Why.

Is it healthy to put yourself in a relationship that you know you're riding passenger in? How do you get into the driver's seat, or at least compromise so you both can pull over occassionally and let the other drive? Obviously the latter is best, but what happens when you know you're not getting anywhere and still allowing yourself to be taken for a ride? At some point, you break, and at some point you draw the line. Or, very slowly, you eventually grow out of it.

I would prefer just stopping it altogether, but deep down I know it's not going to happen. I've tried to wean myself off of this plenty of times and it still hasn't happened. The only way I feel I can move on is if I know for sure that this won't amount to anything. I want an answer, either way, and if the answer is no then I'll be relieved. I'm tired of stumbling over the same thing again and again, and I just want something new to come along.

Ooooooo

Christmas Gift List -

1. Ryan- Some video game. Or cars. My brother is the easiest kid to shop for.
2. Hootaf- I'll find some random book at Border's cos we got a coupon for 20% off at work. Nice.
3. Lauren- I have no clue. Something cute, but something that has to be under $10.
4. Mom & Stepdad- I guess we're chipping in $30 for those Kings tickets.
5. Dad- I have no clue.

Tomorrow I have to buy my outfit for Saturday's dinner, and get Lauren's present. I'll have Leslie go with me after work.

Oy. Christmas is stressful. Stressful but fun. I got all next weekend off and though I'm working on Christmas Day, I at least got the shift I wanted- 3-7pm. It's only 4 hours, and I'll be off early enough to go to the Oliphants' like I wanted to.

You got me burning up

It’s a fire I can’t put out
Something I just cannot extinguish
But if it were ever to fade out
It would fill me with such anguish
But you know you got me burning up, know you got me on fire
And the one thing that still keeps me up is you, for you there’s a desire
What am I supposed to do tell me pretty baby
You’re pulling me left and right
And I’m on the verge of going simply crazy
But there’s no one in this world quite like you
It’s strange how I came to this point with you
Call me if you're lonely, and baby you shall see
I'm the one who keeps you where you need to be
And you know you got me burning up, know you got me on fire
And the one thing that still keeps me up is you, for you there’s a desire
Late at night I pretend you're lying with me
Touching me in ways I've never felt before
There's no one else I want to feel inside me
It's the only feeling that I need for sure
You got me burning up
Yea you got me burning up
You got me burning up...

State of music.

In a very sad, disappointing week, "Easy" from the Sugababes has plummeted to No.16 after spending only ONE week in the top 10 last week....at No.8 of all positions.

I suppose I saw this coming. The video and the download all came out far too soon before the actual single release. By the time the single actually came out I was already slightly getting over the song. But still. For a group that has managed to reach No.1 three consecutive times with the lead singles from their albums, it's disappointing. It's a travesty, because "Easy" is undoubtedly one of the year's best pop songs.

What else...Girls Aloud got to No.1 a few weeks ago with their greatest hits CD, which is always enjoyable. Beyonce's new single "Irreplaceable" is surprisingly doing slightly well on both sides of the Atlantic, which is disappointing because it's complete rubbish. I was certainly praying that EVERY track from her album would flop so that she could finally shut the hell up and re-evaluate her life and her music and her hair, but it seems my dreams of failure for Ms. Knowles could be crushed.

Even if "Irreplaceable" does become the album's biggest hit, I'll still find a way to scrutinize the whole thing. "Oh wow, one top three single when your last CD had two consecutive No.1's. Oh wow, you're still putting out crap videos and crap songs. Oh wow, I still can't stand you". Anyway, you get the idea.

What's next in the pop world....Girls Aloud's Christmas single is "I Think We're Alone Now", yes, the same song by fire-crotched singer who danced around in malls during the '80s. I've heard the Aloud version, and...ya, not one of their finer moments. Have any of their covers been particularly good? "Jump", "I'll Stand By You", "See the Day"...yeah, not really.

Gwen Stefani still has the crappiest song of the past two months...or however long it's been since people finally stopped listening to a certain "London Bridge" fuck-shit by a certain walrus who calls herself "Fergie". Speaking of the Fergie-Ferg, "Fergalicious".....ha. I've heard 70-year-olds taking a shit in your closet sound better than that song.

That's all I can muster up for now. Stay tuned.

Another music blog.

It's been a while since I've raved/ranted about the goings on in current pop music. So here I go.

1. I am offering Gwen Stefani an ultimatum, as opposed to writing her off as complete shit and hating her forever. Why? Because I love Gwen Stefani. I just don't like it when she thinks reuniting with No Doubt can wait for another bad solo album. Which is coming in December, f.y.i. The other day I heard the Star 98.7 premiere of her new single "Wind It Up", and...what? What the hell? Biggest pile of unlistenable shit ever. It samples that yodeling song from "Sound of Music", because sampling "If I Were A Rich Man" wasn't enough. Not to mention it sounds peculiarly like "Hollaback Girl". I can't even begin to explain how awful this is. Still, in a match-off between Fergies' "London Bridge" and "Wind It Up", I'd choose Stefani without a doubt. But honestly, Gwennie Gwen Gwen, it's time to go back to the boys. It's been FIVE years since the last proper No Doubt album...I miss you guys. We all do. Don't make us wait much longer.

2. What? No one likes the new Jessica Simpson single "I Belong To Me" or whatever the fuck it's called? Nooooo. Unheard of! I was being sarcastic, you fucks.

3. P. Diddy has the #1 album in America. Reason #456040389 why Americans have shit taste in pop music.

4. Girls Aloud entered the UK singles chart this week at NUMBER 5 with "Something Kinda Ooooh", becoming the first group in HISTORY to enter the UK singles chart in the top 10 based on downloads ALONE. Do you know what this means?

Do you?

DO YOU?????

It means, that since the actual CD single for "Something Kinda Ooooh" came out on Monday, that coupled with the stellar download sales, IT COULD BE No.1 NEXT WEEK. Their THIRD No.1 in the UK. I'm squirming over the excitement. "Something Kinda Ooooh" needs this No.1. Especially after the rather disappointing performances of "See the Day" (#8) and "Whole Lotta History" (#6).

5. "Easy" from the Sugababes is still brilliant. I've played it at least 1,000 times and I'm still not sick of it. The verses...eh. Not too fond of. But when it gets to that "Come on, baby" bridge, I'm loving it. When it gets to that awesome and I do mean AWESOME chorus...I'm in heaven. I haven't found another pop single in 2006 with a chorus THAT BLOODY GOOD. "Something Kinda Ooooh" doesn't even have a chorus as fantastic as "Easy". So really, it's brilliant.

6. Madonna tosses out ANOTHER single from "Confessions On a Dance Floor", apparently without realizing that no one cares. Janet Jackson's new album is tanking, apparently without realizing that no one cares.

7. I want to take this moment to pat myself on the back for TOTALLY CALLING THIS SHIT -----

Beyonce. Her new album is looking like a flop. Sure, highest debut sales for a female artist this year. But how quickly has it fallen out of the top 10? "Deja Vu" only spent two weeks in the top 10? "Ring the Alarm" didn't even reach the top 10? Yeah. Totally called that. Because if you recall, back in August or so, weeks before the release of "B'Day", when "Deja Vu" was still making airwaves with its hideous video, I predicted that Beyonce's once-unstoppable hit machine was about to run out of steam. Because, "Deja Vu" is a god-awful song. Because Beyonce has suddenly become irritating. Now, people didn't realize "Check On It" was a wretched piece of work because it was No.1 for so many weeks back in January, so whatever. People are dumb. But now people are realizing, "Hey, Beyonce's new album kind of blows? We're kind of over her. Let's buy the new Justin Timberlake CD instead". Right you are.

8. Which brings me to the next topic, Justin. "Summer Love" from his new album is pretty damn good. I rather enjoy it. I'm sick to death of "SexyBack", admittedly, but "My Love" and "Summer Love" are both pretty damn good. Kudos, JT. Kudos.

And that's all. For now.

Ongoing.

My aunt hasn't died yet, as we had expected her to on Friday. Just got back from Bishop today with the rest of the family. She is still lingering, so we're taking things one day at a time. She improved slightly this morning from yesterday and the day before. Yesterday morning we had a priest come and administer the last rites, which was probably close to the saddest thing I've ever had to watch in person. Yesterday was just a blur of emotions. My mom, my aunts, my sisters, some of my cousins all crying, then my grandfather worried himself into a panic attack so HE also had to go to the emergency room.

But yesterday afternoon I went with my grandma to church, and it actually turned out to be one of the brighter moments of the day. It just felt beautiful to be in such a peaceful place, in a church that I felt actually represented what I look for in a church. All these other Catholic churches that my family has tried going to around Santa Clarita, they're all so casual, so lax about everything. No one dresses for Mass, the priests deliver such easy-going, uninspiring sermons. It just disgusts me. This church was different; this church was like the church I remember when I was growing up. One of tradition, one of honor. It felt good to be reunited with that feeling. One of the reasons why I stopped going to church was because I got sick of all this new-age bullshit everyone's trying to go for. The way I see it, if you step into a Catholic church you should honor the Mass and honor the church in the way the Catholic church has been structured. If you want to be more lax about it, then that's fine, but leave that for another church. When it comes to the Catholic church, it should be about tradition and about honoring the Lord in a respectful manner, like how the Catholics intended.

I told my grandma about how I want to get back into church, and she told me to start going to RIA classes for adults and finally recieve Confirmation. I was halfway through my studies for Confirmation when we stopped going to church, and a part of me has always regretted that. But the problem is still that I can't find a Catholic church close to where I live that is traditional, because Lord knows Blessed Kateri and OLPH aren't. For Christ's sake at OLPH they allowed some of the congregation to touch the altar and clean up the dishes and cups used for communion. What kind of bullshit is that? Don't they know only the priest is allowed to touch those? I swear. But my grandma did tell me that she and my grandpa read about a traditional Catholic church over near Hart High, so I suppose I can check that out and if it turns out to be the way I like it, then I'll definitely go there and recieve my Confirmation.

Get behind me, Satan.

Today has been a rather unlikeable day, considering I'm working until 9:30 and shall go home tonight to study for a math test I surely will fail, which is something I need to NOT happen since I've failed the last two tests. But besides that, my day was somewhat brightened by an unexpected phone call from my cousin.

I've had an interesting relationship with her over the past few years. Growing up, we were inseperable, as I was with all of my cousins. Into our teens we stayed close, but as recent as two or three years ago I've noticed a significant distance between us. Mostly because she prefers to spend every minute of her waking hour with her boyfriend, which is fine and all. That's her decision, but still. I find it extremely upsetting that for three years in a row she has bailed out on Christmas Eve with the family to be with her boyfriend's family. She hasn't come to any parties, any barbecues, any other such gatherings. The last family function she attended was my grandparents' 50th anniversary, which was great that she came. Except, of course, she brought her boyfriend and they ended up leaving the reception about three hours before it was even over.

Especially these past few years, our family has been especially precarious. My uncle Oscar and his wife and kids have preferred to completely isolate themselves from the rest of us over the past few years. My cousin's dad has his own problems. Then there's the recent turn of events with my aunt, and I think everyone is realizing just how serious this is and just how badly we all need to regroup as a family. Now, more than ever. So the call today from my cousin was a slight glimmer of hope for the future of the family. We used to be so close, and now we seem so far. I just pray that these sad times can hopefully recycle into better times for us all.

nhjIOGhu.

Guess what.

Knott's is tomorrow night.

And Stephanie is a whore.

Here's a few things. Number one, don't be a douchebag and get all awkward with me when clearly YOU'RE the one who fucked up. You should be thankful that I'm not holding this one against you (well not entirely against you) and not being weird with you. So, why the need to display that attitude towards me? Not cool, guys.

Stephanie has large tatas.

Stephanie says "thanks".

Stephanie is giggling profusely. Behind me. She's being a behind-stare-er.

Michele.

Stephanie = Michele.

Mark > Michele.

Mark/Stephanie > or = Michele.

Candice > Michele.

Mark > Candice.

Stephanie < Candice.

Stephanie =/= Candice.

Ha. How's that for inequalities.

Stephanie thinks she's funny when she's really slutty.

Here.

There's something bizarre about knowing what you know, and having to experience that at the same time. It's funny, life. How the saddest things can reverse themselves into some joy you never quite expected.

I don't quite understand how I work. I'm a classic Cancer in every sense- overly sensitive, fiercely protective of those I love, but guarded and incredibly withdrawn when it comes to my emotions. I believe that full-heartedly. I'm extremely protective of my family right now- of my mom, of my grandparents- but I don't quite know how to let myself handle it. I know what will happen. I won't think about it, I'll just focus on getting my family through it before finally breaking down and throwing myself into a complete chaotic mess. But then again that's how I've always been.

This is the most difficult time my family's had in six years. Damn work and damn that we're packed next weekend and damn that two other people requested next Saturday off because I can't go with my mom and my sister to my aunt's house. My mom says we'll be going at least once a month, so the next trip should be in a few weeks after that, but still. I have to be there every moment, I have to involve myself completely, because when it comes to my family that's just what I've always done. Since I was a child I was he unofficial chairman of coordination for this family. Whenever there was some emergency, all the adults looked to me as the one to get the cousins all organized, because in reality I truly was the big brother to everyone in my family. That's how my role has always been. My older sister was never in charge, I always was. And I know that's my sense of duty to my family even to this day. My mom wishes I would back off sometimes because she fears I stretch myself too thin, but that's an impossible task to ask of me. I can't sit back when things are going awry, I have to step in and become that big brother I've always been.

So, another event has come where I need to continue that role, a role that I'll continue doing until my dying day.

Hmmm.

I wonder, what happens if you decide to change the way you look at someone over something you're not sure of? But not in a bad way. In a way that you wouldn't expect, because they're not what you expected. But how do I know that I'm not what they expected? Why do I feel like they have a notion already in their mind of what I am? Which isn't fair to me because they don't, but still. Maybe on the outside and maybe from what they know of me, I seem like everyone else. I seem like the others. But I don't think I am, and I feel like I could be something unexpected.

Oh, you know. Life.

Seems like anytime some things are going well, there's got to be one incident that comes along and puts a damper on things.

Things in my family are strange right now. My aunt has been sick with the tumor in her head since the beginning of this year, but over the past few months it seemed like her condition was getting slightly better, or at least staying fairly constant. Then last week she got worse. My mom went to visit her, and was basically told that the doctors don't think she'll recover from this. Five months of heavy chemo still hasn't shrunk the mass in her brain, and it's completely destroyed the vision in her right eye. Then she is put on a feeding tube. Thursday night I went to visit her and had to try my absolute hardest to not cry in front of my family. Why? I don't know. I just can't. I can't cry in front of my mom, because I've always been the most adult of my siblings, I've always been the solid, composed one when it's come to family deaths and such events, that if I let my mom see me upset I think she'll just lose it, as if she's not emotionally jumbled enough. Then Friday morning she has to go into emergency surgery because that feeding tube apparently wasn't in her stomach, it was pumping crap into her abdomen and through her blood stream and basically gave her blood poisoning. So mind you, Friday afternoon she almost DIED from all this. My grandparents are staying at my house this weekend, and this morning my uncle calls around 5 am because my aunt started going into some kind of body shock because her blood has been so screwed up.

Obviously the main priority is my aunt's health and whether she's actually going to live at this point, but let me just say that I smell a big fat lawsuit for the hospital when all this settles.

Before I left for work today I could tell my mom was ready to lose it. I know how she gets when she's reached her wit's end, and I knew she was just on the verge of completely breaking down. It's so hard. My aunt told my mom the other day that she wasn't worried about what happened to herself, but she was terrified for her kids and she told my mom if anything happens that she needs to take care of them for her. Yeah, like that's not enough to make you want to cry. But today when I talked to my mom before work she told me that my aunt's kids are what's frightening her the most. My cousins are only 16 and 15, they were home-schooled by my aunt since they were little. They only started going to public school once my aunt got sick, so obviously this past year has been a huge, unbelievable change for them. My uncle is three years older than my grandfather, so clearly he doesn't have much time left for him, and (God forbid) if something does happen and my aunt does end up dying, what's going to happen to my cousins? Their dad is far too old to go on for much longer to raise two teenage kids, and...God. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what's happening. My mom said she feels like she's losing her family. If my aunt goes, then my uncle probably won't last much longer because he'll be so devastated by that. My grandfather, who got himself worried sick when my brother just had to go get his appendix taken out, just to give you a point of reference as to how worrisome he is, will probably not even be able to handle his daughter's death. He will probably make himself deathly sick over it. My grandmother, who has never showed an ounce of emotion in her entire life, will probably snap over this.

I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all these what if scenarios, but it's a frightening time. My family drives me nuts- they're big, they're loud, everyone's got to be up in everyone's business, they're melodramatic, they love causing drama and making scenes- but nevertheless they're my family and if anything happened to any of them, I don't know if I could take it. Even if I've always been the strong one, the one that always fought to keep things together during the countless moments of drama within the Meza family, I don't know if I can compete against death. I feel like that's where I'll reach my limit, and that when someone in my family does die, I'll lose that limit and just crumble.

Should've come with a party rap so I know where the night will take me.

Let me say this- going to a party, having a couple of drinks and then being at work at 6 am is not exactly my idea of a good time.

But last night was rather fun. I think it's hilarious that most of my co-workers were surprised at how loud and energetic I was, since at work I'm reserved and all. Stephanie, Charles and Mandy were certainly not surprised in the least, but everyone else seemed to find this other side of my personality amusing.

Only two weeks away from the busiest month that I will have had in a long time. Let's just map a few things out-

Oct 12- Knott's Scary Farm
Oct 13- Alyse's birthday, aka sleepover at Lauren's apartment the night before Disneyland
Oct 14- Disneyland for Alyse's birthday with the Posse
Oct 21 or 22- Lombardi's with the Posse
Oct 25- My brother's birthday
Oct 27- Seeing The Grudge 2 with Carly
Oct 28- Lauren and Brittany's parties....I'll be busy party hoppin' on that night
Oct 31- Halloween, obviously...I will probably have to work since Stephanie and Candice requested it off, but afterwards it's over to Lauren's house for Hocus Pocus/Dracula/Frankenstein (the original black and white ones) movie night

As you can see, many events, so little time. Plus I have to squeeze in the typical ho-hum of work and school. In all, definitely looking forward to it.

Last night before going to Hootaf's party I was with my family visiting my aunt in the hospital. First time I've seen her since March, when she started the chemo, so needless to say I was shocked when I saw her. Bald, with a feeding tube....yeah, was not pretty. I had to leave the room a few times, just too much to handle. My mom almost had another nervous breakdown. Oy.

Something 'side of me

Yes, I have heard it.

The new Girls Aloud single. "Something Kinda Ooh". I was a tad skeptical about the title, thinking maybe they've gone a bit TOO off the deep end (this coming from the same group that unleashed "Love Machine" and "Biology", two of the most bizarre pop singles of the past five year), but sure enough my doubts were rescued the moment "I've got to heat it up" starts screaming out of my speakers. GOD. Why do they have to continue being SO FUCKING GOOD???????????? Something kinda ooh jumping on my tutu???? How can one come up with this? Is it anywhere as remotely brilliant as "Biology"? Definitely not. Does it still put 95% of current pop songs to comlpete shit? Absolutely.

Also!

Jamelia's hopefully forthcoming single "Beware Of the Dog" is utterly fantastic. It samples Depeche Mode (!), almost like Rihanna sampled Soft Cell for "SOS", but herein lies the difference. Rihanna- sings like a whiny 7-year-old (however good "SOS" might have been). Jamelia- sings like a sexy chick in her mid-20s. Which is exactly what Jamelia is, a chick in her mid-20s. Fancy that, eh? Either way, the part where she goes "you better reach out and touch me" would have been SO better if she had actually sang "you beter reach out and touch faith" like the Depeche tune it takes a rip from.

So let's sum things up....

Summer 2006 was SHIT for pop music. SHIT. Fall 2006 is BRILLIANT for pop music. BRILLIANT. Here is the proof-
1. Justin Timberlake drops "SexyBack".
2. Beyonce realizes "Deja Vu" sucked vulture testes and instead switched to "Ring the Alarm".
3. Girls Aloud's new single. AND forthcoming greatest hits album.
4. Sugababes will ALSO be dropping a hits CD and their new single "Easy" within the next month or so.
5. Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog".

It's just like fall/winter of 2005, when Rachel Stevens, Sugababes and Girls Aloud ALL had new albums out and life in pop-dom was getting back to normal. Then upstarts like Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson had to fuck it all up.

Find yourself a girl and settle down.

I'm very good. Yes, very good. I don't like the word good, but I think it sums up quite nicely.

Favorite band of the moment- The Raconteurs. Genius. Jack White is a flippin' genius.

On somewhat of a side note, but not really because it's a good (that word again!) thought, I've been hanging out with Annie way more than we have since high school. Pretty much since the day Brittany and I drove up to her and Karin's apartment we've been talking on a routine basis, and I've seen her at least three times in the past month. Labor Day weekend was the kick-back at her place, then last weekend was Karin's birthday dinner, then last night I went to Denny's with her, Bo, Pappas, Ashley and Watanab. Then this Friday I'll probably drive up and spend the night at their apartment. That excites me, because for a while my opinion of Annie was rather sketchy. I thought she was a lot less fun, a lot more pretentious and worried over her image, but I realized she's still got that same spunk to her and she truly does care about her friends. I'm glad we've become close again, and I hope this continues. I think that's strange, that when she actually moves out of Santa Clarita, her and I actually become closer. Plus I love Bo. I think he's awesome, and I think he is good for Annie.

Haven't talked in about a week. Which is fine, because I'm still not in the mood to be go-hun buddies quite yet. I'm disappointed that our friendship has taken a hit over this, because that's one thing I've never wanted to happen, but I guess it serves to prove a point. I'm more than fine with how things are turning out in all departments, so that's a good thing. DAMMIT I said good again.

Would be nice.

If I were an asshole, I would be snickering and feeling fairly good about all of this. But I'm not, and so I'm not...or something of that nature.

Of course I'm not happy about it, because he's obviously been hurt. How can I be smiling when he's upset? Still, there is a slight case of Hate to Say I Told You So wrapped up in all of this. Believe me, you don't need to tell me twice that I didn't see all of this coming. I think I can give my instincts a pat on the back for having a hunch that this would go slightly wrong, but does that make me feel any better?

No.

Because it doesn't change the fact that some other hand of cards was ready to be played. Sure, I could call full house and reap my rewards, but deep down I know I'm not capable.

But surprisingly, I was fine when I became familiar with the situation. The outcome of it all made it slightly easier to stomach, but even the details of what went on BEFORE this happened weren't exactly devastating. I promised myself that I had reached my limits, and I think I'm sticking to that promise.

Not to give myself an ego boost, but if history is a telling reminder then I can probably expect an attempt at regaining my interests. And I honestly can say that if that situation does occur, I will smile politely and say 'no, thanks'. Deep down I love him and only wish he could see how happy I'd make him, but it's the fact that there was something else in his mind that looked slightly more appealing instead of me, and the fact that it blew up in his face. I can't bring myself to return the favor for someone who chose something else over me. I can't do that to myself, and if pride is a bitch, then hell I'll take pride all the way to town. Because at this point, my pride is all I've got left, and I'll be damned if something stomps all over it.

Pun.

For some reason today feels backwards. But I like it, I have to admit. Not the day I expected to have...hell, not even the night I expected to have, but I guess that's just been the name of the game for these 24 hours.

I'm still smarting over his phone call last night. I don't understand it...why did he say that? Why did he tell me to not call him for a few days? He should've just called, said good night....or not even called at all, because Lord knows he's done that 10,000 times and I've gotten used to it by now. But no. He called, said 'I wanted to call you back because I said I would', and then says 'Please don't call me for a few days, I'll call you." Naturally, I'm going to ask why. Outrageous? No. And he refuses to tell me. So now I don't know whether it's because of something I did or something that happened to him last night that just makes him not want to talk to anyone, period.

Point is, if you're going to say something like that, TELL ME why, or just do me a favor and don't tell me at all. It's not like we have to talk EVERYDAY, so why don't you just not call me for a couple of days?

I don't know. But I am so done with all of this, even though I know it's the hundredth time I've said it. I just don't know how much more I can do. First the whole Jeremy thing, now this, all within a span of two days. Maybe this is why I need to just swear off getting involved with guys altogether. I was doing good for a while, and now I am just in a fat smelly mess.

Pissed off.

I'M PISSED.

Why?

BECAUSE.

Hmmm, what? Mark's upset about this? Why would he do that? Mark, why are you being an asshole to me tonight?

OH I WONDER FUCKING WHY????

Hey pal, maybe if you got your dick straight and figured out exactly what it is you fucking want, things would be slightly better.

I still don't get how you can't understand why I'm pissed. Why? WHY? I think it's pretty fucking obvious, about as obvious as a hooker on Wilshire on Saturday night. Don't play dumb with me, and don't try to talk your way out of it. Just know that I'm PISSED and you're the reason why.

By the way do me a huge fucking favor and don't tell me anything else about this. Unless you want emasculation to go on your list of adventures for 2006.

Make the beats go harder.

So, as to be expected, we're still stuck back in square one. Two weeks later and STILL nothing? Wow, that shouldn't have been surprising to me. And you know what, it wasn't, so I don't feel like a right twit for cannon-balling into this.

That said, I have to say that there is someone else of slight interest to me. Nothing's going on, but he is nice to talk to and we do have some fairly amusing and engaging conversations. He seems like a nice kid. I'm glad that I called him a kid even though he's 2 years older than me. I think 22 is a good age. Then again, I said the same about 23 and look where that's landed me, so maybe I should be careful about which age is right or not. Pish posh, as I always say.

School starts in four days, which I'm surprisingly thankful for. I'm bored, and school does manage to keep you occupied. Not necessarily in the way I'd prefer, but at least I won't feel like a completely dull, useless mess. Not to mention I've finally caught up on my credit card bill (which wasn't even THAT much, but when you're unemployed for two months it catches up), and have decided that starting next week I can go ahead and start using it again. How keesh. Keesh isn't a word, by the way, but from this day henceforth I shall use it.

I could go for an apple pie right about now.

Incredible.

There's a track currently making the rounds of American clubs and dance stations (since we're always at least 13 and 1/2 months behind the rest of the world when it comes to really f-ing good Euro-pop), and it's titled "From Paris to Berlin". And no, it's not some dull pretentious DJ track. It's from Danish group Infernal. Yes. Danish. The breeding grounds of Aqua. It's the sound of Aqua if they had enough credibility to score themselves a spot on the Ultra Records roster, because Infernal is getting US distribution through Ultra. Because Ultra is our new best friend.

Point being, it's very good. It's very fun. It will make you feel as gay as a horse ride. And you will enjoy every moment of it.

Ring the Alarm.

After two atrocious singles, Beyonce finally decided to unleash something fairly decent to listen to. "Ring the Alarm" is by no means the smartest or catchiest tune around, but in comparison to "is that even a melody?" ("Check On It") and "honey, put it away" ("Deja Vu"), it's much more seismic and deserving of a few listens. I'm particularly keen on her little yelling rant at the very beginning.

If you believe the reporting done on Girls Aloud's Wikipedia article, they will be putting out a greatest hits disc next instead of a fourth album. Slightly disappointing. If Sugababes could wait four albums before dropping a hits collection at the end of this year, Girls Aloud can certainly pull out one more record out of their fine asses. Sure, twelve top 10 hits are certainly enough in this day and age to constitute a greatest hits album (hell, Mandy fucking Moore for fuck's sake has a "best of" CD), but still. A fourth album would convince the general public all the more that a break-up will still be at least another year or two away. Because we all know the day Girls Aloud cease to record together is the day pop music will officially die and drag everything down with it.

Alarming news. Hilary Duff aka Fake Teeth Too Big For My Face Chick has this new song out. It's called "Play With Fire" or some shit like that, and...I just have to confess. I rather like it. It's vaguely listenable. I feel so criminal and so vile for admitting to this, but I can't help it. Dammit. I'm a traitor to my generation.

And it's not just a phase.

It's everything I try to talk myself out of that is also everything I know is true. So maybe I should stop talking in the darker light to myself and begin to brighten my thoughts about this.

I began thinking tonight and I came to this-

I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him and I want him to hold me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and I want that to make him feel strong and secure. I don't want him to lose an ounce of his independence, his ferocity and his vivacious personality. Instead I want him to realize that those are the things that I love about him, and I want him to know that by giving me a part of himself and just letting me be his caretaker from time to time, he's not sacrificing those qualities. He's not sacrificing his independence by allowing me to be there for him.

And that's something I know I need to develop on. I've become so accustomed for so long to being independent, being on my own, not having to be there for a special person (obviously friends are an exception, but you get the differences there). I'll admit it's a struggle to allow MYSELF to hand patience and comfort over to someone, and especially to allow another person to do the same to me.

But you know what, I think I'm finally ready. If we're going to let his busy schedule get in the way of developing a relationship, then how the fuck are we going to combat it when I go back to school in just two weeks?

I don't care, I just want this to finally go somewhere, and I want us to give it honest effort this time. I don't care what happens, but I want it to be truthful.

Didn't feel so perfect.

Under normal circumstances, I would be kicking myself for completely going against what I said I wouldn't do.

But these aren't normal circumstances. So in this case, I figure 'what the hell?' Go out with your balls out and we'll see what comes of this.

Last night Kristen, Matthew and I rendezvous'ed over at Pei Wei for dinner. After eating we walked around the shopping center, and WHO of all people did we walk right by?

Frank.

Yep.

Frank.

That was unbelievably awkward, hilarious though because we were just talking about his dirty skank ass. He said hi to Kristen, to which Matthew replied "Why the hell would you say hi to us?" Amusing, absolutely.

Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart in Canyon Country, and....I got lost. Matthew bought cubbies for his shoes while Kristen and I made fun of him over it. Matthew took Kristen home, and I followed him back to his house, but we ended up going out AGAIN to meet his friends Paul and Martha at BJ's.

All in all an entertaining evening, albeit one of interesting outcomes. Still not sure how I feel about it, but I won't get my nickers in a twist. Enjoy it for now and let it go where it goes, I suppose.

Let's begin.

Number one-

There are certain things that seem to fly over your head regarding a few situations. The one of primary annoyance to me at this time is your inability to let this whole fiasco down easily.

Here's what I don't understand. You tell me you have feelings for me, you tell me I'm the one that is just right for you, you tell me you've waited so long yada yada crap crap crap, and when we FINALLY get the chance to test these waters, it fizzles faster than you can say "shotgun wedding".

Not that I'm bitter or resentful, because I'm not. So why do you feel the need to express annoyance at how UNannoyed I am with this outcome? Sure, I was disappointed, but I knew why we came to the decision and I felt the decision was a mature, thoughtful one. Our timing just is not right, and that's how it goes sometimes. What's the use in putting myself into anemia over this when I know deep down it's not going to work at this moment?

So to sum this entire rant up, here's what I have to say: You can't expect me nor want me to continue having feelings for you and continue wanting you if you know yourself that it won't work out. I don't play like that. I don't waste my time crying over someone that I know I can't be with for whatever circumstances, and I don't expect the other person to do the same. Considering HOW much time I've spent wondering if something could happen between us, I'd say this solution is fair game.

Three years I've spent wishing you were mine. Three years I've spent regretting the decision I made in the VERY beginning when I had the full-fledged opportunity to MAKE you mine. Three years I've spent hoping that the friendship we've built up would be the perfect foundation for the perfect relationship.

In no way do I want you to be any less a part of my life. But I will not feel guilty if I meet someone new in the future or if I'm just plain all right with the fact that our attempts at dating were unsuccessful.

I'm sorry, but I don't have another three years left in me. That's all I can do, and all I am willing to do.

Beyonce...she continues crashing...

Here's what happens when someone very young, not all that experienced though talented as she is, is given too much praise and freedom far too soon. After becoming the bootylicious dictator of Destiny's Child and then saying "see ya bitches" to strike it on her own, Ms. Knowles became the unofficial president of the world almost instantly. But with Dangerously In Love, she had good reasons to be so insanely popular- she had some cracking good singles (namely "Crazy In Love", but the others were just as delicious). But lately, the B has been slacking off. Earlier this year she unleashed "Check On It"- not surprisingly a huge hit, if not the most irritating single of 2006 by far. Now she's trying to get our attention with "Deja Vu", and it's floundering on the charts. This week it slipped to No.32 down from No.30, no doubt due to that what the fuck of a video. Honestly. Who told Beyonce that dancing like a psychotic spasmic freak of nature was a brilliant idea? Not ot mention the song is devoid of any remotely interesting hooks or a chorus. Lazy is what I call it. Just lazy. She applied herself on "Crazy In Love", determined to keep up with that groove and those horns before they ran her over and smashed that beautiful face into the asphault. "Deja Vu" is a lackluster attempting-to-be-funky-but-really-just-dull exercise in overhauled funk and bass crap. Bah. I'm thoroughly disappointed. Even the new Christina Aguilera single is better, and for me to admit that is indeed a huge problem.

What the hell?

I try to log in to Myspace today, and they're saying my account's been deleted???


Uhhhhh...noooooooo?

UPDATE: Nevermind. It's working haha.

I found this just now. It's interesting, because when I finished reading it I realized just how true it was. I'm sure it's obvious who the Gemini is:

Cancer and Gemini

Lively Gemini and sensual Cancer are often attracted to each other, but deep down there's little in common. One of the key points of attraction is the lively Geminian wit and great sense of humour, but sadly the Twins have a habit of playing games with love that will soon wound your sensitive feelings. The scatty, flirtatious behaviour so characteristic of the Twins will soon make you feel very insecure, so an affair is likely to be quite volatile. Sensual Cancer, a Water Sign. is ruled by the changing Moon, while chatty Gemini, an Air Sign, is ruled by communicative Mercury. Mercury is optimistic, outward-looking and communicative, but can be critical and cutting, while the Moon is nurturing, inward-looking and growth-oriented, but changeable and moody.

You'll need to develop mutual goals and work together on projects that you can share, so that the energies can be put to work instead of degenerating into jealousy and restlessness. If you can find a common goal, Gemini's remarkable social networking skills and lively command of language can be a fantastic asset, while your command of financial matters and ability to focus beyond the moment will keep the Twins on track and functional. This relationship is not going to be easy, but if you make the effort, it will be rewarding. Sexually you are intense and deeply emotional, while Gemini tends to get bored easily and is rarely in it for the long haul. Gemini has a deliciously light touch and initially finds your sensuality and romantic imagination intriguing, but basically the Twins are rather too shallow and too superficial to please you for long.

Do you have enough in common for a long-term relationship? You seek security and domesticity, but Gemini hates being tied down. Can you endure the constant round of parties, the restlessness and the gossip line - not to mention the execrable taste in clothes? Only if there are excellent compensating aspects between Moon and other chart factors should you expect this match to endure much past the initial sexual attraction.



So can we talk about how much that hit it on the head? Seriously. Perfectly explains everything I, as the Cancer, was feeling about him, as the Gemini.

There's a part of me that truly is disappointed that our opportunities were not taken advantage of, that we didn't just take what was there and ran with it, no matter what the outcome. That's the romantic side of me.

The practical side of me is thankful things concluded when they did, thankful that we maintained balance and ultimately discovered it was not the right circumstance. I don't think about you as much as I used to, and though I smile every time I talk with you, laugh at everything you say, it's not the smile or the laugh that I used to have around you. And that makes me feel somewhat relieved and somewhat defeated all at once.

Better hop in the shower. My grandparents are coming soon to take me to lunch for my birthday, then I'll see what Ms. Brittany is doing. I think we need some good old bonding, just me and her. We haven't done that in a while.

Music blog numero 1.

Every now and then I'll do a little rant or commentary or whatever the Jesus you want to call it on music. I have to practice for when I'm running my own witty, sarcastic music magazine.

Here are some new songs currently making the waves.

Justin Timberlake "SexyBack"
"You see these shackles, baby?" Justin inquires within this song. The only shackles I'm seeing are the ones clamped down on any possibility of an 'N Sync reunion, for judging by this material it looks like the rest of the guys will be popping a squat in JT's shadow for many albums to come. I'm thinking JC Chasez is probably annoyed that the sounds on his ignored-for-shit album "Schizophrenic" have been essentially ripped off here on "SexyBack"- that whole hip-hop meets dirty electro, complete with naughty quips like "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave". No doubt a huge hit on our hands here, and as long as Justin appears half naked in the video, I'll be sound as a pound.

Fergie "London Bridges"
The results of a sad plastic surgeon's joke gone terribly wrong. The woman who feigned a Jamaican accent on a few Black Eyed Peas tunes and pissed her trousers onstage suddenly woke up one morning and thought, "Hmm, this sounds like a jolly day to ditch my money-makers and strike it rich all by my weasly self!" Upon which the world closed their doors in her over-operated face and kindly said "No thank you".

Bananarama "Look On the Floor (Hypnotic Tango)"
Only in the 20th century can a wretched '80s group go from having their best-known song licensed for a Venus razor ad to suddenly having the No.2 club hit in America. Of course it won't cross to the pop charts, we ARE Americans, after all, but it's nice to know that drag queens and club kids from Boston to San Diego will be jumping around to these 30-year-old tarts.

Cassie "Me & U"
Sounds like Aaliyah's younger cousin doing a lesser version of "Try Again". One hell of a keyboard twinkle also. Sounds like I may have found my guilty R&B pleasure of the season.

As you can see, a rather interesting mix of tunes this summer. All I can say is pop is surely making a comeback, and thank Allah for that.

I spilled my milk.

I guess it's typical to feel this way, but each day I wake up itching.

The itching hasn't stopped, as much as I've tried to convince myself that things are fine and they will work out on their own.

As much as I tell myself that, I can't stop itching. I want to jump out, I want to cut loose, I want to drive somewhere I've never been before.

I want to see new faces, meet new souls, get some new thrills.

Seems like lately I haven't been satisfied. I love the people I know already, I'm thankful for what I have, but does my glass only look half full? What is it that I'm missing?

I'm missing freedom. I'm missing living in the moment. I wish I could find them, because I know this is the time in my life where I should be embracing them the most. Pretty soon it'll be too late, and my regrets will be far and wide.

Pickles.

A few things.

A. My birthday dinner was a blast. Had a fantastic time. Loved it.

B. Work is going quite well. I'm enjoying it.

C. Tigerheat tonight- yeeeeeeeeah.

D. This really gets under my skin. Spencer replied to a bulletin I posted yesterday about how much fun we had at BJ's, and he said "Glad I was invited".

...

That really irks me. When was the last time Spencer and I hung out? Honestly, I can't remember. When was the last time we called each other? Well the only time in recent memory that I can recall that he called me was to ask if I knew of any parties to go to and if he could go along with me. Wow, thanks. And on my birthday, did he even call me to say happy birthday? And he expected to be invited to my birthday dinner?

It's not that I have anything against Spencer, because I don't. But we're not exactly the best of friends anymore. It's not that I dislike him, but we simply don't hang out or talk that much anymore. My birthday dinner was with people that I consider to be my closest friends, and frankly he's not on that level with me anymore. He's got his own friends, his own life, I've got my friends and my own life, and that's fine and dandy. Besides, I know he's only disappointed that he wasn't invited because it was a big gathering that he was left out on. He wouldn't have gone because it was MY birthday, he probably just wanted to come hang out with a bunch of people. And he's not even really friends with anyone that was there. He's friends with Brittany, he's sort of friends with Stephanie, and he knows Leslie, Lauren, Amanda, but they don't exactly like him. They don't dislike him, but they've never gotten to know him all that well and they haven't particularly been fond of him for the past few years from what they DO know of him. So even if I did invite him, he wouldn't have exactly fit in.

That's just irritating. It's not like it was just a random hang-out, it was for my birthday, and I wanted people that I am close to. And I'm just not close to Spencer anymore. He should understand that and not get all butt-hurt just because he wanted to be included on something.

The last two hours...

Down to my last two hours as a teenager. I've always felt birthdays were special. Some people don't really bother with them, and that's fine and dandy. But I'm always going to do plan something for each birthday I have. What's not special about getting a year older? Twelve months may not seem like much, but considering that's 365 days that you've had to change and to grow, it's something that deserves special recognition. If anything, your birthday is your chance to toast to another year of accomplishing things you didn't accomplish the previous age.

Being 19, admittedly, was not one of my best ages. I felt like I regressed rather than progressed. Yet on the brink of turning 20, I feel I know and understand myself far more than I did when I turned 19. I have a stronger idea of where my feelings come from and why, and I'm anxious to further my boundaries and continue pushing my limits.

On that note, let me say this- having your power shut off and not returning for 14 hours in the middle of summer is not pleasant. It was miserable, to say the least.

TOMORROW'S MY BIRTHDAY.