I guess that's that.

After nine months and twelve days, Brandon and I are officially over. I don't quite know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions I'm feeling- anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and in a strange way maybe relief and understanding?

I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.

The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?

I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.

I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.

I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.

And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.

I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.

I have no regrets.