONG!!!! They're playing Christmas music at my work and I'm already getting tired of it. Also, I don't like poppy versions of Christmas songs. To me, they're just annoying. I like choral versions of Christmas songs, nice, pretty, classical, etc. Not Jessica Simpson or Destiny's Child bullshit singing "Jingle Bells". Give me Charlotte Church singing some operatic version of "O Holy Night", and I'm fine with that. Even though Charlotte Church is a cunt. Haha.

Better.

Things are slowly getting better. It's still only been four days, but today is the first day where I haven't cried and overall I feel more hopeful than I have these past few days.

I went over and visited him for a little bit last night, and I think that did exactly what I hoped it would. I think a big part of my sadness was the fact that I went from seeing him or at least talking to him every single day for 9 months straight, to after one night having no communication with him at all. So I texted him and asked him if I'd be able to talk to him after he got off work, and he said that'd be fine. So I went over, we asked each other how we were doing. It seems like we're both in the same place, we were both upset and having a hard time coping with it, but he seemed like he was starting to get to the healing point, which is where I feel like I am right now. It was a little awkward, we both admitted, but we sort of laughed about it, and we both agreed that we'll eventually be comfortable with each other.

That really made me feel good, seeing him and knowing that everything really is going to be fine between us. It's like I've been telling everyone- there aren't hard feelings at all. I'm not angry with him, I'm not scornful, I'm not bitter. I was upset these past few days because this was my first serious relationship and I truly do care about him and love him, but I know he had his reasons for making this decision. I want him to do what he feels is best for him, even if that means sacrificing some of my happiness. Because you don't want to be with someone that isn't completely sure of being with you, right? Right. I know he cares about me and it does provide a lot of comfort that he wants to continue being part of my life.

So, in conclusion, everything is slowly but surely starting to get better. Like I said, no tears today, so hopefully that continues. :) I'm hopeful for the future, and I know eventually I'll meet someone new and this experience has only made me understand more of what I'm looking for and what I want in a relationship.

In other news, I'm extremely excited for the Christmas dinner and for Disneyland. Another thing about last night, Brandon had said that he had put down he wasn't sure if he'd go to the dinner just because he didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me, and I'd like it if he still went, so that should be fun. But yes, Christmas dinner and Disneyland. Should be uber-fun.

I guess that's that.

After nine months and twelve days, Brandon and I are officially over. I don't quite know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions I'm feeling- anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and in a strange way maybe relief and understanding?

I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.

The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?

I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.

I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.

I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.

And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.

I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.

I have no regrets.

Thoughts.

I've been doing perhaps an unecessary amount of reflecting lately, but I feel like I've gotten myself into such an unattractive rut that going back and finding the source of it all is the best option. Thank God for Livejournal, seriously, because I've realized that since I started it back in the summer of 2003, it's been probably the only place where I can get an accurate view of how my life was and how I was personally during any given period of time. So in my down-time, I've been flipping through the archives of my original Livejournal account and my current account, and it's been interesting just seeing where my head was at and how things were going.

Senior year in particular was such a bizarre time for me. I felt like when I was a junior everything was so new and exciting, like that was really my first year where I began to grow up. I had my first romance (that wasn't with a girl and could therefore constitute itself as legit), I had my license, my car, first job, and really was the first time I felt independent and could do (for the most part, parents' curfew notwithstanding) what I wanted. But by senior year a lot of that naive luster had rubbed off, and my outlook became more cynical. My peers were annoying, my mom was trying to make my life miserable, I was single for pretty much the entire year which translated into I'm unattractive and alone- just really petty, typical teenage angst bullshit that I allowed myself to get caught up in.

And of course, it's only when you've removed yourself from it and you look back that you realize just how dumb you were. I started so many stupid fights, allowed myself to get mixed up in the gossip and politics of being a vapid, stupid high school student living in Santa Clarita, when in reality I should have just not given a fuck, had fun, enjoyed my friends, and ridden it all out as happily as possible. Overall, I really did enjoy high school. I look back on it with fond memories, and all the drama just sort of becomes funny and adds to those memories.

In reality, I had a great group of friends in high school. They weren't shallow, they didn't stress over popularity or cliques, they understood me and could relate to me in my quest to just do what I want and not care about what others thought. And sure, we were all stupid and all had our dumb teenage moments (because we were teenagers, oddly enough), but when it boiled down to the core, we were all a pretty unique breed of teenager. We were sure of ourselves, for the most part, and we didn't need to subject ourselves to the trite shit that our classmates were doing. While you were hanging out at the mall buying up racks of Hollister or Abercrombie, we were using Brittany Oliphant's video camera to make movies where we just ran around screaming, tackling each other, and using five or six different accents in a five-minute span. While you were going off to Nike Base in your boyfriend's lifted truck smoking out or making out, we were having motorhome parties on the way to Disneyland. While you were having sleepovers and talking shit about this bitch or that bitch and then making Myspace posts about it, we were taking pictures of ourselves making ugly faces and making Myspace posts about THAT.



The point was, we knew how to have fun in our own way and didn't feel the need to do shit that would eventually turn us into the skanky soccer moms and wannabe-bro dads that populate this fucking town. I think, even in the face of all the drama that might have happened and the times when we DID act like typical teenagers, our experiences together and our ability to just let loose and be ourselves has made us richer and stronger than anyone else we went to high school with. I really want all my friends to know just how much of an impact they had on me, and how much they helped me get to where I am now, because I feel more assured of myself and more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have before. I owe a huge part of it to my friends, for encouraging me and dragging me out of my shell to become who I am today.

Tra la la la la la la....poop.

How about we stop for two seconds with the months flying by? Hmmm? November is going to be over in four days...I don't even remember this month beginning and now it's come and gone.

So I suppose everything is pretty dandy. I'm just a bit stressed out over money at the moment- with starting over at the new hotel our paychecks kind of got screwed up, I had to register for school last week and will have to pay for that, on top of my other monthly bills, overdrew my bank account last week (big ouch). Not so good in that department, especially considering I have TWO paychecks left before Christmas. So I'll be trying to work a lot and get plenty of overtime for the next few weeks.

Otherwise, things are well. I'm trying to keep busy with school, and planning holiday things. Like the Christmas dinner. I'm busy making invitations, trying to convince my mom to let us have it at our house (if not, then we'll do it at Brittany's, which is always fun), trying to decide what food we want to make for it, then eventually getting decorations for it. I love planning parties, it truly is one of my favorite things in life. :)

What else....at our Thanksgiving last Sunday my aunt Dede said we could have Christmas Eve over at their house this year, because my mom is tired of having it at our house (since 2001, Christmas Eve has been at our house every year EXCEPT in 2004. And we didn't make tamales that year, which caused a huge scandal in the family haha). Me personally, I can understand my mom wanting a break from having it at our house, being the one who has to do the housecleaning, the cooking, etc etc., but I think that when I'm older and have my own house and my kids and stuff, I won't mind having Christmas all the time at my house. Mostly because I'm a control freak when it comes to parties or gatherings and I like having them in my domain so I can keep them under my organization haha. I'm a freak, I know.

I had dinner last night with Ms. Amanda Critser, whom I have not seen since my birthday party, four months ago. Kind of sad that it's been four months since I've seen my best friend of the past fourteen years, but the good thing is we go right back to where we left off.I wonder what the agenda is for New Year's, if we're going to have a big bash like we did last year at Annie's house, or if everyone's doing their own thing. It doesn't really matter to me what I do, as long as I'm with Brandon and Brittany, haha.

Work is so boring. It's my sixth day in a row of work, thankfully I'm off the next two consecutive days, but today is just dragging. It's not busy and we're just standing around. Lames. I want to play with Brittany. :(

Novemberrrrr.

Well, it's finally November. I can't believe how quickly 2007 has passed by; then again that's exactly what I thought about 2006 and 2005, so I suppose that's just the way life is. Still, it only seems like the other day when we were partying and ringing in the new year at Annie's house...while Sean Lay was puking his guts out in her bathroom...and then a month and a half later I met Brandon and everything changed. I know it sounds cliche to say that he changed my life, but he really did. Looking back at how I felt, how I thought a year before that, I can see a complete difference. I don't know, I just feel more...peaceful, maybe? Maybe more at ease with myself? I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the way I feel now more than before.

So this Saturday will be one year since my aunt passed away. The past few days I've been thinking a lot about it, about how crazy everything was this exact time last year, and I think it just adds to the feeling that things have changed and gone for the better, knowing that even though it still hurts my family has learned to recover and to grow from all of this. The other night at dinner my mom was talking about the day she died and how she found out about it, so obviously she's healed a lot since she's able to talk about it now. Everything always works out, and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that.

Call the Shots

Call the Shots
Static tone on the phone here I'm stuck and alone
Can't make progress anymore
Yes I've tried to mold you and I've failed again
Should leave this on the floor

I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart, no
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

All the fire that burnt so brightly in the beginning
We can't keep trying to make it come back, as much as I'm wishing

I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

I've seen our time glow, seen it shimmer
Then fade like starlight to a glimmer
You see my eyes they're getting dimmer
I hold on to those dreams that glitter

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

9/30/07

Last day of September, and tomorrow begins yet another crazy October. I always get so busy in October, but it's all in good fun.

So it's been a fun weekend. Ended up not going to Vegas, but I've had four days off work and school and believe me, it's been much needed. Let's re-cap--

Wednedsay:
Work, then out for sushi with Brandon and Brittany, then over to Brittany's with Stephanie and Candice to watch America's Next Top Model and Ghost Hunters, and we got to meet Brittany's cousins.
Thursday:
Went to lunch and cruised the mall and Barnes & Noble with my grandparents, then read a bit of my new Marie Antoinette book before going to Brittany's house with Brandon to pick up Kenna and Tory from the airport.
Friday:
Ran some errands, picked up Brandon and we lunched at the Abbey Lane cafe over in Stevenson Ranch- very good, very nice little place. It's my second favorite now in SCV after Wild Thyme. Then Brandon got called into work for a couple of hours, so I went and got Brittany and then we picked him up from work and went to Odyssey Night at Magic Mt. It was pretty fun...Brandon and I held hands around the park, hehe. I've always wanted to just walk around and hold my boyfriend's hand and not think anything of it, so I'm glad that he didn't care for just one night. Sadly there was some tension when we met up with Tamara and a couple of her friends. But oh well, I guess it just shows her true colors and that Brittany doesn't need someone who's all over the place and confused.
Saturday:
Brandon and I got up very early to go to this street art fair in Newhall so he could get extra credit for his art class. It was cool, and I even participated in some of the drawing. Then we took my brother to his bowling practice, where Brandon got to meet my grandparents. After we dropped him at home, we went to Brittany's where there was a big family party going on, which are always fun. Then took Pappas and Brandon to work, then came back and we watched The Lion King in the motorhome. Afterwards we did some sidewalk chalk drawing, which was hilarious. Especially because of Bob's remarks about me and the porn hopscotch I drew. Oh goodness. Then we all went for some drinks at Friday's and it was a lot of fun.
Today:
I am doing laundry, catching up on some school reading, and being laaaazy. I'm sad I have to go back to work tomorrow.

That's it for now.

Maybe I need sleep.

I am so tired that I think it's causing my mind to run into overdrive. There's just so much that I'm thinking about. Everything from school and work and family to friends and Brandon.

School: School is stressful. Aaarrrrggghhhh. But oh well, I like school.

Work: Work is stressful. Aaaarrrrggghhhh. I hate how much sleep I lose because of this job.

Family: I wish I could spend more time with my mom. I feel like she hasn't been terribly happy lately, for some reason. I wish I could see if this is true. And I miss my grandparents so much...even though I saw them yesterday. I just miss seeing them every single day when I was younger and living with them. When they're around I feel like I can be a kid and they'll baby me and sometimes it's nice to be babied.

Friends: I love my friends to death. But for a while now I feel like I am looking for different things than a lot of them. It's really weird, that pretty much since I've turned 21 I have had little interest in drinking or partying, and I know most of my friends aren't out of control and I don't look down upon any of them, but I'm realizing more and more that it's just not my thing. Obviously I've gotten fairly drunk a few times recently and it's been in good fun, but the thing is I only want to keep it to a few times here and there. I can't do every weekend go to a party and throw back some drinks. I can't. And I'm not interested in hanging out somewhere where everyone's drunk and partying and I'm just not in the mood for it. I haven't been in the mood for it. I'd rather sit around and talk, laugh, or go out and play sports, or watch movies. I feel really torn about things because I want to enjoy being 21 and having fun, but I feel like I just want to do it in different ways, and not many people that I have in my life are into that as much as I am.

Brandon: I love him, and I'm happy with him, and there's nothing wrong there. Just sometimes I wonder if we're on the same page in terms of what we want out of each other. And this isn't the first time this thought has come up, so I know it's not something I can shake off but it's not something I should bring out when the past couple weeks it's been going so smoothly between us. I just have to continue thinking about why this keeps coming up and thinking about what it is I'm really looking for.

I wish I could sleep right now.

Poof.

Oh goodness. What a hectic couple of weeks it has been since I last updated. What with school starting and trying to adjust to this new schedule, it's at least been keeping me busy. Which was something that I was wishing for towards the end of the summer break.

So since I last updated, things have improved wonderfully between Brandon and myself. That talk that we had on that one Saturday night really did bring a lot of things to light, and it's good to see that we're both sticking to the things we discussed. In just two weeks it already feels like we've taken big steps forward, so that's good.

School is not bad...but then again it is only the first week. It's kind of interesting having night classes. I definitely like having work and THEN school, because I feel like I can unwind at school, I don't have to be in work-mode, and I enjoy being in class and being in the school mindframe. I'm finding that I'd rather end my day with school than with work.

Anyway, just trying to work a lot and save up some money. Having to pay for my classes and my books this semester was harder than I thought. Mostly because books are so fucking expensive. Brittany and I decided that we want to aim for moving out together in the beginning of 2008, so I'm trying to focus my finances on that. Going to Las Vegas a month from now for my stepdad's annual family reunion, so that's exciting considering I haven't actually gone out of town in a long time. Well, if you count going up north to see my aunt numerous times last fall, but that wasn't exactly a vacation obviously.

That is all for now.

Can we bring yesterday back around? Cos I know how I feel about you now

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the past nine hours. Brandon and I had a very serious argument/conversation last night, and we got a huge amount of feelings, thoughts, insecurities, and one pretty big confession out in the open. At the end of it, we both agreed that we were on a clean slate and it feels like things will be fine from here and much better than they have been recently.

There is still a small part of me that feels haunted by one of these things. I will stand by him, and we both want to move forward and continue growing, but as of right now I still can't completely shake it. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I won't let this be the end of our relationship, because we have come too far in such a short amount of time to let something that truly was a mistake bring this all to an end. I just need a few days to process this, and I'll be fine.

Still, I feel like crying. I keep thinking about the days when we first met and when everything was still so new between us, and how much fun we'd have and how exciting it was at the idea of new love. I know we can bring ourselves back to those days, but just for right now I feel vulnerable and a bit sad. I won't give up on him though, and I won't give up on us. We'll find the way back to the right path, and we'll continue going wherever and however long it takes us.

Just some lyrics about how I feel right now-
It was so easy that night
Shoulda been strong, yeah I lied
Nobody gets me like you do
I know everything changes
All the cities and faces
But I know how I feel about you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
All that it takes, one more chance
Don't let our last kiss be our last
Give me tonight, and I'll show you
I know everything changes,
I don't care where it takes us
'cause I know how I feel about you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
Not a day passed me by, not a day passed me by
When I don't think about you
And there's no moving on, 'cause I know you're the one
And I can't be without you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down (I let you down)
But I know how I feel about you now
But I know how I feel about you now
Yeah I know how I feel about you now

A couple of times lately I've wondered whether I should walk away from this, and last night for a small second I truly felt like I might lose him. And that feeling scared me and saddened me so much. But if it's not worth crying over, then is it really worth anything? We feel frustrated and we feel sad because we know that it's worth it.

Mark is such a good boyfriend.

Why, you ask? Because of the following reasons...

1. I'm coming by Brandon's mom's house once a day while they're out of town to feed and play with their dog and to water his mom's plants.

2. I just bought us tickets to see one of his favorite bands, the Tokyo Police Club, in October.

3. I'm going to buy him a very very expensive Christmas present.

So let this be a lesson to you all that you'd be lucky to date me. ;)

JOKING! I'll stop being a concieted asshole now.

You can stand under my umbrella. Bitch.

Just some thoughts. I'm really really tired so I'm kind of in a weird, goofy mood.

#1. I got to sleep over at Brandon's last night and I get to do it again tonight. Yay :)

#2. I've had this blog for over a year now...my first entry was like a day or two before my birthday last year. Time flies.

#3. I think I should be an umbrella for Halloween. That would be really funny. I'd make it extremely random and just what the fuck.

#4. I WANT A BEACH TRIP. We need to organize this.

#5. Brandon's kickback is tonight, and it should be fun. I hope a lot of his friends come, because I've only met/hung out with Cody and Britney. They're both really cool, especially Britney but I've hung out with her more than I have Cody, but I like Cody also. I'd really like to meet more of his friends. A couple of them have left comments on his Myspace or Facebook saying that they want to meet me, so I guess the feeling's mutual. We'll see.

#6. Last night after work I went to Albertson's to get some food and alcohol for the kickback before heading over to Brandon's, and my cousin Donnie was working. It was really funny. He was pretty surprised to see me buying a bottle of Jaegermeister (spelling?) and a bottle of Bailey's, I think because a) he forgets that I'm older than him, and b) he probably still thinks of me as a goody-goody nerdy kid from back in the day. But it was good seeing him.

Uh, I guess that's it.

Well

I guess every blog will just be about Brandon. Oh well, it happens.

Anyway, things have gotten better since I last updated. He seems to have returned to his same, silly old self...which I'm glad about. At my birthday party on Saturday he gave me a ring that had the date we first met inscribed on the inside, which is quite possibly the cutest gift I have ever recieved in my entire life. I definitely realize that a lot of my frustrations are self-inflicted and I have to stop myself from freaking out. I think a huge part of it is I'm a creature of habit. When certain things have happened to me before, I look for patterns to repeat themselves. So that's how I've been approaching a lot of things in my relationship with Brandon, when I have to realize he is a different person and what we have is unlike anything I've experienced before. He's not like the guys from my past, and that's something I have to be happy about.

We've been together for just over five months now and we're at the point where it's not completely lovey-dovey, that we have to work at it and have to truly figure each other out. I think we're doing an okay job, but it's just strange for me because I've never been in a relationship long enough for it to get to this point. But he's been patient with me and I appreciate that so much.

Anyway, Brittany and I were talking last week about having a beach trip, so that's something I would love to put together before summer is over. Maybe even BEACH CAMPING!!! Because I haven't been on any sort of trip this summer, other than Disneyland back in June. Hmmm, I shall attempt to set this up. Even if it ends up being just a day trip, it'd still be most fun.

Am I supposed to change, are you supposed to change?

Here's what scares me. My gut feeling.

Most people's gut feelings are right on a majority of occassions. Mine is no exception. Now that I look back on it, I realize that each of the times a guy has broken up with me, I could feel something beforehand. It happened with Spencer, it happened with Matt, who were the two boyfriends of mine that dumped me in the end.

I'm not saying I feel like it's going to happen with me and Brandon, but I definitely feel like something is off between us, ever since he returned from Canada. When he got back I was envisioning us being totally excited and thrilled to see each other again, and the first night he was back it definitely was.

Since then, however...not so much. It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been very warm. As a matter of fact it's felt cold. When we've been alone together these past couple of days, I don't know...it feels weird. I told him a couple of days ago that I think it's been different since he's been back, and he says nothing is wrong with him and everything is fine. I was moody a few times earlier this week and he said that's the only thing that he's noticed, but even on my birthday and yesterday when I was in a good mood I just felt like he wasn't really all there.

Last night I don't know why or how, but I just got really upset and just sat and cried to myself in bed. I kept thinking what happens if he does break up with me, and I kept thinking to myself that something just didn't feel right. It was my gut. My gut keeps telling me this, and I can't ignore it. He's at Magic Mountain today so I can't talk to him. I want to talk to him but I feel like since we already had a talk earlier this week about it, he might think I'm being overly emotional or paranoid.

I just want to know everything will be all right.

I'm yours.

I want to be the one you grow old with, the one you imagine your life with- because I want to grow old with you, too. I don't understand how or why this happened, all I know is I've found you and I'll fight with every weapon I've got to keep us together. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I lay in bed at night and imagine that I'm holding you 'til I finally drift asleep. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I can only talk about how much I want you to come home. And when I see you again, even after only a few days, I'll hug you and kiss you like we've been apart for years. You've got to believe this, because I believe in it. For the first time in my life I'm finally, completely, unquestionably sure of something- that we were brought together for a reason and that this will change both of our lives forever. You've already changed mine, because you make me realize what's important, you make me appreciate things that I just didn't take the time to see. When you tell me you love me, it makes me feel worthy and important, because only a person of great value should be loved by someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. How can it be that I haven't even known you half a year, and yet I feel completely confident picturing my future with you, because you've fit into my life so perfectly? I know this is real, and I know that you're the one.

Kind of sums how I feel...

At my place and I was on the phone
But it's you that I'll always call my home
In a world where the sun don't always shine
I can see tropicana in your eyes

When you're gone, my loneliness is real
Got your love to remind me how to feel
In my head I can see our long goodbye
You kiss my lips as I try to fix your tie

I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me
I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say

Cos dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call
Dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call

Please means more, I see you knocking at the door
Got it right in my place
Cos dreams means five and I'll be rocking on the floor
Can't you see it in my face?

Ugh..I miss him.

Stay up 'til four in the morning, and the tears are pouring, and I want to make it worth the fight.

It's strange just how comfortable I feel right now. For so long, even when things were going great, I felt like there was something more I always had to strive for. Sometimes you should keep your aspirations high, but don't keep wishing things were better. Because you'll miss what's already in front of you. It's been so crazy these past months. Probably from about July 2006 onwards. I've noticed so many changes with myself, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I've grown significantly.

A lot of it had to do with my aunt's death. So much can change within such a short amount of time. February 2006 my aunt is diagnosed with cancer, and nine months later she is dead. How could any of us anticipated that?

You can't live life being bitter, putting people down, or worrying over insignificant things. I'm noticing that I do those things, and I'm trying to overcome that. Sure, there are people around me that I don't like, but at the end of the day what do I accomplish by bad-mouthing them? Absolutely nothing. I just need to accept their personalities and, if anything, just ignore them and keep being myself. And why be bitter? It's all right to be upset, but I have to learn to stop and think about just how monumental this setback is. If it's nothing that I'm going to care about two days from now, why should I be upset over it? And if it's not something I can brush under the rug, then address it and attempt to solve it.

I've also learned a lot since my cousin Sara had her baby. Seeing how little Elena has brought so much light to our family after we were grieving for my aunt is truly a miracle. My grandmother says that God planned it all out- my aunt and Elena were both born in January, and Elena was brought to us so soon after my aunt's death to remind us that life does go on in the face of death. That's a bit philosophical and religious for someone like me, but I completely agree with my grandmother.

I'm so happy with the people in my life. I've rekindled friendships over the past few months, and established new ones along the way. I couldn't be happier that people like Brittany, Pappas, Annie, Michael, Stevi, and others that I can't seem to think of right now are my closest friends...considering right after high school ended I felt like I had grown apart from most of them for good. It just goes to show that the people who are meant to be in your life are the ones that will make their way back when you least expect it. I'm so happy that I've met Brandon and that our lives have just fit together in the right places.

In short, do what makes you happy. Do what you feel is right for you, regardless of what other people say. Your friends and family are there to guide you and support you, but ultimately the decisions are sitting in your hands. Make the best of it. Laugh a lot. Travel. Be lazy more than once in a while. Eat a lot. Just live the way you want.

One step too far

I hate when I feel this way. Why do I have to work myself into hyperdrive when I ought to just be content and happy with how things are? I'm not UNhappy, but there's a nagging thought in the back of my head that can't seem to handle what's going on here. No one has ever loved me or cared for me the way he does, so there has to be a catch to all of this. What is that catch? I'm being stupid, but this is how I've always been. I just can't completely accept someone loving me. I always have to look for the "but". "He says he loves me, BUT..." - that's the conversation that always plays out in my head. What is that "but"? What is the catch? There shouldn't be one, because I know he's different than the others. I know he wouldn't play games with me. So why do I keep playing games with myself?

Life.

If I could map out the perfect life for myself, here's what it'd be like:



I'd be done with college, living a modest, comfortable life, with my husband (hopefully Brandon, but hey that can all change), with one kid, teaching history at a local college and doing my hobbies and spending time with my family and friends in my free time.



I used to think being successful was having an education, having an abundance of money, pushing yourself above and beyond expectations and winning universal admiration. Some of that can be attributed to success. But I used to think if I didn't get a high-paying job, didn't live in a huge house and didn't drive an expensive car, that I wouldn't be considered successful. Over the past year or so I've been changing that perception, and now my idea of being successful is different.

Being successful is doing exactly what I want to be doing, living the exact life I want to be living. I don't need to live in some seaside mansion or have three BMWs in the driveway. I just want to do something I'm passionate about, spending my life with the people I'm most passionate about. Waking up every morning and thinking to myself "I have exactly what I want", that equates success.

Don't panic, panic

All right. Here's the problem, America.

WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING FERGIE'S MUSIC????

Let's take a look at how successful she has been on the U.S. singles chart...

"London Bridge" - #1
"Fergalicious" - #2
"Glamorous" -#1

NOTICING A TREND HERE? Her singles are doing very well in this godforsaken country. WHY? Everyone knows she's complete horse shit. Why encourage her? Because now she's got a new song called "Big Girls Don't Cry" and I swear to God if this becomes another "smash hit" I will find every person who downloaded/bought/requested this song and I will punch you in the womb. I don't care if you're a male and don't have a womb, I'll punch you so hard it'll make you wish you had a womb for me to punch.

If that made any sense...

Carry on.

This might be a bit TMI...

Do you ever notice that after having good and I mean REALLY good sex, you're just in an overall good mood? And you feel like eating candy? And just want to take a nap for a few hours? Yeah. Definitely how I feel right now.

I know you so want to hear this from me right now.

Stuff.

I've got Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" stuck in my head.

Anyway.

I want to go to Disneyland SO bad. I just need to get my season pass. I should get my season pass when I take Brandon to Disneyland next month for his graduation. Yes. I should.

This weekend was pleasant. Worked on Friday and Saturday mornings. Friday evening I took Brandon and his friend Britney down to Hollywood, followed by a late dinner with Pappas, Michael, Antonio, Shane and Eddie (I could've done without Shane or Eddie, but whatever) and ended the night with Pappas, Brandon and myself visiting Brittany Oli. Saturday after work I visited the Oliphant woman at work, and we golf carted around Central Park. When she got off we had dinner at Mimi's Cafe, then went to Goodwill and Ross in attempts to find get-ups for the Rollerdisco party. We failed. But no matter, for we ended up frolicking at Bouquet Park with Erik and Chrissie. Followed by a trip to Saugus Cafe where we pretended to be British. I think our waitress thought we were on crack. We came back to Britt's house, I went to pick up Brandon from his friend's party, and when the two of us came back guess who unexpectedly came over from Michael's house? Eddie. So it was yet ANOTHER night of Eddie.

I don't hate him, I really don't. Anymore. I'm over the fued/rivalry we had in high school, I'll be civil with him, I can have a decent conversation with him. But frankly, I just can't stand his personality. Again, doesn't mean I hate him, but I just don't enjoy his company all that much. Brandon knew Eddie after Eddie got expelled from Saugus and went over to Valencia, and he can't stand him. So I know Brandon wasn't all too excited to have a second night of Eddie either. But what can you do? In the past I used to be a dick to him on purpose just to get a rise out of him, but nowadays I just sit back and keep my comments to myself. But still. He embodies everything that I try not to be as a gay man. He embodies the designer-obsessed, pretentious, ego-centric, morally bankrupt gay man that makes me want to slit my throat.

ANYWAY. We can move on from that. I'm just excited for summer. This has been such a crazy past few months, though 2007 is already 10,000 times better than 2006 ever was. Summer always makes things better, and I'm looking forward to taking a breather from school and just hanging out with my friends.

I love Brandon.

I love Brandon. I want to marry him. Not anytime soon. But eventually.

Yeah.

I haven't been this happy in a long time, but all the same it's still a bit uncertain. I don't doubt Brandon's feelings for me, and I trust him completely, but I guess I just still have some fears about being in a relationship. Which I think is understandable- I haven't been in one for over 3 years, and that last one wasn't even that meaningful to me. So really, this is the first relationship EVER (aside from my three year on/off whatever-the-hell-that-was with Matthew) where I've truly cared for and truly been in love with the other person, and not just some teenage, high school relationship.

I guess underneath the happiness I'm still a bit cautious, a bit unsure, but I'm not letting it affect me too much. I know I care for Brandon and I will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now this is what feels right and this is where I want to be.

I'm noticing just how different I'm acting in this relationship, compared to my other ones. The most obvious reason is the fact that I'm older, not in high school, and have matured since I was last in a relationship. I've also become more comfortable with myself over the past couple of years, and when I'm with Brandon I don't feel this other persona coming on, I'm just me. I'm probably more myself with him than I am with most other people, many of my closest friends included. I just don't feel as emotionally needy, or clingy, or (with some other relationships) just plain bored and wanting a boyfriend only for the sake of having a boyfriend. I feel alive, I feel empowered, I feel appreciated; most importantly, I feel loved. That's something I've been missing for a very long time. I feel loved by my friends and family every day, but to feel loved in this way is completely different. You know, LOVE love. And that void has been filled over the past two, almost three months.

End of April.

It is the last day of April, which means...we are just THAT much closer to summer. Just have to get through May and then it will be June, and life is always pretty damn good in the summertime.

Seriously, when I think about it, summer is always good for me. Even if not much else went right during previous years, I always can say that summer went well. Let's reflect...

2002: This was unquestionably the best summer of my life. Previously, it was the summer of 1998, which was the summer I graduated from sixth grade and basically spent every day with my cousins. But summer 2002 lives on as "that summer". Every day hanging out at either Brittany's house or Annie's house, we were old enough to drive but not old enough to get jobs yet, hahaha. So many awesome memories from that summer.

2003: I remember in one of my old Livejournal entries from this time, I mentioned that summer '03 wasn't terribly exciting. But now that I look back, it actually was a fun summer. Did another stint spotlighting for SCCMT, which was always fun, summer school was shockingly better than I thought. Oh and "Pirates of the Caribbean" came out, which I saw FIVE times in the theaters. Nothing major might have happened, but it was still fun.

2004: Summer 2004 was the ultimate summer- the summer after high school. It was the summer of the Posse, we were completely inseperable. It was the summer I turned 18, which (at the time) was a pretty big deal, and it was my first trip to Hawaii. Which ended up being the best vacation I've ever been on. If 2002 was the best summer, and 1998 was originally the best summer, then 2004 comes in third.

2005: Like 2003, I remember thinking when it was over that summer 2005 was kind of boring. But recently I was hanging out with Leslie, and we both agreed that summer 2005 was actually a great summer. Lauren and Leslie had moved into their apartment, which provided the ultimate hang-out for the Posse. I had started hanging out with Brittany and that whole group again- we had a kick ass Fourth of July barbecue. Stephanie and I started being friends that summer. Stephanie, AJ, Brent, Melissa and myself all hung out a lot. I had my awesome 19th birthday party at my house- definitely the best party I've had. My grandparents' 50th anniversary was the weekend after that, and the weekend after THAT I went to Vegas with my parents and the twins. So it was definitely a great summer.

2006: As of right now, I don't look back on 2006 as a good year. Started off with the discovery of my aunt's tumor in February, losing my job in May, being broke and jobless for the first half of the summer, then recovering slightly in the fall only to get worse when my aunt died in November, and then a couple financial problems along the way. But summer was actually not that bad. Even if I didn't have a job until July and didn't have much money to spend as a result, it was actually nice to be kind of lazy. Also, my summer school class with Alyse and Lauren ended up being kind of fun, and though the barbecue I had at my house turned into me getting frustrated and angry with my siblings, it was still nice to have a bunch of my friends together. And my 20th birthday dinner at BJ's was fun also. So back to my original point- even if the entire year was overall crappy, summer is still a rather bright spot.

It looks like this summer should be another good one. It's already going well- I finally have a relationship that is going just awesome. I'll be turning 21, and I'm looking forward to having an awesome time with my friends and my boyfriend.

Family.

Just a few things on my mind.

After Brandon told his mom about his relationship with me, it really made me think- if he cares about me that much to want to include his family on this, then why shouldn't I be able to do the same with mine? Since I'm at work right now and don't have time to talk on the phone, I decided to email my sister Stephanie and tell her about me and my relationship with Brandon. So really, it's my first official formal declaration to a member of my family other than my parents about my sexuality. I assume they all know, that's not something I deny in the least, but I've never actually said "Hey Stephanie, or Hey Peter, I like dudes". But I know I can talk to Stephanie about a lot of things. I tend to underestimate her, because a lot of times I look at her as being kind of dumb, which is awful and I need to not think that way. She's my sister, and though she might not be necessarily intellectually gifted, she is a genuine, sincere person. What she lacks in smarts, she makes up for with her heart, and I feel like when it comes to personal issues she has surprisingly good insight. So that's why I felt like she is the first person in my family to go to. Plus, she works with my mom and is with her more than anyone else (other than my dad, obviously), and I want to know how she thinks my mom would feel about this. I want my mom to know about my relationship and to see how happy I am, and to see what a great person he is, and I think my sister can give me good insight into how my mom might take it. We'll see.

Smiles.

I had a very nice Sunday. It was my brother and sister's birthday on Saturday, so yesterday they had a bowling party. Each of them had a few friends there, my grandparents were there, my Aunt Dede and my cousin Erica were there, and my sister and her boyfriend also. It ended up being a fun time. I like spending time with my family...as crazy as they drive me sometimes, in the end I love them to death and they are a lot of fun.

Then afterwards, I came home for a little bit, fed my brother, then went and got Brandon. Earlier that day he said he had something to tell me, and it was good news. So what's the good news? He told his mom that morning about us. He told her we were in a relationship and we were getting pretty serious, and that she was completely fine with it. In fact, she said that I would be welcome to come over and she would love to meet me. So after we went to Border's so he could spend a gift card, he called his mom and asked if I could come for dinner. And she said yes. I was completely surprised at how it went. I was thinking she would be really skeptical about me, would be analyzing me top-to-bottom or would be kind of cold and awkward, but she turned out to be very friendly and very welcoming. Brandon and I hung out in his room for most of the night, and she had no problem with that. I think I made a good impression. As usual I was polite, well-mannered, thanked her twice for dinner. She said if there was something I didn't like I didn't have to eat it, but I told her all of it was very good and I cleaned out the entire plate, so I think that was another point-scorer. Overall a very nice day, started with my family and ended with my boyfriend. Couldn't ask for anything better.

ALSO! In about an hour I am heading over to a job interview. It's with this interior design company and they're looking for an office assistant to the designers, so we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck! Hopefully they'll pay very well so I can quit the Hilton and not work shit hours and make more money.

Another update.

Today is my first day off this week, which is nice. I spent the afternoon with my love Brandon, who is currently in his ROP class. It's kind of weird how this relationship is coming along, though that's an entirely good type of weird. I'm just not used to this, having someone that I care about and having them care about me right back. But it's awesome, for a severe lack of a better word. He told me he loves me, and at first I thought it was too soon for that (only been two months, come on now). But the more I thought about it, and when I thought of his absolute sincerity when he said it, I realized it doesn't matter how long it's been. When you know, you just know. Since we've taken our time with everything so far, it feels like now we're done with holding back and there's no need for us to keep testing the waters with each other. We both know we're in love, as crazy as it might sound. We just know it.

He told me he's thought about what it would be like if we lived together. Don't get me wrong, we're not planning on this soon (again, it's only been two months), but if we're together a year from now, we would both be more than ready to move in with each other. It's just weird how this all is taking off. One minute I'm completely single, no plans for a serious relationship of any kind, and now here I am talking about moving in with my boyfriend. It's crazy, but all the same it just feels right. It feels so natural, like he was the person I have been supposed to meet all this time. Without a doubt, this is already the most serious relationship I've ever been in, and it's my first adult relationship, away from high school (well, for me anyway, considering he's still IN high school for another month and a half).

So I don't know what's going to happen, but it's fun nonetheless to play with ideas and just have fun with it. For example, if we move in together in about a year, I'll more than likely be getting ready for Fullerton and he wants to go to FIDM. So we could move down to Orange County (Stevi goes to FIDM and she lives in Irvine, so clearly it's do-able). Even if I'm not accepted to Fullerton just yet, I'd still move and finish up the necessary classes at a JC down in Orange County. AGH. This is so crazy, but it's just fun to think about. Imagine me, living down in Orange County, with my boyfriend, just doing what I think is right for me. I think that's the reason why I'm so into this relationship, because it's so not what's expected of me.

Stuff.

I'm at work right now on my break. Just waiting for it to be 9:30 already so I can high-tail it over to Brittany's house and party on down with my friends.

I hate when there's something I'm really excited about, i.e. this party tonight, and I'm stuck at work. It makes it go by even slower. Anyway, it should be an awesome night. I made two kick-ass party mixes which I think everyone will enjoy. Everyone will at least like a handful of all these songs. A bit of pop, a bit of rap, a bit of indie rock, a few old school jams from the '80s and '90s, a bit of British pop that I love. Should be good fun. I think it's a very well-rounded mix.

Anyway, Brandon is my boyfriend now. I'm excited about that. How much of a pathetic dork am I? I was excited about being able to change my Myspace to "in a relationship" for the first time ever. Wow. That's when you know the Myspace generation has gone too far.

Still weighing my options with school. I really just want to take this summer off and not go back in the fall. I just have no desire whatsoever to do school this year. Next winter for sure, I'm absolutely going back and going back with a vengeance to kick ass and get my ass into Fullerton. Right now I just know I don't have my focus on it and I know I won't do good if I keep spinning my wheels just coasting through. I really do need a break. It's not like I'm 25 and I've been at COC for six years. I think I can allow myself at least one break to prepare for the long haul.

School.

I'm just really burnt out on school right now. I've always told myself that I would never drop out of school or stop going at any time, but honestly I'm just not into it. I really want to be financially secure, and I definitely don't feel like I am at the moment. I have so much I have to pay for- my car, insurance, gas, phone bill, paying my parents for keeping my gym membership. And I know much of them are things I can do without, i.e. the gym membership or having such an expensive car payment, but at the same time those are things I WANT to keep. I like my car, so I'd rather keep that and make the high payments. I like having a gym membership, so I'd rather keep that and pay my parents $30 a month to keep going and keep my body in shape (besides, $30 a month for a gym membership is not bad at all).

The issue with school is I just don't have my heart set on it at this present time. I know I want to finish college and it's something I will definitely do, but honestly I just want to breathe, save up some money, come up with a plan and then go back to school when I feel ready and when I feel organized. I just don't feel organized in that department right now.

Just because I'm taking some time off does not mean I'm never going back to school. At the most, it would only be a semester. I would just like to work a lot, save up money, so that when I do go back I just finish up the classes I need, apply to the universities, and then I'll have money saved up so that I can pay as much as I can for the university and also to move out when I transfer. I don't feel prepared to transfer, and I truly think I need a break to clear my head, get my focus back on school and get my finances straight so that I'll be ready for the university.

Rundown of America's Top 10 Singles.

1. Akon "Don't Matter" = Crap.
2. Gwen Stefani featuring Akon "The Sweet Escape" = Crap.
3. Mims "This Is Why I'm Hot" = Crap.
4. Fergie "Glamorous" = Crap.
5. Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" = SHOULD BE CRAP, but actually, I'm slightly starting to like it. Dear Lord what the shit is wrong with me?!?! First I'm liking the new Hilary Duff song, now I might be showing affectations for Avril?!?!?!?! I need to die.
6. Beyonce and Shakira "Beautiful Liar" = Crap.
7. Gym Class Heroes "Cupid's Chokehold" = Crap.
8. Justin Timberlake "What Goes Around...Comes Around" = Slightly crap. Mostly because I don't like "ballads".
9. Daughtry "It's Not Over" = Kind of crap.
10. Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole "Last Night" = Never heard it, but it's definitely got to be crap.

What have we learned this week? People named Akon are inexplicably on top of the charts lately, despite overwhelming evidence that they are absolute shit. And Avril Lavigne needs to not put out a good song because I cannot afford to have my preserved opinion of her shot down.

Push the button.

I think this song just kind of describes how I'm feeling at the moment. It's nothing bad, because I'm very happy at the moment. Just something on my mind I feel like expressing.

Sugababes "Push the Button"

Busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it, I want to kiss and everything around it
But he's too distant
I want to feel his body, I can't resist it
I know my hidden looks can be decieving
But how obvious should a boy be?
I was taken by the early conversation piece
And I really like the way that he respects me

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he could say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Catch this opportunity so you and me could feel it, cos

If you're ready for me, boy
You better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off, want his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
Ready to do something to relieve this mission

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it, cos

If you're ready for me, boy
You better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm telling you, this song perfectly describes what I'm thinking right now. Last night we spent the night together and talked for a bit about us. We both agreed that we kind of liked not having a title, that what's going on between us is just going the way it's going. I'm realizing now that wanting to have him as my boyfriend is just a form of insurance on my part- if he's my boyfriend then he's attached to me. Now, it's not important, because I know he cares about me and I know we have something special that neither of us want to walk away from.

This post, however, is the little devil inside of me that just wants him to get nasty with me for Christ's sake. We don't even have to have sex, dammit just a prolonged, intense make-out session will more than satisfy me.

Current Headlines in the World of Pop.

Big shocker- Girls Aloud and Sugababes got to No.1 this week. The good news? It IS Girls Aloud AND the Sugababes at No.1. The bad news? It’s a rather terrible song they’ve done together. How do we handle this? Applaud our two favorite groups for reaching the top, or think “well this was easy because it’s a charity single though it’s complete crap”? What are we to do with ourselves? THIS IS MAKING ME UPSET AND I’M NOT SURE I CAN TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

Fergie and Kimberley Walsh have both been naughty drunkards this past week. Fergie got her collagen self thrown off a Virgin Airlines flight for being too rowdy, while Kimberley passed right the fuck out in the middle of a nightclub and had to be carried by her boyfriend. I’m sure mothers are very proud.

Frankly I could give a rat’s ass that all these people are concerned with Joss Stone’s “new direction”. Her new hair is atrocious, her song is barely a song, she’s not Aretha Franklin she’s a 12-year-old hippie child from England so we can stop with all these comparisons. It just isn’t going to happen.

Fergie’s “Glamorous” got to No.1 in the United States. I think my ears just bled.

When the HELL is the new Kylie Minogue album coming????? Priority One, people!!!!!

It's that time again- some new songs you will surely love.

Dragonette - I Get Around
If you keep tabs on Popjustice at all, then you've heard of this group. If you haven't and you keep tabs on Popjustice, you're clearly not even reading anything on there. Anyway, they are Canadian, doing electropop (what?!?!) and they are quite possibly the best new group of this year SO FAR. I KNOW IT'S MARCH SO THAT STATEMENT MIGHT BE PREMATURE. This song is quite good. It's about being a slut and it's got some great beats, some dirty little synths, some guitars- everything you'd expect in a decent electro song these days. Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Catch You
Murder On the Dancefloor? Groovejet? Mixed Up World? Nope. Sounds nothing like them, but her voice is still the slightly monotone, slightly snobbish thing you've come to know and love. It's another electro cut (come on, this trend has been going on since 2004 and probably won't end anytime soon) and is quite good. She discusses all the places she hides (in keychains, in the mirror, in the morning paper...she's a flexible gal isn't she?) and essentially is the dance floor equivalent of The Police's "I'll Be Watching You" in terms of the singer being a complete stalker. Except Puff Daddy won't be sampling this, and boy is she counting her lucky stars.

Hellogoodbye - I Saw It On My Keyboard
It's not a single from their completely wonderful Aliens! Vampires! Zombies! Paris Hilton! (just kidding...I'm actually not sure of the official title) album, but it's my favorite track aside from "Here In Your Arms" and I'm suggesting you go and download it. It's exactly what the title implies- the song exists around one great, very 80s keyboard riff. You shall love it. I command you to.

Groove Armada feat. Mutya Buena - Song for Mutya
It's a lame title, but luckily it's the best thing a dance floor will have heard since Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog". Popjustice is hyping the hell out of this song, and they have every right to. Point one- Groove Armada. Point two- Mutya, aka ex-Sugababe. Point three- nice dance song. There you go. Home run.

Not so good songs...
Fergie "Glamorous" - We don't need to discuss why this is bad. It's all too obvious.
Gym Class Heroes "Cupid's Chokehold" - Bad. Very very bad.
Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" - THE FACT THAT IT'S AN AVRIL LAVIGNE SONG IMMEDIATELY PLACES IT INTO THE SHITBIN.

There we have it.

I Bet That Something Kinda Ooooh Looks Good On the Dancefloor.

According to Sarah Harding, aka Blondie McBlonderson of our beloved Girls Aloud, they will be working with the Arctic Monkeys on a new song for their fourth album which will HOPEFULLY and at the mercy of the Lord be released this year because quite frankly I can't go another year without some new Girls Aloud material.

This is another genius idea, but just like the Sugababes collaboration was a genius idea it turned into a rather embarrassing affair much like walking in on your older sister taking off her bra. Just uncomfortable all around. However, the difference between your sister's bra and "Walk This Way" is the latter is still potentially a guilty pleasure, whereas your sister's bra is just downright frightening.

Bored at work. What's new?

Yeah, nothing really to update on. The boy situation is still continuing. We hang out pretty much every day, and when we haven't it's been for one day out of about three or four days in a row. Over the past week- hung out with him last Tuesday, then again on Wednesday for about 20 minutes, then again on Thursday night, then again on Friday night after Stephanie and I got out of the movies, then again on Saturday night, yesterday we didn't, but today we did. This is the third week I've known him, and within three weeks there's probably been only three or four days total where we haven't seen each other. It's kind of nice. Normally I'd be saying this is overkill, but we are so laid back and so chill with each other that it doesn't feel like we're spending TOO much time together. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it just feels like it's going right.

That said, I'm doing pretty well in school right now. WAY better than last semester. I took a huge nosedive last semester, though I feel like I had justifiable reasons. I'm not one to make an excuse, and I know I shouldn't have put school aside as much as I did, but with everything that happened with my aunt, driving back and forth to Bishop every other weekend for about two months straight, not sleeping well, and the financial problems I had towards the end of last year, it just all took its toll. But this semester I feel refreshed, I feel like winter break was a very successful and much needed breather. Overall, things have worked out.

Examples of positive things currently happening:
1. Working out. I'm definitely noticing more muscle building, especially in my legs (finally). So that's doing a lot for my confidence.
2. School. Keeping up, starting assignments IN ADVANCE. What a novel concept, eh?
3. The boy. Yeah, it's always nice to have one of those. Especially in this case where it's just going at its own pace, no rushing, no expectations. It feels so different from everything else boy-related in the past...and that's a good kind of different.
4. Music. This might sound weird, but seriously the music I've been listening to lately has been keeping my spirits up. Over the past couple of years I've been getting into this indie, experimental mix of electro, ambient, indie rock, etc etc etc (with the exception of my obsession with Girls Aloud that started around this time last year), and I enjoy it all but it's kind of depressing stuff to listen to. Recently I've been listening to a lot of the old dance songs that were popular back when I was in high school, and it's all cheery, upbeat, good party music. Seriously, music can totally have that effect on me. It's definitely working.
5. Friends. The past couple weeks I haven't seen many friends due to all the time I've been spending with Brandon, but I won't make this a permanent habit and I'm so excited for everything we have planned this year.

Overall, a smile. The only negative part of my life currently is my job, which I hate. I used to be indifferent about it- didn't like it, but didn't hate it, because I absolutely love my co-workers. But now I just hate it. I still love my co-workers, and when I quit I wish I could take all of them with me to whichever job I get next, but still. I just can't stand it anymore. Blah.

Candyman....no, this is not Aqua. Unfortunately.

I saw the video for Christina Aguilera's new video "Candyman" yesterday, and boy is that one sorry mess. Never mind the fact that it's a dreadful song (if you can call it a song with a straight face), but here she is donning just about every concievable cliche of big band, swinging 1940's-our-men-at-war movies (Gene Kelly, are you there?) and I HIGHLY DOUBT MOST WOMEN BACK IN THE '40s WERE AS SKINNY AS SHE IS ANYWAY. We all know my opinion of the Aguilera anyway, so this rant should be no shock. Carry on.

Yep.

Well, things have been rather good over the past week. I've been spending a lot of time with the guy I talked about previously (the 17-year-old. Haha.) It's been interesting, and by interesting I mean...well, interesting, I suppose. I don't know. It's definitely a positive thing. In fact, I might even say it's a great thing, but that's where I get unsure. Come on, this is me we're talking about here. I get rather paranoid and go into overanalyze mode when I'm in something new such as this. But that aside, I'm enjoying it. I think I can safely say that I definitely have feelings for him. He's an awesome guy, and I just feel so relaxed when I'm with him. I've seen him five times in the past week, and each time I grow to like him even more. Today I only got to see him for about 20 minutes, since I had class, but even then it was the highlight of my day. I love when he comes and lays on my lap, when he gives me little kisses, how he squirms when I try to put my finger in his ear (don't ask...I guess it's kind of a joke we have). I'm trying not to rush things, because it has ONLY been a week that I've known him. But it just feels right, and yesterday when we hung out and laid in my bed, just napping all afternoon, he said the same thing- it feels right. I'm not expecting him to be my boyfriend in the next couple of days...if it even gets to that point, I'd at least like to wait until he turns 18 (which happens in March anyway). I can't stop thinking about him, and I really hope that this just continues and keeps growing into something more. Like I said, it just feels so right.

So...another story.

Ha. Another situation has developed. I probably sound really wishy-washy with my emotions, but...yeah. I don't know what to make of it.

So in the past week I've been on three different dates, thanks to Craig's List. Ha. On Friday night whilst hanging out with Brittany I decided on a whim to just post a harmless ad on that site, seeing if anyone wanted to hang out on a strictly friendly level, and to my surprise I got quite a few responses. I ended up meeting with one guy on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which was nice (albeit a purely friendly encounter, no attraction whatsoever. Just a nice guy and we had some intelligent conversation, which is always appreciated). Then Monday afternoon had lunch with the second guy. He's extremely cute, very laid back guy...and yes he is 28. By far he's the most attractive of the three, and I had a good time with him, but I don't see anything really going there. We are going to have dinner on Friday night, but again I doubt anything will progress from there aside from being friends.

Then last night I met up with the third guy. And this is where the interesting situation comes about. First of all, he's 17. He'll be 18 next month, so it's not all creepy pedophile-like. But still, he is in high school (senior at Valencia) and high school kids can be a giant headache if you've been away from that environment for three years now.

However, I was pleasantly surprised at how unexpected the date turned out. We met up at Starbucks, and I was anticipating hanging out for an hour or so, he'd probably be the annoying 17-year-old that I was expecting, and I would just go home. We ended up staying at Starbucks for about an hour and a half, then drove over to Central park for another two hours and just walked around and talked.

For one, he is much different from the type of guy I was expecting. He's a bit quiet, but he's got a certain wit about him, and definitely seems much more mature than his age would suggest. Number two, on the outside he's absolutely NOTHING like the kind of guys I'd typically go for, but he is cute in his own way. I mean the kid had plugs in his ears- could you get any farther from Mark's usual all-American clean cut boy? But by the end of the night I was intrigued by him, and admittedly haven't quite been able to get him out of my head all day today. It's bizarre, it's not what I expected, but at the same time it feels nice.

Anyway, that's all for now. We'll see what happens.

Grammy Schwammy

So the Grammy Awards were held last night.

Yawn.

I suppose for recreational purposes and for the sake of killing five minutes of my time I'll cover some highlights. I didn't actually watch the show (and you couldn't screw me enough to) but I do of course keep tabs on who won what, though it's almost always complete whorehash.

Album of the Year: Dixie Chicks. I'm fine with that, I enjoy them. They're rather bad ass for being rather square and kind of hick-ish.

Record of the Year: Dixie Chicks. See above.

Song of the Year: Dixie Chicks. Really no other song nominated in this category particularly struck me, so I'm satisfied.

Ummm I forgot what else. Oh Carrie Underwood won Best New Artist. Yawn. James Blunt must have won something here or there, apparently Mary J. Blige lucked out a few times. More yawns. "My Humps" won one of the awards.

wait..what?

Oh that's right. The same category "Stickwitu" from the Pussycat Dolls earned a nod from. THIS is why I don't give a flying shit about the Grams.

Anyway that's all for now. Sophie Ellis Bextor's new single only got to #18 on the UK chart this week, which is rather boorish. I'm seeing a decline in our favorite pop stars...except Girls Aloud, of course. I'm willing to bet a box of paperclips that "Walk This Way" will get to #1.

The whole Girls Aloud, Sugababes thing

I started it off in my last post with NOT VERY GOOD. I have since decided to retract that statement and declare it GOOD, BUT NOT AS BRILLIANT AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I mean, honestly- how many more times are two fucking amazing bands like Girls Aloud or the Sugababes going to record together? Girls Aloud will more than likely split up after the next album which supposedly and HOPEFULLY is coming out later this year (I'm not one to be cynical, but all wonderful amazing godly etc etc things can't last forever), and the public's reception to the Sugababes is borderlining relative indifference, following the rather bummish performances of their last two singles "Follow Me Home" and "Easy" (I'm still smarting over the latter...how can the public be so stupid to ignore such a fucking great song...). Alls I'm saying for the twelfth time is they could've taken complete opportunity of this and raped it raw by creating some original ungodly single.

Anyway, all that aside, my main reason for changing my opinion of "Walk This Way" is frankly because of the video. It is definitely better when watched with the video. Without the video, not as great, though it's a joy to hear Kimberely with her own verses in the beginning. That in itself is a rare and wonderful thing considering she is by far my favorite Girl Aloud. Squee for me. But the video is definitely one thing done right in this whole fiasco. Although I would've definitely squelched in my pants if a few different changes were put in---

1) The part when Sarah busts through the wall with the mic stand, and then all of the girls are giving each other rude faces, I would've loved to seen Cheryl just reach over and slapped Keisha silly. Because, you know, Keisha and Cheryl are considered the "bitchy" members of their respective groups. Not that I dislike Keisha by any means, but seriously- who wouldn't want to see them bitch it out?

2) The runway/concert part at the end would've been better if they had busted out in some giant synchronized dance routine. Aloud does one, but the 'babes sit this one out (though looking at their past videos, choreography is clearly not something they lower themselves to. Which is fine, on certain levels. That's a story we can continue another day). OR! They could've ignited some giant mosh pit and just crowd surfed, all eight of them.

Anyway, the video is great. The song is still iffy, but the video is great as I just said before. Now I'm repeating myself and rambling.