And it's not just a phase.

It's everything I try to talk myself out of that is also everything I know is true. So maybe I should stop talking in the darker light to myself and begin to brighten my thoughts about this.

I began thinking tonight and I came to this-

I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him and I want him to hold me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and I want that to make him feel strong and secure. I don't want him to lose an ounce of his independence, his ferocity and his vivacious personality. Instead I want him to realize that those are the things that I love about him, and I want him to know that by giving me a part of himself and just letting me be his caretaker from time to time, he's not sacrificing those qualities. He's not sacrificing his independence by allowing me to be there for him.

And that's something I know I need to develop on. I've become so accustomed for so long to being independent, being on my own, not having to be there for a special person (obviously friends are an exception, but you get the differences there). I'll admit it's a struggle to allow MYSELF to hand patience and comfort over to someone, and especially to allow another person to do the same to me.

But you know what, I think I'm finally ready. If we're going to let his busy schedule get in the way of developing a relationship, then how the fuck are we going to combat it when I go back to school in just two weeks?

I don't care, I just want this to finally go somewhere, and I want us to give it honest effort this time. I don't care what happens, but I want it to be truthful.