Here.

There's something bizarre about knowing what you know, and having to experience that at the same time. It's funny, life. How the saddest things can reverse themselves into some joy you never quite expected.

I don't quite understand how I work. I'm a classic Cancer in every sense- overly sensitive, fiercely protective of those I love, but guarded and incredibly withdrawn when it comes to my emotions. I believe that full-heartedly. I'm extremely protective of my family right now- of my mom, of my grandparents- but I don't quite know how to let myself handle it. I know what will happen. I won't think about it, I'll just focus on getting my family through it before finally breaking down and throwing myself into a complete chaotic mess. But then again that's how I've always been.

This is the most difficult time my family's had in six years. Damn work and damn that we're packed next weekend and damn that two other people requested next Saturday off because I can't go with my mom and my sister to my aunt's house. My mom says we'll be going at least once a month, so the next trip should be in a few weeks after that, but still. I have to be there every moment, I have to involve myself completely, because when it comes to my family that's just what I've always done. Since I was a child I was he unofficial chairman of coordination for this family. Whenever there was some emergency, all the adults looked to me as the one to get the cousins all organized, because in reality I truly was the big brother to everyone in my family. That's how my role has always been. My older sister was never in charge, I always was. And I know that's my sense of duty to my family even to this day. My mom wishes I would back off sometimes because she fears I stretch myself too thin, but that's an impossible task to ask of me. I can't sit back when things are going awry, I have to step in and become that big brother I've always been.

So, another event has come where I need to continue that role, a role that I'll continue doing until my dying day.