I'm yours.

I want to be the one you grow old with, the one you imagine your life with- because I want to grow old with you, too. I don't understand how or why this happened, all I know is I've found you and I'll fight with every weapon I've got to keep us together. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I lay in bed at night and imagine that I'm holding you 'til I finally drift asleep. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I can only talk about how much I want you to come home. And when I see you again, even after only a few days, I'll hug you and kiss you like we've been apart for years. You've got to believe this, because I believe in it. For the first time in my life I'm finally, completely, unquestionably sure of something- that we were brought together for a reason and that this will change both of our lives forever. You've already changed mine, because you make me realize what's important, you make me appreciate things that I just didn't take the time to see. When you tell me you love me, it makes me feel worthy and important, because only a person of great value should be loved by someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. How can it be that I haven't even known you half a year, and yet I feel completely confident picturing my future with you, because you've fit into my life so perfectly? I know this is real, and I know that you're the one.

Kind of sums how I feel...

At my place and I was on the phone
But it's you that I'll always call my home
In a world where the sun don't always shine
I can see tropicana in your eyes

When you're gone, my loneliness is real
Got your love to remind me how to feel
In my head I can see our long goodbye
You kiss my lips as I try to fix your tie

I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me
I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say

Cos dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call
Dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call

Please means more, I see you knocking at the door
Got it right in my place
Cos dreams means five and I'll be rocking on the floor
Can't you see it in my face?

Ugh..I miss him.

Stay up 'til four in the morning, and the tears are pouring, and I want to make it worth the fight.

It's strange just how comfortable I feel right now. For so long, even when things were going great, I felt like there was something more I always had to strive for. Sometimes you should keep your aspirations high, but don't keep wishing things were better. Because you'll miss what's already in front of you. It's been so crazy these past months. Probably from about July 2006 onwards. I've noticed so many changes with myself, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I've grown significantly.

A lot of it had to do with my aunt's death. So much can change within such a short amount of time. February 2006 my aunt is diagnosed with cancer, and nine months later she is dead. How could any of us anticipated that?

You can't live life being bitter, putting people down, or worrying over insignificant things. I'm noticing that I do those things, and I'm trying to overcome that. Sure, there are people around me that I don't like, but at the end of the day what do I accomplish by bad-mouthing them? Absolutely nothing. I just need to accept their personalities and, if anything, just ignore them and keep being myself. And why be bitter? It's all right to be upset, but I have to learn to stop and think about just how monumental this setback is. If it's nothing that I'm going to care about two days from now, why should I be upset over it? And if it's not something I can brush under the rug, then address it and attempt to solve it.

I've also learned a lot since my cousin Sara had her baby. Seeing how little Elena has brought so much light to our family after we were grieving for my aunt is truly a miracle. My grandmother says that God planned it all out- my aunt and Elena were both born in January, and Elena was brought to us so soon after my aunt's death to remind us that life does go on in the face of death. That's a bit philosophical and religious for someone like me, but I completely agree with my grandmother.

I'm so happy with the people in my life. I've rekindled friendships over the past few months, and established new ones along the way. I couldn't be happier that people like Brittany, Pappas, Annie, Michael, Stevi, and others that I can't seem to think of right now are my closest friends...considering right after high school ended I felt like I had grown apart from most of them for good. It just goes to show that the people who are meant to be in your life are the ones that will make their way back when you least expect it. I'm so happy that I've met Brandon and that our lives have just fit together in the right places.

In short, do what makes you happy. Do what you feel is right for you, regardless of what other people say. Your friends and family are there to guide you and support you, but ultimately the decisions are sitting in your hands. Make the best of it. Laugh a lot. Travel. Be lazy more than once in a while. Eat a lot. Just live the way you want.

One step too far

I hate when I feel this way. Why do I have to work myself into hyperdrive when I ought to just be content and happy with how things are? I'm not UNhappy, but there's a nagging thought in the back of my head that can't seem to handle what's going on here. No one has ever loved me or cared for me the way he does, so there has to be a catch to all of this. What is that catch? I'm being stupid, but this is how I've always been. I just can't completely accept someone loving me. I always have to look for the "but". "He says he loves me, BUT..." - that's the conversation that always plays out in my head. What is that "but"? What is the catch? There shouldn't be one, because I know he's different than the others. I know he wouldn't play games with me. So why do I keep playing games with myself?

Life.

If I could map out the perfect life for myself, here's what it'd be like:



I'd be done with college, living a modest, comfortable life, with my husband (hopefully Brandon, but hey that can all change), with one kid, teaching history at a local college and doing my hobbies and spending time with my family and friends in my free time.



I used to think being successful was having an education, having an abundance of money, pushing yourself above and beyond expectations and winning universal admiration. Some of that can be attributed to success. But I used to think if I didn't get a high-paying job, didn't live in a huge house and didn't drive an expensive car, that I wouldn't be considered successful. Over the past year or so I've been changing that perception, and now my idea of being successful is different.

Being successful is doing exactly what I want to be doing, living the exact life I want to be living. I don't need to live in some seaside mansion or have three BMWs in the driveway. I just want to do something I'm passionate about, spending my life with the people I'm most passionate about. Waking up every morning and thinking to myself "I have exactly what I want", that equates success.

Don't panic, panic

All right. Here's the problem, America.

WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING FERGIE'S MUSIC????

Let's take a look at how successful she has been on the U.S. singles chart...

"London Bridge" - #1
"Fergalicious" - #2
"Glamorous" -#1

NOTICING A TREND HERE? Her singles are doing very well in this godforsaken country. WHY? Everyone knows she's complete horse shit. Why encourage her? Because now she's got a new song called "Big Girls Don't Cry" and I swear to God if this becomes another "smash hit" I will find every person who downloaded/bought/requested this song and I will punch you in the womb. I don't care if you're a male and don't have a womb, I'll punch you so hard it'll make you wish you had a womb for me to punch.

If that made any sense...

Carry on.

This might be a bit TMI...

Do you ever notice that after having good and I mean REALLY good sex, you're just in an overall good mood? And you feel like eating candy? And just want to take a nap for a few hours? Yeah. Definitely how I feel right now.

I know you so want to hear this from me right now.

Stuff.

I've got Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" stuck in my head.

Anyway.

I want to go to Disneyland SO bad. I just need to get my season pass. I should get my season pass when I take Brandon to Disneyland next month for his graduation. Yes. I should.

This weekend was pleasant. Worked on Friday and Saturday mornings. Friday evening I took Brandon and his friend Britney down to Hollywood, followed by a late dinner with Pappas, Michael, Antonio, Shane and Eddie (I could've done without Shane or Eddie, but whatever) and ended the night with Pappas, Brandon and myself visiting Brittany Oli. Saturday after work I visited the Oliphant woman at work, and we golf carted around Central Park. When she got off we had dinner at Mimi's Cafe, then went to Goodwill and Ross in attempts to find get-ups for the Rollerdisco party. We failed. But no matter, for we ended up frolicking at Bouquet Park with Erik and Chrissie. Followed by a trip to Saugus Cafe where we pretended to be British. I think our waitress thought we were on crack. We came back to Britt's house, I went to pick up Brandon from his friend's party, and when the two of us came back guess who unexpectedly came over from Michael's house? Eddie. So it was yet ANOTHER night of Eddie.

I don't hate him, I really don't. Anymore. I'm over the fued/rivalry we had in high school, I'll be civil with him, I can have a decent conversation with him. But frankly, I just can't stand his personality. Again, doesn't mean I hate him, but I just don't enjoy his company all that much. Brandon knew Eddie after Eddie got expelled from Saugus and went over to Valencia, and he can't stand him. So I know Brandon wasn't all too excited to have a second night of Eddie either. But what can you do? In the past I used to be a dick to him on purpose just to get a rise out of him, but nowadays I just sit back and keep my comments to myself. But still. He embodies everything that I try not to be as a gay man. He embodies the designer-obsessed, pretentious, ego-centric, morally bankrupt gay man that makes me want to slit my throat.

ANYWAY. We can move on from that. I'm just excited for summer. This has been such a crazy past few months, though 2007 is already 10,000 times better than 2006 ever was. Summer always makes things better, and I'm looking forward to taking a breather from school and just hanging out with my friends.

I love Brandon.

I love Brandon. I want to marry him. Not anytime soon. But eventually.

Yeah.

I haven't been this happy in a long time, but all the same it's still a bit uncertain. I don't doubt Brandon's feelings for me, and I trust him completely, but I guess I just still have some fears about being in a relationship. Which I think is understandable- I haven't been in one for over 3 years, and that last one wasn't even that meaningful to me. So really, this is the first relationship EVER (aside from my three year on/off whatever-the-hell-that-was with Matthew) where I've truly cared for and truly been in love with the other person, and not just some teenage, high school relationship.

I guess underneath the happiness I'm still a bit cautious, a bit unsure, but I'm not letting it affect me too much. I know I care for Brandon and I will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now this is what feels right and this is where I want to be.

I'm noticing just how different I'm acting in this relationship, compared to my other ones. The most obvious reason is the fact that I'm older, not in high school, and have matured since I was last in a relationship. I've also become more comfortable with myself over the past couple of years, and when I'm with Brandon I don't feel this other persona coming on, I'm just me. I'm probably more myself with him than I am with most other people, many of my closest friends included. I just don't feel as emotionally needy, or clingy, or (with some other relationships) just plain bored and wanting a boyfriend only for the sake of having a boyfriend. I feel alive, I feel empowered, I feel appreciated; most importantly, I feel loved. That's something I've been missing for a very long time. I feel loved by my friends and family every day, but to feel loved in this way is completely different. You know, LOVE love. And that void has been filled over the past two, almost three months.

End of April.

It is the last day of April, which means...we are just THAT much closer to summer. Just have to get through May and then it will be June, and life is always pretty damn good in the summertime.

Seriously, when I think about it, summer is always good for me. Even if not much else went right during previous years, I always can say that summer went well. Let's reflect...

2002: This was unquestionably the best summer of my life. Previously, it was the summer of 1998, which was the summer I graduated from sixth grade and basically spent every day with my cousins. But summer 2002 lives on as "that summer". Every day hanging out at either Brittany's house or Annie's house, we were old enough to drive but not old enough to get jobs yet, hahaha. So many awesome memories from that summer.

2003: I remember in one of my old Livejournal entries from this time, I mentioned that summer '03 wasn't terribly exciting. But now that I look back, it actually was a fun summer. Did another stint spotlighting for SCCMT, which was always fun, summer school was shockingly better than I thought. Oh and "Pirates of the Caribbean" came out, which I saw FIVE times in the theaters. Nothing major might have happened, but it was still fun.

2004: Summer 2004 was the ultimate summer- the summer after high school. It was the summer of the Posse, we were completely inseperable. It was the summer I turned 18, which (at the time) was a pretty big deal, and it was my first trip to Hawaii. Which ended up being the best vacation I've ever been on. If 2002 was the best summer, and 1998 was originally the best summer, then 2004 comes in third.

2005: Like 2003, I remember thinking when it was over that summer 2005 was kind of boring. But recently I was hanging out with Leslie, and we both agreed that summer 2005 was actually a great summer. Lauren and Leslie had moved into their apartment, which provided the ultimate hang-out for the Posse. I had started hanging out with Brittany and that whole group again- we had a kick ass Fourth of July barbecue. Stephanie and I started being friends that summer. Stephanie, AJ, Brent, Melissa and myself all hung out a lot. I had my awesome 19th birthday party at my house- definitely the best party I've had. My grandparents' 50th anniversary was the weekend after that, and the weekend after THAT I went to Vegas with my parents and the twins. So it was definitely a great summer.

2006: As of right now, I don't look back on 2006 as a good year. Started off with the discovery of my aunt's tumor in February, losing my job in May, being broke and jobless for the first half of the summer, then recovering slightly in the fall only to get worse when my aunt died in November, and then a couple financial problems along the way. But summer was actually not that bad. Even if I didn't have a job until July and didn't have much money to spend as a result, it was actually nice to be kind of lazy. Also, my summer school class with Alyse and Lauren ended up being kind of fun, and though the barbecue I had at my house turned into me getting frustrated and angry with my siblings, it was still nice to have a bunch of my friends together. And my 20th birthday dinner at BJ's was fun also. So back to my original point- even if the entire year was overall crappy, summer is still a rather bright spot.

It looks like this summer should be another good one. It's already going well- I finally have a relationship that is going just awesome. I'll be turning 21, and I'm looking forward to having an awesome time with my friends and my boyfriend.

Family.

Just a few things on my mind.

After Brandon told his mom about his relationship with me, it really made me think- if he cares about me that much to want to include his family on this, then why shouldn't I be able to do the same with mine? Since I'm at work right now and don't have time to talk on the phone, I decided to email my sister Stephanie and tell her about me and my relationship with Brandon. So really, it's my first official formal declaration to a member of my family other than my parents about my sexuality. I assume they all know, that's not something I deny in the least, but I've never actually said "Hey Stephanie, or Hey Peter, I like dudes". But I know I can talk to Stephanie about a lot of things. I tend to underestimate her, because a lot of times I look at her as being kind of dumb, which is awful and I need to not think that way. She's my sister, and though she might not be necessarily intellectually gifted, she is a genuine, sincere person. What she lacks in smarts, she makes up for with her heart, and I feel like when it comes to personal issues she has surprisingly good insight. So that's why I felt like she is the first person in my family to go to. Plus, she works with my mom and is with her more than anyone else (other than my dad, obviously), and I want to know how she thinks my mom would feel about this. I want my mom to know about my relationship and to see how happy I am, and to see what a great person he is, and I think my sister can give me good insight into how my mom might take it. We'll see.

Smiles.

I had a very nice Sunday. It was my brother and sister's birthday on Saturday, so yesterday they had a bowling party. Each of them had a few friends there, my grandparents were there, my Aunt Dede and my cousin Erica were there, and my sister and her boyfriend also. It ended up being a fun time. I like spending time with my family...as crazy as they drive me sometimes, in the end I love them to death and they are a lot of fun.

Then afterwards, I came home for a little bit, fed my brother, then went and got Brandon. Earlier that day he said he had something to tell me, and it was good news. So what's the good news? He told his mom that morning about us. He told her we were in a relationship and we were getting pretty serious, and that she was completely fine with it. In fact, she said that I would be welcome to come over and she would love to meet me. So after we went to Border's so he could spend a gift card, he called his mom and asked if I could come for dinner. And she said yes. I was completely surprised at how it went. I was thinking she would be really skeptical about me, would be analyzing me top-to-bottom or would be kind of cold and awkward, but she turned out to be very friendly and very welcoming. Brandon and I hung out in his room for most of the night, and she had no problem with that. I think I made a good impression. As usual I was polite, well-mannered, thanked her twice for dinner. She said if there was something I didn't like I didn't have to eat it, but I told her all of it was very good and I cleaned out the entire plate, so I think that was another point-scorer. Overall a very nice day, started with my family and ended with my boyfriend. Couldn't ask for anything better.

ALSO! In about an hour I am heading over to a job interview. It's with this interior design company and they're looking for an office assistant to the designers, so we'll see how that goes. Wish me luck! Hopefully they'll pay very well so I can quit the Hilton and not work shit hours and make more money.

Another update.

Today is my first day off this week, which is nice. I spent the afternoon with my love Brandon, who is currently in his ROP class. It's kind of weird how this relationship is coming along, though that's an entirely good type of weird. I'm just not used to this, having someone that I care about and having them care about me right back. But it's awesome, for a severe lack of a better word. He told me he loves me, and at first I thought it was too soon for that (only been two months, come on now). But the more I thought about it, and when I thought of his absolute sincerity when he said it, I realized it doesn't matter how long it's been. When you know, you just know. Since we've taken our time with everything so far, it feels like now we're done with holding back and there's no need for us to keep testing the waters with each other. We both know we're in love, as crazy as it might sound. We just know it.

He told me he's thought about what it would be like if we lived together. Don't get me wrong, we're not planning on this soon (again, it's only been two months), but if we're together a year from now, we would both be more than ready to move in with each other. It's just weird how this all is taking off. One minute I'm completely single, no plans for a serious relationship of any kind, and now here I am talking about moving in with my boyfriend. It's crazy, but all the same it just feels right. It feels so natural, like he was the person I have been supposed to meet all this time. Without a doubt, this is already the most serious relationship I've ever been in, and it's my first adult relationship, away from high school (well, for me anyway, considering he's still IN high school for another month and a half).

So I don't know what's going to happen, but it's fun nonetheless to play with ideas and just have fun with it. For example, if we move in together in about a year, I'll more than likely be getting ready for Fullerton and he wants to go to FIDM. So we could move down to Orange County (Stevi goes to FIDM and she lives in Irvine, so clearly it's do-able). Even if I'm not accepted to Fullerton just yet, I'd still move and finish up the necessary classes at a JC down in Orange County. AGH. This is so crazy, but it's just fun to think about. Imagine me, living down in Orange County, with my boyfriend, just doing what I think is right for me. I think that's the reason why I'm so into this relationship, because it's so not what's expected of me.

Stuff.

I'm at work right now on my break. Just waiting for it to be 9:30 already so I can high-tail it over to Brittany's house and party on down with my friends.

I hate when there's something I'm really excited about, i.e. this party tonight, and I'm stuck at work. It makes it go by even slower. Anyway, it should be an awesome night. I made two kick-ass party mixes which I think everyone will enjoy. Everyone will at least like a handful of all these songs. A bit of pop, a bit of rap, a bit of indie rock, a few old school jams from the '80s and '90s, a bit of British pop that I love. Should be good fun. I think it's a very well-rounded mix.

Anyway, Brandon is my boyfriend now. I'm excited about that. How much of a pathetic dork am I? I was excited about being able to change my Myspace to "in a relationship" for the first time ever. Wow. That's when you know the Myspace generation has gone too far.

Still weighing my options with school. I really just want to take this summer off and not go back in the fall. I just have no desire whatsoever to do school this year. Next winter for sure, I'm absolutely going back and going back with a vengeance to kick ass and get my ass into Fullerton. Right now I just know I don't have my focus on it and I know I won't do good if I keep spinning my wheels just coasting through. I really do need a break. It's not like I'm 25 and I've been at COC for six years. I think I can allow myself at least one break to prepare for the long haul.

School.

I'm just really burnt out on school right now. I've always told myself that I would never drop out of school or stop going at any time, but honestly I'm just not into it. I really want to be financially secure, and I definitely don't feel like I am at the moment. I have so much I have to pay for- my car, insurance, gas, phone bill, paying my parents for keeping my gym membership. And I know much of them are things I can do without, i.e. the gym membership or having such an expensive car payment, but at the same time those are things I WANT to keep. I like my car, so I'd rather keep that and make the high payments. I like having a gym membership, so I'd rather keep that and pay my parents $30 a month to keep going and keep my body in shape (besides, $30 a month for a gym membership is not bad at all).

The issue with school is I just don't have my heart set on it at this present time. I know I want to finish college and it's something I will definitely do, but honestly I just want to breathe, save up some money, come up with a plan and then go back to school when I feel ready and when I feel organized. I just don't feel organized in that department right now.

Just because I'm taking some time off does not mean I'm never going back to school. At the most, it would only be a semester. I would just like to work a lot, save up money, so that when I do go back I just finish up the classes I need, apply to the universities, and then I'll have money saved up so that I can pay as much as I can for the university and also to move out when I transfer. I don't feel prepared to transfer, and I truly think I need a break to clear my head, get my focus back on school and get my finances straight so that I'll be ready for the university.

Rundown of America's Top 10 Singles.

1. Akon "Don't Matter" = Crap.
2. Gwen Stefani featuring Akon "The Sweet Escape" = Crap.
3. Mims "This Is Why I'm Hot" = Crap.
4. Fergie "Glamorous" = Crap.
5. Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" = SHOULD BE CRAP, but actually, I'm slightly starting to like it. Dear Lord what the shit is wrong with me?!?! First I'm liking the new Hilary Duff song, now I might be showing affectations for Avril?!?!?!?! I need to die.
6. Beyonce and Shakira "Beautiful Liar" = Crap.
7. Gym Class Heroes "Cupid's Chokehold" = Crap.
8. Justin Timberlake "What Goes Around...Comes Around" = Slightly crap. Mostly because I don't like "ballads".
9. Daughtry "It's Not Over" = Kind of crap.
10. Diddy featuring Keyshia Cole "Last Night" = Never heard it, but it's definitely got to be crap.

What have we learned this week? People named Akon are inexplicably on top of the charts lately, despite overwhelming evidence that they are absolute shit. And Avril Lavigne needs to not put out a good song because I cannot afford to have my preserved opinion of her shot down.

Push the button.

I think this song just kind of describes how I'm feeling at the moment. It's nothing bad, because I'm very happy at the moment. Just something on my mind I feel like expressing.

Sugababes "Push the Button"

Busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it, I want to kiss and everything around it
But he's too distant
I want to feel his body, I can't resist it
I know my hidden looks can be decieving
But how obvious should a boy be?
I was taken by the early conversation piece
And I really like the way that he respects me

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he could say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Catch this opportunity so you and me could feel it, cos

If you're ready for me, boy
You better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off, want his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
Ready to do something to relieve this mission

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it, cos

If you're ready for me, boy
You better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm telling you, this song perfectly describes what I'm thinking right now. Last night we spent the night together and talked for a bit about us. We both agreed that we kind of liked not having a title, that what's going on between us is just going the way it's going. I'm realizing now that wanting to have him as my boyfriend is just a form of insurance on my part- if he's my boyfriend then he's attached to me. Now, it's not important, because I know he cares about me and I know we have something special that neither of us want to walk away from.

This post, however, is the little devil inside of me that just wants him to get nasty with me for Christ's sake. We don't even have to have sex, dammit just a prolonged, intense make-out session will more than satisfy me.

Current Headlines in the World of Pop.

Big shocker- Girls Aloud and Sugababes got to No.1 this week. The good news? It IS Girls Aloud AND the Sugababes at No.1. The bad news? It’s a rather terrible song they’ve done together. How do we handle this? Applaud our two favorite groups for reaching the top, or think “well this was easy because it’s a charity single though it’s complete crap”? What are we to do with ourselves? THIS IS MAKING ME UPSET AND I’M NOT SURE I CAN TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

Fergie and Kimberley Walsh have both been naughty drunkards this past week. Fergie got her collagen self thrown off a Virgin Airlines flight for being too rowdy, while Kimberley passed right the fuck out in the middle of a nightclub and had to be carried by her boyfriend. I’m sure mothers are very proud.

Frankly I could give a rat’s ass that all these people are concerned with Joss Stone’s “new direction”. Her new hair is atrocious, her song is barely a song, she’s not Aretha Franklin she’s a 12-year-old hippie child from England so we can stop with all these comparisons. It just isn’t going to happen.

Fergie’s “Glamorous” got to No.1 in the United States. I think my ears just bled.

When the HELL is the new Kylie Minogue album coming????? Priority One, people!!!!!

It's that time again- some new songs you will surely love.

Dragonette - I Get Around
If you keep tabs on Popjustice at all, then you've heard of this group. If you haven't and you keep tabs on Popjustice, you're clearly not even reading anything on there. Anyway, they are Canadian, doing electropop (what?!?!) and they are quite possibly the best new group of this year SO FAR. I KNOW IT'S MARCH SO THAT STATEMENT MIGHT BE PREMATURE. This song is quite good. It's about being a slut and it's got some great beats, some dirty little synths, some guitars- everything you'd expect in a decent electro song these days. Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Catch You
Murder On the Dancefloor? Groovejet? Mixed Up World? Nope. Sounds nothing like them, but her voice is still the slightly monotone, slightly snobbish thing you've come to know and love. It's another electro cut (come on, this trend has been going on since 2004 and probably won't end anytime soon) and is quite good. She discusses all the places she hides (in keychains, in the mirror, in the morning paper...she's a flexible gal isn't she?) and essentially is the dance floor equivalent of The Police's "I'll Be Watching You" in terms of the singer being a complete stalker. Except Puff Daddy won't be sampling this, and boy is she counting her lucky stars.

Hellogoodbye - I Saw It On My Keyboard
It's not a single from their completely wonderful Aliens! Vampires! Zombies! Paris Hilton! (just kidding...I'm actually not sure of the official title) album, but it's my favorite track aside from "Here In Your Arms" and I'm suggesting you go and download it. It's exactly what the title implies- the song exists around one great, very 80s keyboard riff. You shall love it. I command you to.

Groove Armada feat. Mutya Buena - Song for Mutya
It's a lame title, but luckily it's the best thing a dance floor will have heard since Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog". Popjustice is hyping the hell out of this song, and they have every right to. Point one- Groove Armada. Point two- Mutya, aka ex-Sugababe. Point three- nice dance song. There you go. Home run.

Not so good songs...
Fergie "Glamorous" - We don't need to discuss why this is bad. It's all too obvious.
Gym Class Heroes "Cupid's Chokehold" - Bad. Very very bad.
Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" - THE FACT THAT IT'S AN AVRIL LAVIGNE SONG IMMEDIATELY PLACES IT INTO THE SHITBIN.

There we have it.

I Bet That Something Kinda Ooooh Looks Good On the Dancefloor.

According to Sarah Harding, aka Blondie McBlonderson of our beloved Girls Aloud, they will be working with the Arctic Monkeys on a new song for their fourth album which will HOPEFULLY and at the mercy of the Lord be released this year because quite frankly I can't go another year without some new Girls Aloud material.

This is another genius idea, but just like the Sugababes collaboration was a genius idea it turned into a rather embarrassing affair much like walking in on your older sister taking off her bra. Just uncomfortable all around. However, the difference between your sister's bra and "Walk This Way" is the latter is still potentially a guilty pleasure, whereas your sister's bra is just downright frightening.

Bored at work. What's new?

Yeah, nothing really to update on. The boy situation is still continuing. We hang out pretty much every day, and when we haven't it's been for one day out of about three or four days in a row. Over the past week- hung out with him last Tuesday, then again on Wednesday for about 20 minutes, then again on Thursday night, then again on Friday night after Stephanie and I got out of the movies, then again on Saturday night, yesterday we didn't, but today we did. This is the third week I've known him, and within three weeks there's probably been only three or four days total where we haven't seen each other. It's kind of nice. Normally I'd be saying this is overkill, but we are so laid back and so chill with each other that it doesn't feel like we're spending TOO much time together. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it just feels like it's going right.

That said, I'm doing pretty well in school right now. WAY better than last semester. I took a huge nosedive last semester, though I feel like I had justifiable reasons. I'm not one to make an excuse, and I know I shouldn't have put school aside as much as I did, but with everything that happened with my aunt, driving back and forth to Bishop every other weekend for about two months straight, not sleeping well, and the financial problems I had towards the end of last year, it just all took its toll. But this semester I feel refreshed, I feel like winter break was a very successful and much needed breather. Overall, things have worked out.

Examples of positive things currently happening:
1. Working out. I'm definitely noticing more muscle building, especially in my legs (finally). So that's doing a lot for my confidence.
2. School. Keeping up, starting assignments IN ADVANCE. What a novel concept, eh?
3. The boy. Yeah, it's always nice to have one of those. Especially in this case where it's just going at its own pace, no rushing, no expectations. It feels so different from everything else boy-related in the past...and that's a good kind of different.
4. Music. This might sound weird, but seriously the music I've been listening to lately has been keeping my spirits up. Over the past couple of years I've been getting into this indie, experimental mix of electro, ambient, indie rock, etc etc etc (with the exception of my obsession with Girls Aloud that started around this time last year), and I enjoy it all but it's kind of depressing stuff to listen to. Recently I've been listening to a lot of the old dance songs that were popular back when I was in high school, and it's all cheery, upbeat, good party music. Seriously, music can totally have that effect on me. It's definitely working.
5. Friends. The past couple weeks I haven't seen many friends due to all the time I've been spending with Brandon, but I won't make this a permanent habit and I'm so excited for everything we have planned this year.

Overall, a smile. The only negative part of my life currently is my job, which I hate. I used to be indifferent about it- didn't like it, but didn't hate it, because I absolutely love my co-workers. But now I just hate it. I still love my co-workers, and when I quit I wish I could take all of them with me to whichever job I get next, but still. I just can't stand it anymore. Blah.

Candyman....no, this is not Aqua. Unfortunately.

I saw the video for Christina Aguilera's new video "Candyman" yesterday, and boy is that one sorry mess. Never mind the fact that it's a dreadful song (if you can call it a song with a straight face), but here she is donning just about every concievable cliche of big band, swinging 1940's-our-men-at-war movies (Gene Kelly, are you there?) and I HIGHLY DOUBT MOST WOMEN BACK IN THE '40s WERE AS SKINNY AS SHE IS ANYWAY. We all know my opinion of the Aguilera anyway, so this rant should be no shock. Carry on.

Yep.

Well, things have been rather good over the past week. I've been spending a lot of time with the guy I talked about previously (the 17-year-old. Haha.) It's been interesting, and by interesting I mean...well, interesting, I suppose. I don't know. It's definitely a positive thing. In fact, I might even say it's a great thing, but that's where I get unsure. Come on, this is me we're talking about here. I get rather paranoid and go into overanalyze mode when I'm in something new such as this. But that aside, I'm enjoying it. I think I can safely say that I definitely have feelings for him. He's an awesome guy, and I just feel so relaxed when I'm with him. I've seen him five times in the past week, and each time I grow to like him even more. Today I only got to see him for about 20 minutes, since I had class, but even then it was the highlight of my day. I love when he comes and lays on my lap, when he gives me little kisses, how he squirms when I try to put my finger in his ear (don't ask...I guess it's kind of a joke we have). I'm trying not to rush things, because it has ONLY been a week that I've known him. But it just feels right, and yesterday when we hung out and laid in my bed, just napping all afternoon, he said the same thing- it feels right. I'm not expecting him to be my boyfriend in the next couple of days...if it even gets to that point, I'd at least like to wait until he turns 18 (which happens in March anyway). I can't stop thinking about him, and I really hope that this just continues and keeps growing into something more. Like I said, it just feels so right.

So...another story.

Ha. Another situation has developed. I probably sound really wishy-washy with my emotions, but...yeah. I don't know what to make of it.

So in the past week I've been on three different dates, thanks to Craig's List. Ha. On Friday night whilst hanging out with Brittany I decided on a whim to just post a harmless ad on that site, seeing if anyone wanted to hang out on a strictly friendly level, and to my surprise I got quite a few responses. I ended up meeting with one guy on Sunday afternoon for coffee, which was nice (albeit a purely friendly encounter, no attraction whatsoever. Just a nice guy and we had some intelligent conversation, which is always appreciated). Then Monday afternoon had lunch with the second guy. He's extremely cute, very laid back guy...and yes he is 28. By far he's the most attractive of the three, and I had a good time with him, but I don't see anything really going there. We are going to have dinner on Friday night, but again I doubt anything will progress from there aside from being friends.

Then last night I met up with the third guy. And this is where the interesting situation comes about. First of all, he's 17. He'll be 18 next month, so it's not all creepy pedophile-like. But still, he is in high school (senior at Valencia) and high school kids can be a giant headache if you've been away from that environment for three years now.

However, I was pleasantly surprised at how unexpected the date turned out. We met up at Starbucks, and I was anticipating hanging out for an hour or so, he'd probably be the annoying 17-year-old that I was expecting, and I would just go home. We ended up staying at Starbucks for about an hour and a half, then drove over to Central park for another two hours and just walked around and talked.

For one, he is much different from the type of guy I was expecting. He's a bit quiet, but he's got a certain wit about him, and definitely seems much more mature than his age would suggest. Number two, on the outside he's absolutely NOTHING like the kind of guys I'd typically go for, but he is cute in his own way. I mean the kid had plugs in his ears- could you get any farther from Mark's usual all-American clean cut boy? But by the end of the night I was intrigued by him, and admittedly haven't quite been able to get him out of my head all day today. It's bizarre, it's not what I expected, but at the same time it feels nice.

Anyway, that's all for now. We'll see what happens.

Grammy Schwammy

So the Grammy Awards were held last night.

Yawn.

I suppose for recreational purposes and for the sake of killing five minutes of my time I'll cover some highlights. I didn't actually watch the show (and you couldn't screw me enough to) but I do of course keep tabs on who won what, though it's almost always complete whorehash.

Album of the Year: Dixie Chicks. I'm fine with that, I enjoy them. They're rather bad ass for being rather square and kind of hick-ish.

Record of the Year: Dixie Chicks. See above.

Song of the Year: Dixie Chicks. Really no other song nominated in this category particularly struck me, so I'm satisfied.

Ummm I forgot what else. Oh Carrie Underwood won Best New Artist. Yawn. James Blunt must have won something here or there, apparently Mary J. Blige lucked out a few times. More yawns. "My Humps" won one of the awards.

wait..what?

Oh that's right. The same category "Stickwitu" from the Pussycat Dolls earned a nod from. THIS is why I don't give a flying shit about the Grams.

Anyway that's all for now. Sophie Ellis Bextor's new single only got to #18 on the UK chart this week, which is rather boorish. I'm seeing a decline in our favorite pop stars...except Girls Aloud, of course. I'm willing to bet a box of paperclips that "Walk This Way" will get to #1.

The whole Girls Aloud, Sugababes thing

I started it off in my last post with NOT VERY GOOD. I have since decided to retract that statement and declare it GOOD, BUT NOT AS BRILLIANT AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I mean, honestly- how many more times are two fucking amazing bands like Girls Aloud or the Sugababes going to record together? Girls Aloud will more than likely split up after the next album which supposedly and HOPEFULLY is coming out later this year (I'm not one to be cynical, but all wonderful amazing godly etc etc things can't last forever), and the public's reception to the Sugababes is borderlining relative indifference, following the rather bummish performances of their last two singles "Follow Me Home" and "Easy" (I'm still smarting over the latter...how can the public be so stupid to ignore such a fucking great song...). Alls I'm saying for the twelfth time is they could've taken complete opportunity of this and raped it raw by creating some original ungodly single.

Anyway, all that aside, my main reason for changing my opinion of "Walk This Way" is frankly because of the video. It is definitely better when watched with the video. Without the video, not as great, though it's a joy to hear Kimberely with her own verses in the beginning. That in itself is a rare and wonderful thing considering she is by far my favorite Girl Aloud. Squee for me. But the video is definitely one thing done right in this whole fiasco. Although I would've definitely squelched in my pants if a few different changes were put in---

1) The part when Sarah busts through the wall with the mic stand, and then all of the girls are giving each other rude faces, I would've loved to seen Cheryl just reach over and slapped Keisha silly. Because, you know, Keisha and Cheryl are considered the "bitchy" members of their respective groups. Not that I dislike Keisha by any means, but seriously- who wouldn't want to see them bitch it out?

2) The runway/concert part at the end would've been better if they had busted out in some giant synchronized dance routine. Aloud does one, but the 'babes sit this one out (though looking at their past videos, choreography is clearly not something they lower themselves to. Which is fine, on certain levels. That's a story we can continue another day). OR! They could've ignited some giant mosh pit and just crowd surfed, all eight of them.

Anyway, the video is great. The song is still iffy, but the video is great as I just said before. Now I'm repeating myself and rambling.

Some Great New Songs That You Ought To Know About Because They Are Just That Good.

Shiny Toy Guns – Don’t Cry Out
I don’t think this is considered “new”, being that their album was released thirty times over the past two years. But nonetheless, it is great, because they are a great band. “Le Disko”- fantastic. “Don’t Cry Out”- even more fantastic. If “Le Disko” was the electro-rock song, then "Don't Cry Out" is the electro-pop-80s song. You know, like everything else out there these days. I'm sure you'll love it.

Hellogoodbye - Here (In Your Arms)
Again, not necessarily "new"...it's been out since last year. But it's SO DAMN GOOD. I'm thoroughly impressed that an American band made up of American teenagers/were-teenagers-three-years-ago can produce such a shamelessly cheery pop song. I want to dance like a fool every time I hear it, it's wonderful. Especially that chorus with the vocoders, not seen since Cher and Eiffel 65 molested that thing to death. Squee!

Fall Out Boy - This Ain't a Scene, It's An Arms Race
Yes, another American band doing great un-American things. Maybe not in this case. It's still great. Great with a capital "g"...notice how it's already capitalized due to its use in the beginning of the sentence. Was that planned? Perhaps...

Girls Aloud vs Sugababes - Walk This Way
NOT VERY GOOD. But I mentioned it because it is Girls Aloud and the Sugababes. Which is just duh. Girls Aloud. Sugababes. On a song. Together. In the same studio (maybe). But on the same recorded piece of work nonetheless. On paper it's the most AMAZING THING ever. I'm still unbelievably disappointed that they chose a shitty remake instead of an outstanding original piece of fuck-me pop genius. The heavens spite me...

Arctic Monkeys have a new album coming in a couple of months and I know it's going to be great. They named the first single "Brianstorm", though no one's quite sure if it's a pathetic typo of "BrAINstorm" or if they literally meant "BrIAnstorm". They're sneaky lads, aren't they?

BAD SONGS --

I don't like Lily Allen. Sorry, Popjustice. But she says rude things about Girls Aloud, and I fail to notice anything remotely unidentical about "Smile" and "LDN". It's the same song with maybe one or two different words, and frankly it's kind of crap.

Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape
Please. "Wind It Up" at least had a funky bass. BY NO MEANS DOES THIS INDICATE I AM GIVING THE SONG A POSITIVE NOTE. Because it is still the ugliest pop song of the past ten years. Still, "The Sweet Escape" is perhaps a smidge worse. Perhaps. I don't know, they both remind me of a giant mountain of feces in the middle of Cambodia.

Some magazine article, in reviewing Hilary Duff's song "Play With Fire" (I know, you've never heard it, it's not exactly worth your time like everything else the chick's ever done). Because of Hilary's recent foray into "electronic" music (cough...yeah right), and being that a certain Kylie Minogue dabbles in electronic-esque pop songs, this guy had THE AUDACITY to call Hilary "America's next Kylie Minogue".
WHAT?!?!?!
WHAT?!?!?!

NO. Hilary Duff is NOT mentionable in the same breath as Ms. Kylie. Never in this lifetime will that be possible. Sure, Kylie went from soap star to teen star based on cutesy dance "electronic" songs. But Kylie had "I Should Be So Lucky". Hilary has "Beat of My Heart". WHICH IS BETTER, I WONDER? No one should ever compare Hilary to Kylie. No one should compare Hilary to anyone, for that matter, for that would be terribly embarrassing (for the other person, I mean). Can Hilary ever do anything that touches close to "Can't Get You Out of My Head" or "I Believe in You"? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT. Call me crazy.

I ought to find this journalist who made that disgusting comparison and shoot him in the foot. Bastard. Filthy filthy bastard.

That is all for now.

The Charts: Necessary?

Basically, we might as well abolish any form of official music charts because people are clearly uninterested in purchasing physical music anymore.

The "Dreamgirls" soundtrack (ew...) claims the #1 spot in the US this week with 66,000 copies sold. Paris Hilton's album sold more than that and still never made it to #1, thankfully.

Last week the UK charts announced they were allowing all downloads to compete for the #1 spot on the singles chart. This means I could vomit into a microphone, and as long as I can get it onto mp3 and make it available for download I could have a #1 hit in the United Kingdom.

Crap, I tell you. Complete crap.

Aah, a new year.

Yes kids, it's that time again. New Year's. Let's just go on record to say 2006 teetered dangerously into the borders of Crapsville. There were a few great songs this year. "Something Kinda Ooooh". "Easy". "From Paris to Berlin". etc etc etc. There were a few shit songs this year. "London Bridge". "Wind It Up". "London Bridge". "Wind It Up". "P Diddy". "Danity Kane". etc etc etc.

What will 2007 bring upon us? Will Fergie mysteriously lose her "voice" and suddenly never be able to "sing" again? Will Gwen Stefani realize that The Sweet Escape is selling dirt and magically reunite with No Doubt to put out the best pop record of 2007 by Christmas time? Will Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" spend forty weeks at No.1 and re-establish her as the biggest pop star on Earth? God that would stink...at least in 2003 her songs were somewhat likeable.

Already some good news is on the way. My lovely Kimberley from Girls Aloud tells the Sun that their new album will be out at the end of the year- awesome. They're also doing a tour in the spring/summer....not that it does much for me considering I don't live in Britain :(

Here's one thing I have to bitch about- Girls Aloud AND Sugababes- the two currently greatest pop groups- are doing a single together. Guh. GUH! HOW FUCKING AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?

But.

They're doing "Walk This Way", as originally by done by Aerosmith, then lamely rehashed for the Super Bowl five or six years ago with Britney before the C-scars and 'N Sync before Lance Bass liked it in the ass (hmm, that's questionable...moving on). Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? How about commition Xenomania to write a completely original, completely AWESOME song, make it sound like "Biology" and "Easy" if they were tossed into a blender together. I would wet my shorts worse than Fergie did at that one Black Eyed Peas concert.

But no. They're doing a lame cover. At the VERY LEAST, Xenomania better be producing it. Because I think somewhere in the Laws of the Universe, Girls Aloud are hereby forbidden to work with anyone else other than Mr. Higgins and friends, and the Sugababes just realize Higgins and friends produce the better of their sons. Or maybe Richard X could be in charge, and turn it into some completely freaked out electro-mash-glam-what-the-fuck slice of orgasmic genius. I like that idea just as well.

Anyway, I'm glad it's the new year. Christina Aguilera's album has failed to produce another hit single (no, "Hurt" is not a hit. Sorry.) Gwen Stefani's album fell two thousand places on the US chart. It could be a good year.

Why.

Is it healthy to put yourself in a relationship that you know you're riding passenger in? How do you get into the driver's seat, or at least compromise so you both can pull over occassionally and let the other drive? Obviously the latter is best, but what happens when you know you're not getting anywhere and still allowing yourself to be taken for a ride? At some point, you break, and at some point you draw the line. Or, very slowly, you eventually grow out of it.

I would prefer just stopping it altogether, but deep down I know it's not going to happen. I've tried to wean myself off of this plenty of times and it still hasn't happened. The only way I feel I can move on is if I know for sure that this won't amount to anything. I want an answer, either way, and if the answer is no then I'll be relieved. I'm tired of stumbling over the same thing again and again, and I just want something new to come along.

Ooooooo

Christmas Gift List -

1. Ryan- Some video game. Or cars. My brother is the easiest kid to shop for.
2. Hootaf- I'll find some random book at Border's cos we got a coupon for 20% off at work. Nice.
3. Lauren- I have no clue. Something cute, but something that has to be under $10.
4. Mom & Stepdad- I guess we're chipping in $30 for those Kings tickets.
5. Dad- I have no clue.

Tomorrow I have to buy my outfit for Saturday's dinner, and get Lauren's present. I'll have Leslie go with me after work.

Oy. Christmas is stressful. Stressful but fun. I got all next weekend off and though I'm working on Christmas Day, I at least got the shift I wanted- 3-7pm. It's only 4 hours, and I'll be off early enough to go to the Oliphants' like I wanted to.

You got me burning up

It’s a fire I can’t put out
Something I just cannot extinguish
But if it were ever to fade out
It would fill me with such anguish
But you know you got me burning up, know you got me on fire
And the one thing that still keeps me up is you, for you there’s a desire
What am I supposed to do tell me pretty baby
You’re pulling me left and right
And I’m on the verge of going simply crazy
But there’s no one in this world quite like you
It’s strange how I came to this point with you
Call me if you're lonely, and baby you shall see
I'm the one who keeps you where you need to be
And you know you got me burning up, know you got me on fire
And the one thing that still keeps me up is you, for you there’s a desire
Late at night I pretend you're lying with me
Touching me in ways I've never felt before
There's no one else I want to feel inside me
It's the only feeling that I need for sure
You got me burning up
Yea you got me burning up
You got me burning up...

State of music.

In a very sad, disappointing week, "Easy" from the Sugababes has plummeted to No.16 after spending only ONE week in the top 10 last week....at No.8 of all positions.

I suppose I saw this coming. The video and the download all came out far too soon before the actual single release. By the time the single actually came out I was already slightly getting over the song. But still. For a group that has managed to reach No.1 three consecutive times with the lead singles from their albums, it's disappointing. It's a travesty, because "Easy" is undoubtedly one of the year's best pop songs.

What else...Girls Aloud got to No.1 a few weeks ago with their greatest hits CD, which is always enjoyable. Beyonce's new single "Irreplaceable" is surprisingly doing slightly well on both sides of the Atlantic, which is disappointing because it's complete rubbish. I was certainly praying that EVERY track from her album would flop so that she could finally shut the hell up and re-evaluate her life and her music and her hair, but it seems my dreams of failure for Ms. Knowles could be crushed.

Even if "Irreplaceable" does become the album's biggest hit, I'll still find a way to scrutinize the whole thing. "Oh wow, one top three single when your last CD had two consecutive No.1's. Oh wow, you're still putting out crap videos and crap songs. Oh wow, I still can't stand you". Anyway, you get the idea.

What's next in the pop world....Girls Aloud's Christmas single is "I Think We're Alone Now", yes, the same song by fire-crotched singer who danced around in malls during the '80s. I've heard the Aloud version, and...ya, not one of their finer moments. Have any of their covers been particularly good? "Jump", "I'll Stand By You", "See the Day"...yeah, not really.

Gwen Stefani still has the crappiest song of the past two months...or however long it's been since people finally stopped listening to a certain "London Bridge" fuck-shit by a certain walrus who calls herself "Fergie". Speaking of the Fergie-Ferg, "Fergalicious".....ha. I've heard 70-year-olds taking a shit in your closet sound better than that song.

That's all I can muster up for now. Stay tuned.

Another music blog.

It's been a while since I've raved/ranted about the goings on in current pop music. So here I go.

1. I am offering Gwen Stefani an ultimatum, as opposed to writing her off as complete shit and hating her forever. Why? Because I love Gwen Stefani. I just don't like it when she thinks reuniting with No Doubt can wait for another bad solo album. Which is coming in December, f.y.i. The other day I heard the Star 98.7 premiere of her new single "Wind It Up", and...what? What the hell? Biggest pile of unlistenable shit ever. It samples that yodeling song from "Sound of Music", because sampling "If I Were A Rich Man" wasn't enough. Not to mention it sounds peculiarly like "Hollaback Girl". I can't even begin to explain how awful this is. Still, in a match-off between Fergies' "London Bridge" and "Wind It Up", I'd choose Stefani without a doubt. But honestly, Gwennie Gwen Gwen, it's time to go back to the boys. It's been FIVE years since the last proper No Doubt album...I miss you guys. We all do. Don't make us wait much longer.

2. What? No one likes the new Jessica Simpson single "I Belong To Me" or whatever the fuck it's called? Nooooo. Unheard of! I was being sarcastic, you fucks.

3. P. Diddy has the #1 album in America. Reason #456040389 why Americans have shit taste in pop music.

4. Girls Aloud entered the UK singles chart this week at NUMBER 5 with "Something Kinda Ooooh", becoming the first group in HISTORY to enter the UK singles chart in the top 10 based on downloads ALONE. Do you know what this means?

Do you?

DO YOU?????

It means, that since the actual CD single for "Something Kinda Ooooh" came out on Monday, that coupled with the stellar download sales, IT COULD BE No.1 NEXT WEEK. Their THIRD No.1 in the UK. I'm squirming over the excitement. "Something Kinda Ooooh" needs this No.1. Especially after the rather disappointing performances of "See the Day" (#8) and "Whole Lotta History" (#6).

5. "Easy" from the Sugababes is still brilliant. I've played it at least 1,000 times and I'm still not sick of it. The verses...eh. Not too fond of. But when it gets to that "Come on, baby" bridge, I'm loving it. When it gets to that awesome and I do mean AWESOME chorus...I'm in heaven. I haven't found another pop single in 2006 with a chorus THAT BLOODY GOOD. "Something Kinda Ooooh" doesn't even have a chorus as fantastic as "Easy". So really, it's brilliant.

6. Madonna tosses out ANOTHER single from "Confessions On a Dance Floor", apparently without realizing that no one cares. Janet Jackson's new album is tanking, apparently without realizing that no one cares.

7. I want to take this moment to pat myself on the back for TOTALLY CALLING THIS SHIT -----

Beyonce. Her new album is looking like a flop. Sure, highest debut sales for a female artist this year. But how quickly has it fallen out of the top 10? "Deja Vu" only spent two weeks in the top 10? "Ring the Alarm" didn't even reach the top 10? Yeah. Totally called that. Because if you recall, back in August or so, weeks before the release of "B'Day", when "Deja Vu" was still making airwaves with its hideous video, I predicted that Beyonce's once-unstoppable hit machine was about to run out of steam. Because, "Deja Vu" is a god-awful song. Because Beyonce has suddenly become irritating. Now, people didn't realize "Check On It" was a wretched piece of work because it was No.1 for so many weeks back in January, so whatever. People are dumb. But now people are realizing, "Hey, Beyonce's new album kind of blows? We're kind of over her. Let's buy the new Justin Timberlake CD instead". Right you are.

8. Which brings me to the next topic, Justin. "Summer Love" from his new album is pretty damn good. I rather enjoy it. I'm sick to death of "SexyBack", admittedly, but "My Love" and "Summer Love" are both pretty damn good. Kudos, JT. Kudos.

And that's all. For now.

Ongoing.

My aunt hasn't died yet, as we had expected her to on Friday. Just got back from Bishop today with the rest of the family. She is still lingering, so we're taking things one day at a time. She improved slightly this morning from yesterday and the day before. Yesterday morning we had a priest come and administer the last rites, which was probably close to the saddest thing I've ever had to watch in person. Yesterday was just a blur of emotions. My mom, my aunts, my sisters, some of my cousins all crying, then my grandfather worried himself into a panic attack so HE also had to go to the emergency room.

But yesterday afternoon I went with my grandma to church, and it actually turned out to be one of the brighter moments of the day. It just felt beautiful to be in such a peaceful place, in a church that I felt actually represented what I look for in a church. All these other Catholic churches that my family has tried going to around Santa Clarita, they're all so casual, so lax about everything. No one dresses for Mass, the priests deliver such easy-going, uninspiring sermons. It just disgusts me. This church was different; this church was like the church I remember when I was growing up. One of tradition, one of honor. It felt good to be reunited with that feeling. One of the reasons why I stopped going to church was because I got sick of all this new-age bullshit everyone's trying to go for. The way I see it, if you step into a Catholic church you should honor the Mass and honor the church in the way the Catholic church has been structured. If you want to be more lax about it, then that's fine, but leave that for another church. When it comes to the Catholic church, it should be about tradition and about honoring the Lord in a respectful manner, like how the Catholics intended.

I told my grandma about how I want to get back into church, and she told me to start going to RIA classes for adults and finally recieve Confirmation. I was halfway through my studies for Confirmation when we stopped going to church, and a part of me has always regretted that. But the problem is still that I can't find a Catholic church close to where I live that is traditional, because Lord knows Blessed Kateri and OLPH aren't. For Christ's sake at OLPH they allowed some of the congregation to touch the altar and clean up the dishes and cups used for communion. What kind of bullshit is that? Don't they know only the priest is allowed to touch those? I swear. But my grandma did tell me that she and my grandpa read about a traditional Catholic church over near Hart High, so I suppose I can check that out and if it turns out to be the way I like it, then I'll definitely go there and recieve my Confirmation.

Get behind me, Satan.

Today has been a rather unlikeable day, considering I'm working until 9:30 and shall go home tonight to study for a math test I surely will fail, which is something I need to NOT happen since I've failed the last two tests. But besides that, my day was somewhat brightened by an unexpected phone call from my cousin.

I've had an interesting relationship with her over the past few years. Growing up, we were inseperable, as I was with all of my cousins. Into our teens we stayed close, but as recent as two or three years ago I've noticed a significant distance between us. Mostly because she prefers to spend every minute of her waking hour with her boyfriend, which is fine and all. That's her decision, but still. I find it extremely upsetting that for three years in a row she has bailed out on Christmas Eve with the family to be with her boyfriend's family. She hasn't come to any parties, any barbecues, any other such gatherings. The last family function she attended was my grandparents' 50th anniversary, which was great that she came. Except, of course, she brought her boyfriend and they ended up leaving the reception about three hours before it was even over.

Especially these past few years, our family has been especially precarious. My uncle Oscar and his wife and kids have preferred to completely isolate themselves from the rest of us over the past few years. My cousin's dad has his own problems. Then there's the recent turn of events with my aunt, and I think everyone is realizing just how serious this is and just how badly we all need to regroup as a family. Now, more than ever. So the call today from my cousin was a slight glimmer of hope for the future of the family. We used to be so close, and now we seem so far. I just pray that these sad times can hopefully recycle into better times for us all.

nhjIOGhu.

Guess what.

Knott's is tomorrow night.

And Stephanie is a whore.

Here's a few things. Number one, don't be a douchebag and get all awkward with me when clearly YOU'RE the one who fucked up. You should be thankful that I'm not holding this one against you (well not entirely against you) and not being weird with you. So, why the need to display that attitude towards me? Not cool, guys.

Stephanie has large tatas.

Stephanie says "thanks".

Stephanie is giggling profusely. Behind me. She's being a behind-stare-er.

Michele.

Stephanie = Michele.

Mark > Michele.

Mark/Stephanie > or = Michele.

Candice > Michele.

Mark > Candice.

Stephanie < Candice.

Stephanie =/= Candice.

Ha. How's that for inequalities.

Stephanie thinks she's funny when she's really slutty.

Here.

There's something bizarre about knowing what you know, and having to experience that at the same time. It's funny, life. How the saddest things can reverse themselves into some joy you never quite expected.

I don't quite understand how I work. I'm a classic Cancer in every sense- overly sensitive, fiercely protective of those I love, but guarded and incredibly withdrawn when it comes to my emotions. I believe that full-heartedly. I'm extremely protective of my family right now- of my mom, of my grandparents- but I don't quite know how to let myself handle it. I know what will happen. I won't think about it, I'll just focus on getting my family through it before finally breaking down and throwing myself into a complete chaotic mess. But then again that's how I've always been.

This is the most difficult time my family's had in six years. Damn work and damn that we're packed next weekend and damn that two other people requested next Saturday off because I can't go with my mom and my sister to my aunt's house. My mom says we'll be going at least once a month, so the next trip should be in a few weeks after that, but still. I have to be there every moment, I have to involve myself completely, because when it comes to my family that's just what I've always done. Since I was a child I was he unofficial chairman of coordination for this family. Whenever there was some emergency, all the adults looked to me as the one to get the cousins all organized, because in reality I truly was the big brother to everyone in my family. That's how my role has always been. My older sister was never in charge, I always was. And I know that's my sense of duty to my family even to this day. My mom wishes I would back off sometimes because she fears I stretch myself too thin, but that's an impossible task to ask of me. I can't sit back when things are going awry, I have to step in and become that big brother I've always been.

So, another event has come where I need to continue that role, a role that I'll continue doing until my dying day.

Hmmm.

I wonder, what happens if you decide to change the way you look at someone over something you're not sure of? But not in a bad way. In a way that you wouldn't expect, because they're not what you expected. But how do I know that I'm not what they expected? Why do I feel like they have a notion already in their mind of what I am? Which isn't fair to me because they don't, but still. Maybe on the outside and maybe from what they know of me, I seem like everyone else. I seem like the others. But I don't think I am, and I feel like I could be something unexpected.

Oh, you know. Life.

Seems like anytime some things are going well, there's got to be one incident that comes along and puts a damper on things.

Things in my family are strange right now. My aunt has been sick with the tumor in her head since the beginning of this year, but over the past few months it seemed like her condition was getting slightly better, or at least staying fairly constant. Then last week she got worse. My mom went to visit her, and was basically told that the doctors don't think she'll recover from this. Five months of heavy chemo still hasn't shrunk the mass in her brain, and it's completely destroyed the vision in her right eye. Then she is put on a feeding tube. Thursday night I went to visit her and had to try my absolute hardest to not cry in front of my family. Why? I don't know. I just can't. I can't cry in front of my mom, because I've always been the most adult of my siblings, I've always been the solid, composed one when it's come to family deaths and such events, that if I let my mom see me upset I think she'll just lose it, as if she's not emotionally jumbled enough. Then Friday morning she has to go into emergency surgery because that feeding tube apparently wasn't in her stomach, it was pumping crap into her abdomen and through her blood stream and basically gave her blood poisoning. So mind you, Friday afternoon she almost DIED from all this. My grandparents are staying at my house this weekend, and this morning my uncle calls around 5 am because my aunt started going into some kind of body shock because her blood has been so screwed up.

Obviously the main priority is my aunt's health and whether she's actually going to live at this point, but let me just say that I smell a big fat lawsuit for the hospital when all this settles.

Before I left for work today I could tell my mom was ready to lose it. I know how she gets when she's reached her wit's end, and I knew she was just on the verge of completely breaking down. It's so hard. My aunt told my mom the other day that she wasn't worried about what happened to herself, but she was terrified for her kids and she told my mom if anything happens that she needs to take care of them for her. Yeah, like that's not enough to make you want to cry. But today when I talked to my mom before work she told me that my aunt's kids are what's frightening her the most. My cousins are only 16 and 15, they were home-schooled by my aunt since they were little. They only started going to public school once my aunt got sick, so obviously this past year has been a huge, unbelievable change for them. My uncle is three years older than my grandfather, so clearly he doesn't have much time left for him, and (God forbid) if something does happen and my aunt does end up dying, what's going to happen to my cousins? Their dad is far too old to go on for much longer to raise two teenage kids, and...God. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what's happening. My mom said she feels like she's losing her family. If my aunt goes, then my uncle probably won't last much longer because he'll be so devastated by that. My grandfather, who got himself worried sick when my brother just had to go get his appendix taken out, just to give you a point of reference as to how worrisome he is, will probably not even be able to handle his daughter's death. He will probably make himself deathly sick over it. My grandmother, who has never showed an ounce of emotion in her entire life, will probably snap over this.

I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all these what if scenarios, but it's a frightening time. My family drives me nuts- they're big, they're loud, everyone's got to be up in everyone's business, they're melodramatic, they love causing drama and making scenes- but nevertheless they're my family and if anything happened to any of them, I don't know if I could take it. Even if I've always been the strong one, the one that always fought to keep things together during the countless moments of drama within the Meza family, I don't know if I can compete against death. I feel like that's where I'll reach my limit, and that when someone in my family does die, I'll lose that limit and just crumble.

Should've come with a party rap so I know where the night will take me.

Let me say this- going to a party, having a couple of drinks and then being at work at 6 am is not exactly my idea of a good time.

But last night was rather fun. I think it's hilarious that most of my co-workers were surprised at how loud and energetic I was, since at work I'm reserved and all. Stephanie, Charles and Mandy were certainly not surprised in the least, but everyone else seemed to find this other side of my personality amusing.

Only two weeks away from the busiest month that I will have had in a long time. Let's just map a few things out-

Oct 12- Knott's Scary Farm
Oct 13- Alyse's birthday, aka sleepover at Lauren's apartment the night before Disneyland
Oct 14- Disneyland for Alyse's birthday with the Posse
Oct 21 or 22- Lombardi's with the Posse
Oct 25- My brother's birthday
Oct 27- Seeing The Grudge 2 with Carly
Oct 28- Lauren and Brittany's parties....I'll be busy party hoppin' on that night
Oct 31- Halloween, obviously...I will probably have to work since Stephanie and Candice requested it off, but afterwards it's over to Lauren's house for Hocus Pocus/Dracula/Frankenstein (the original black and white ones) movie night

As you can see, many events, so little time. Plus I have to squeeze in the typical ho-hum of work and school. In all, definitely looking forward to it.

Last night before going to Hootaf's party I was with my family visiting my aunt in the hospital. First time I've seen her since March, when she started the chemo, so needless to say I was shocked when I saw her. Bald, with a feeding tube....yeah, was not pretty. I had to leave the room a few times, just too much to handle. My mom almost had another nervous breakdown. Oy.

Something 'side of me

Yes, I have heard it.

The new Girls Aloud single. "Something Kinda Ooh". I was a tad skeptical about the title, thinking maybe they've gone a bit TOO off the deep end (this coming from the same group that unleashed "Love Machine" and "Biology", two of the most bizarre pop singles of the past five year), but sure enough my doubts were rescued the moment "I've got to heat it up" starts screaming out of my speakers. GOD. Why do they have to continue being SO FUCKING GOOD???????????? Something kinda ooh jumping on my tutu???? How can one come up with this? Is it anywhere as remotely brilliant as "Biology"? Definitely not. Does it still put 95% of current pop songs to comlpete shit? Absolutely.

Also!

Jamelia's hopefully forthcoming single "Beware Of the Dog" is utterly fantastic. It samples Depeche Mode (!), almost like Rihanna sampled Soft Cell for "SOS", but herein lies the difference. Rihanna- sings like a whiny 7-year-old (however good "SOS" might have been). Jamelia- sings like a sexy chick in her mid-20s. Which is exactly what Jamelia is, a chick in her mid-20s. Fancy that, eh? Either way, the part where she goes "you better reach out and touch me" would have been SO better if she had actually sang "you beter reach out and touch faith" like the Depeche tune it takes a rip from.

So let's sum things up....

Summer 2006 was SHIT for pop music. SHIT. Fall 2006 is BRILLIANT for pop music. BRILLIANT. Here is the proof-
1. Justin Timberlake drops "SexyBack".
2. Beyonce realizes "Deja Vu" sucked vulture testes and instead switched to "Ring the Alarm".
3. Girls Aloud's new single. AND forthcoming greatest hits album.
4. Sugababes will ALSO be dropping a hits CD and their new single "Easy" within the next month or so.
5. Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog".

It's just like fall/winter of 2005, when Rachel Stevens, Sugababes and Girls Aloud ALL had new albums out and life in pop-dom was getting back to normal. Then upstarts like Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson had to fuck it all up.

Find yourself a girl and settle down.

I'm very good. Yes, very good. I don't like the word good, but I think it sums up quite nicely.

Favorite band of the moment- The Raconteurs. Genius. Jack White is a flippin' genius.

On somewhat of a side note, but not really because it's a good (that word again!) thought, I've been hanging out with Annie way more than we have since high school. Pretty much since the day Brittany and I drove up to her and Karin's apartment we've been talking on a routine basis, and I've seen her at least three times in the past month. Labor Day weekend was the kick-back at her place, then last weekend was Karin's birthday dinner, then last night I went to Denny's with her, Bo, Pappas, Ashley and Watanab. Then this Friday I'll probably drive up and spend the night at their apartment. That excites me, because for a while my opinion of Annie was rather sketchy. I thought she was a lot less fun, a lot more pretentious and worried over her image, but I realized she's still got that same spunk to her and she truly does care about her friends. I'm glad we've become close again, and I hope this continues. I think that's strange, that when she actually moves out of Santa Clarita, her and I actually become closer. Plus I love Bo. I think he's awesome, and I think he is good for Annie.

Haven't talked in about a week. Which is fine, because I'm still not in the mood to be go-hun buddies quite yet. I'm disappointed that our friendship has taken a hit over this, because that's one thing I've never wanted to happen, but I guess it serves to prove a point. I'm more than fine with how things are turning out in all departments, so that's a good thing. DAMMIT I said good again.

Would be nice.

If I were an asshole, I would be snickering and feeling fairly good about all of this. But I'm not, and so I'm not...or something of that nature.

Of course I'm not happy about it, because he's obviously been hurt. How can I be smiling when he's upset? Still, there is a slight case of Hate to Say I Told You So wrapped up in all of this. Believe me, you don't need to tell me twice that I didn't see all of this coming. I think I can give my instincts a pat on the back for having a hunch that this would go slightly wrong, but does that make me feel any better?

No.

Because it doesn't change the fact that some other hand of cards was ready to be played. Sure, I could call full house and reap my rewards, but deep down I know I'm not capable.

But surprisingly, I was fine when I became familiar with the situation. The outcome of it all made it slightly easier to stomach, but even the details of what went on BEFORE this happened weren't exactly devastating. I promised myself that I had reached my limits, and I think I'm sticking to that promise.

Not to give myself an ego boost, but if history is a telling reminder then I can probably expect an attempt at regaining my interests. And I honestly can say that if that situation does occur, I will smile politely and say 'no, thanks'. Deep down I love him and only wish he could see how happy I'd make him, but it's the fact that there was something else in his mind that looked slightly more appealing instead of me, and the fact that it blew up in his face. I can't bring myself to return the favor for someone who chose something else over me. I can't do that to myself, and if pride is a bitch, then hell I'll take pride all the way to town. Because at this point, my pride is all I've got left, and I'll be damned if something stomps all over it.

Pun.

For some reason today feels backwards. But I like it, I have to admit. Not the day I expected to have...hell, not even the night I expected to have, but I guess that's just been the name of the game for these 24 hours.

I'm still smarting over his phone call last night. I don't understand it...why did he say that? Why did he tell me to not call him for a few days? He should've just called, said good night....or not even called at all, because Lord knows he's done that 10,000 times and I've gotten used to it by now. But no. He called, said 'I wanted to call you back because I said I would', and then says 'Please don't call me for a few days, I'll call you." Naturally, I'm going to ask why. Outrageous? No. And he refuses to tell me. So now I don't know whether it's because of something I did or something that happened to him last night that just makes him not want to talk to anyone, period.

Point is, if you're going to say something like that, TELL ME why, or just do me a favor and don't tell me at all. It's not like we have to talk EVERYDAY, so why don't you just not call me for a couple of days?

I don't know. But I am so done with all of this, even though I know it's the hundredth time I've said it. I just don't know how much more I can do. First the whole Jeremy thing, now this, all within a span of two days. Maybe this is why I need to just swear off getting involved with guys altogether. I was doing good for a while, and now I am just in a fat smelly mess.

Pissed off.

I'M PISSED.

Why?

BECAUSE.

Hmmm, what? Mark's upset about this? Why would he do that? Mark, why are you being an asshole to me tonight?

OH I WONDER FUCKING WHY????

Hey pal, maybe if you got your dick straight and figured out exactly what it is you fucking want, things would be slightly better.

I still don't get how you can't understand why I'm pissed. Why? WHY? I think it's pretty fucking obvious, about as obvious as a hooker on Wilshire on Saturday night. Don't play dumb with me, and don't try to talk your way out of it. Just know that I'm PISSED and you're the reason why.

By the way do me a huge fucking favor and don't tell me anything else about this. Unless you want emasculation to go on your list of adventures for 2006.

Make the beats go harder.

So, as to be expected, we're still stuck back in square one. Two weeks later and STILL nothing? Wow, that shouldn't have been surprising to me. And you know what, it wasn't, so I don't feel like a right twit for cannon-balling into this.

That said, I have to say that there is someone else of slight interest to me. Nothing's going on, but he is nice to talk to and we do have some fairly amusing and engaging conversations. He seems like a nice kid. I'm glad that I called him a kid even though he's 2 years older than me. I think 22 is a good age. Then again, I said the same about 23 and look where that's landed me, so maybe I should be careful about which age is right or not. Pish posh, as I always say.

School starts in four days, which I'm surprisingly thankful for. I'm bored, and school does manage to keep you occupied. Not necessarily in the way I'd prefer, but at least I won't feel like a completely dull, useless mess. Not to mention I've finally caught up on my credit card bill (which wasn't even THAT much, but when you're unemployed for two months it catches up), and have decided that starting next week I can go ahead and start using it again. How keesh. Keesh isn't a word, by the way, but from this day henceforth I shall use it.

I could go for an apple pie right about now.

Incredible.

There's a track currently making the rounds of American clubs and dance stations (since we're always at least 13 and 1/2 months behind the rest of the world when it comes to really f-ing good Euro-pop), and it's titled "From Paris to Berlin". And no, it's not some dull pretentious DJ track. It's from Danish group Infernal. Yes. Danish. The breeding grounds of Aqua. It's the sound of Aqua if they had enough credibility to score themselves a spot on the Ultra Records roster, because Infernal is getting US distribution through Ultra. Because Ultra is our new best friend.

Point being, it's very good. It's very fun. It will make you feel as gay as a horse ride. And you will enjoy every moment of it.

Ring the Alarm.

After two atrocious singles, Beyonce finally decided to unleash something fairly decent to listen to. "Ring the Alarm" is by no means the smartest or catchiest tune around, but in comparison to "is that even a melody?" ("Check On It") and "honey, put it away" ("Deja Vu"), it's much more seismic and deserving of a few listens. I'm particularly keen on her little yelling rant at the very beginning.

If you believe the reporting done on Girls Aloud's Wikipedia article, they will be putting out a greatest hits disc next instead of a fourth album. Slightly disappointing. If Sugababes could wait four albums before dropping a hits collection at the end of this year, Girls Aloud can certainly pull out one more record out of their fine asses. Sure, twelve top 10 hits are certainly enough in this day and age to constitute a greatest hits album (hell, Mandy fucking Moore for fuck's sake has a "best of" CD), but still. A fourth album would convince the general public all the more that a break-up will still be at least another year or two away. Because we all know the day Girls Aloud cease to record together is the day pop music will officially die and drag everything down with it.

Alarming news. Hilary Duff aka Fake Teeth Too Big For My Face Chick has this new song out. It's called "Play With Fire" or some shit like that, and...I just have to confess. I rather like it. It's vaguely listenable. I feel so criminal and so vile for admitting to this, but I can't help it. Dammit. I'm a traitor to my generation.

And it's not just a phase.

It's everything I try to talk myself out of that is also everything I know is true. So maybe I should stop talking in the darker light to myself and begin to brighten my thoughts about this.

I began thinking tonight and I came to this-

I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him and I want him to hold me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and I want that to make him feel strong and secure. I don't want him to lose an ounce of his independence, his ferocity and his vivacious personality. Instead I want him to realize that those are the things that I love about him, and I want him to know that by giving me a part of himself and just letting me be his caretaker from time to time, he's not sacrificing those qualities. He's not sacrificing his independence by allowing me to be there for him.

And that's something I know I need to develop on. I've become so accustomed for so long to being independent, being on my own, not having to be there for a special person (obviously friends are an exception, but you get the differences there). I'll admit it's a struggle to allow MYSELF to hand patience and comfort over to someone, and especially to allow another person to do the same to me.

But you know what, I think I'm finally ready. If we're going to let his busy schedule get in the way of developing a relationship, then how the fuck are we going to combat it when I go back to school in just two weeks?

I don't care, I just want this to finally go somewhere, and I want us to give it honest effort this time. I don't care what happens, but I want it to be truthful.

Didn't feel so perfect.

Under normal circumstances, I would be kicking myself for completely going against what I said I wouldn't do.

But these aren't normal circumstances. So in this case, I figure 'what the hell?' Go out with your balls out and we'll see what comes of this.

Last night Kristen, Matthew and I rendezvous'ed over at Pei Wei for dinner. After eating we walked around the shopping center, and WHO of all people did we walk right by?

Frank.

Yep.

Frank.

That was unbelievably awkward, hilarious though because we were just talking about his dirty skank ass. He said hi to Kristen, to which Matthew replied "Why the hell would you say hi to us?" Amusing, absolutely.

Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart in Canyon Country, and....I got lost. Matthew bought cubbies for his shoes while Kristen and I made fun of him over it. Matthew took Kristen home, and I followed him back to his house, but we ended up going out AGAIN to meet his friends Paul and Martha at BJ's.

All in all an entertaining evening, albeit one of interesting outcomes. Still not sure how I feel about it, but I won't get my nickers in a twist. Enjoy it for now and let it go where it goes, I suppose.

Let's begin.

Number one-

There are certain things that seem to fly over your head regarding a few situations. The one of primary annoyance to me at this time is your inability to let this whole fiasco down easily.

Here's what I don't understand. You tell me you have feelings for me, you tell me I'm the one that is just right for you, you tell me you've waited so long yada yada crap crap crap, and when we FINALLY get the chance to test these waters, it fizzles faster than you can say "shotgun wedding".

Not that I'm bitter or resentful, because I'm not. So why do you feel the need to express annoyance at how UNannoyed I am with this outcome? Sure, I was disappointed, but I knew why we came to the decision and I felt the decision was a mature, thoughtful one. Our timing just is not right, and that's how it goes sometimes. What's the use in putting myself into anemia over this when I know deep down it's not going to work at this moment?

So to sum this entire rant up, here's what I have to say: You can't expect me nor want me to continue having feelings for you and continue wanting you if you know yourself that it won't work out. I don't play like that. I don't waste my time crying over someone that I know I can't be with for whatever circumstances, and I don't expect the other person to do the same. Considering HOW much time I've spent wondering if something could happen between us, I'd say this solution is fair game.

Three years I've spent wishing you were mine. Three years I've spent regretting the decision I made in the VERY beginning when I had the full-fledged opportunity to MAKE you mine. Three years I've spent hoping that the friendship we've built up would be the perfect foundation for the perfect relationship.

In no way do I want you to be any less a part of my life. But I will not feel guilty if I meet someone new in the future or if I'm just plain all right with the fact that our attempts at dating were unsuccessful.

I'm sorry, but I don't have another three years left in me. That's all I can do, and all I am willing to do.