Hi everyone

And by everyone I mean Melissa and Brittany since they are the only ones who read it.

I'm doing really good right now. In spite of everything that happened last week with my family and all, I think it's going to have a good outcome. My dad's making good progress, so that's always a plus. But overall I'm just feeling really good about life and about myself.

I decided I'm not going to COC next semester. Instead I'm going to go to Pierce. Why? Mostly because I feel like maybe a reason why COC is dragging on for me is because I'm just truly sick of going there. Maybe being at a new campus and seeing some new faces and realizing "Okay, I have to drive a bit farther to get to school and with the way gas is I can't go back and forth to home or hanging out with friends between classes" so I won't be tempted to just not go to class, that might be a better pick.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm registering in the fall for Pierce, and then I should be at CSUN next fall. I'm excited.

I'm ready for this summer to be good. It didn't start off very well for me, so let's cut to the good times eh?

Basically

Brittany and I are awesome.

We might be single, but we're still awesome. We might not have had the best luck in love, but we're still awesome. We're funny, we're peppy, we're smart, and we're hot.

Don't you eva forget that.

Guess what

I'm keeping control of the knife...

'Cos I'm not your darling.

Is it keeping you cold in the nights?

'Cos honey, you're starving.

Because I'm bitter at the moment.

I know I said I was over it, I'm trying to not get upset over it- BUT I'm only human.

WHY did I go look at Brandon's Myspace? I already saw the pictures of him and Lucas, especially the one where Brandon kisses him on the cheek (FUNNY THING IS, BRANDON AND I TOOK AN EXACT SAME PICTURE WHEN WE WENT TO THE ZOO LAST YEAR. Fuck that), but actually SEEING on his Myspace "In a Relationship" really just put the knife in my heart today.

I fucking hate this. It's not that I have feelings for Brandon anymore- I'm positive I don't- but it's just the feeling that I've been replaced, that he's found something better than me. Which is perfectly natural, and eventually I'll be doing the same thing, but for the time being it pretty much makes me want to die and makes me feel like an inadequate piece of shit.

Maybe I should temporarily delete him as my friend, just until I know for sure that I won't be affected by looking at his page. Then when I am for sure completely positively over it, we'll see about being friends again. I think for now though, I just can't have the accessability to look at his new life.

Been a while...

So it's been 2 months since I've last updated. What's been going on?

Continued onslaught of work and school. Definitely knuckling down on school because I am sick to death of COC and want to actually move on with my life. I should for certain be transferring to CSUN in spring '09, I see no reason as to why I won't be able to (unless some mutant dog eats my homework consecutively for all of my classes this semester, during summer school and fall semester, therefore plummeting my GPA to irreparable levels).

Highly unlikely.

I am unbelievably excited for July 25. Why?

BECAUSE THE SEQUEL TO "THE X-FILES" MOVIE IS COMING OUT.
Uh...yeah. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are returning as Mulder and Scully, obviously, and it's just going to be amazing.

In other interesting developments, last night I hung out with Brandon after work (random, I know), and I finally came to the conclusion that I really am over him. Not that it was bad or anything, and not that I dislike him or anything, because I definitely don't, but I realized how much he's changed since I met him last year and how he's really not the right one for me. For one, I guess he's started smoking cigarettes again on a regular basis (which was something he had quit doing prior to us dating), so that was a big turn-off. And plus he's really been going out and partying a lot more, which is whatever- he's young and if he's enjoying himself then more power to him. But, that's not really what I want. I want someone who's mature, someone who's kind of outgrown the whole party phase. Nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, but not necessarily to the extent that I've heard of Brandon's partying. It's just not what I want at this point in my life, I want something more low-key and more in tune with my lifestyle, because I'm NOT a partier by any stretch.

I get drunk after 3 or 4 drinks- come on, does that sound ANYTHING like a partier?

So it was actually very gratifying when I came home last night after dropping him off and realized that I don't want him back anymore. I'll still look back on our relationship and think about the good times, but it's in the past. I'm officially ready to move on, and that's a relief.

Valentine's Day

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which really isn't that big of a deal to me. First of all, I've never been dating someone on Valentine's Day (Brandon and I met about a week after last year's Valentine's Day), so I can't really say it's something I "miss". I don't flat-out hate it either. I'm just kind of indifferent to it. Brittany and I are hanging out tomorrow night with some friends, so I don't mind Valentine's Day when I get to have a good time with people. I think that's more productive than just sitting around talking about how much it sucks. Valentine's Day only sucks if you let it get to you. All the same, even if I was dating someone I don't think Valentine's Day would be that big of a deal for me, unless it was a special day like an anniversary. My parents got married on Valentine's Day, so to them it's always going to be a special day and I'm happy for them because of that. But if I did have a boyfriend, I'd rather celebrate a day that's special to us instead of Valentine's Day which everyone says we're SUPPOSED to celebrate when in reality I could give a shit.

I don't know. I guess I'm just as guilty of jumping on the bandwagon because I'm talking about it, but really I'm not in either camp of the I hate/I love Valentine's Day battle. I just don't care either way.

In any case, I'm certainly not going to let this day make me feel like crap. So I'm single, so I've been nursing a broken heart for the past two months. Happens to everyone at some point (or multiple points) in their lives. I'm no exception, so to me it's just going to be another day.

Thank God...

for last night. I realized how badly I needed a night like last night, to just hang out with a group of friends and act stupid and just have a good time. Vincenzo's was a blast, and then we all went to Jon's and hung out. I played all of Aladdin on Super Nintendo in about 20 minutes- everyone thought it was funny that I beat it so fast- and then we watched "Superbad", and then me, Kenna, Annie and Pappas had a dance-off which was quite hilarious. Overall, a good night. Really glad I got the chance to do that, because I really did need it. I've been so down and out lately. I'm glad I'm going back to school tomorrow, because I know keeping busy with that instead of just working and then sitting around doing nothing when I'm not at work will help take my mind off of everything that's been bothering me. So hopefully things will start getting better in the next month or so.

I am so sick...

of being depressed. Looking back on it, it hasn't just been since Brandon broke up with me that I've been depressed. I haven't felt like myself since at least late September, or October. I'm just tired of it. I tell myself each and every day the things I have to be grateful for, but still it seems like my life over the past three or four months has been so...blah. Especially when the first six months of 2007 were the happiest I had been in such a long time. Everything felt so alive, so exciting, I was in love, I felt like my life was going the right direction. Now I feel like I'm not only right back to square one, but I'm in worse shape than I was before 2007 began. I just wish these feelings would go away, I'm so sick of it.

More stuff.

For starters, my brother's best friend was killed yesterday in a motorcycle crash, and he died in my brother's arms. I can't imagine how horrible this whole thing must be for him. My brother's locked himself up at his girlfriend's house since then, but hopefully he'll come home sometime this week so I can get a chance to see him.

I'm hanging out with this guy on Friday. His name's Freddie (which is a cute name- though it's kind of weird because my grandpa's name is Fred, one of my grandpa's brother's name is Fred, my great-grandfather's name was Fred...I don't know I always find it weird to meet someone that has the same name as someone in my family), and it's NOT a date. I'm not exactly ready to date yet, and I'm not too sure about the guy himself. He's a very cute guy from the pictures he's shown me, but...I don't know, there's something strange about him. We've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now, and he's really bad at maintaining a conversation in that medium. He's usually the one that texts me first, says hi, whats up, etc., I respond and ask him the same, he'll give me a one-lined answer, and then that'll be it. He won't respond again until the next day or so.

So that in itself is kind of strange.

Then out of nowhere he does the same thing last night, except actually manages to continually text me for a good hour, but STILL giving me only one-lined answers, and without asking for a response on my end. Eventually I just got bored with it and said I was going to go to bed, and then a few minutes later he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure, he said we'll talk more about it later. Today he texts me and we get the plans all arranged- we're going to hang on Friday night when he gets off work, we're going to see Cloverfield, he gave me his address so I can Mapquest it. So I'm thinking okay, cool, it at least gives me something to do.

So then he asks me if I can send him another picture of myself, so I do, just one of those cheesy camera-in-the-mirror face shots. Then he asks if I can send him a picture of myself shirtless. I don't really want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I'm hoping to hook up with him, and asking someone to see a shirtless picture kind of makes me feel like that's where he's leaning. He tells me it's not like that, he was just curious what my body looked like because in the face pic I sent him, I was wearing a wife beater and he said that I had "nice, toned shoulders". Random compliment, but hey I'll take it. So I say fine, I'll send him a harmless pic, no dropping the pants, just a picture of me in the mirror without a shirt. I warned him I'm hairy and haven't been to the gym in almost 7 months, so my body hasn't been looking its best lately. But he responded back and said I have a really nice body and he liked that it was kind of hairy.

I'm thinking to myself this entire time that he definitely is looking for a hook-up. Why else would you ask for a shirtless picture of someone that you're anticipating to hang out with if that's NOT what you're interested in? So I'm not sure how this is going to go down. Yes, he is extremely cute, but he hasn't exactly proved to be the most interesting person from our really pathetic text conversations, and if he tries to make a pass at me I'm going to tell him that I am definitely not looking for that. THEN to top it all off, he asked me if I could tell him how big my penis is.

...

Come on, that is a total red flag for hook-up interest. I told him that's something he doesn't need to know yet because we're not going to get to that point.

I think I ought to just cancel this thing altogether. I am really not looking for a hook-up right now, and Lord knows I would save gas money and money for the movie if I cancelled. I'll see what he says if he texts me later in the week and if he's still asking me questions like this, then I'm going to tell him I can't hang out with him.

This is what I hate about being single, is that I know for the next who-knows-how-long, I'm going to meet guys that are going to be so not what I'm looking for. Which obviously is what makes meeting that right person so special in the first place, but still- the process of going through a bunch of annoying dates to get to the person that you actually fall in love with is an irritating process. HJHfsdukhfsdjh fkjlsdh fsdjkghfuiohg djk. Is how I feel about that.

This is a really long entry, but I am bored at work and so I feel like rambling on a bit. Although now I have nothing to ramble about, so I suppose I'm done for now.

Don't keep me under surveillance

San Francisco in four days.

School starts in two weeks.

Planning Las Vegas for spring break.

Visiting Humboldt this summer.

Kauai with the family this summer.

2008 is going to be one busy year. Which is exactly what I need. I need to get away and take my mind off of things. I wish I didn't still think about him every minute. I'm past the point of crying about it, but there's still that longing that I feel, that feeling that one day he'll realize just how much I care for him and how good I am for him, and he'll come back to me. It won't happen, I knoww, but it's a feeling I can't help nonetheless.

Breaking up is so shitty. It almost makes me not want to get into another relationship. Which is a childish thing to say.

I've decided

I've decided that the time has come for me to step out of my comfort zone and make something interesting and rewarding out of my life. I realized the other night after having another self-pity party that right now, there's nothing holding me back here. There's nothing left for me here right now. I have my closest friends, of course, who will always be there, I have my family, also, and they will always be there. But there is no urgent need for me to stay right now. If anything, they probably want me to get up and get out and explore the world, for they understand how intelligent and how passionate I am, and they want to see me pursue those endeavors. They know my desires to travel and pursue my interests in history and in the world, and they want me to have the chance to do those things now, when the time is right and when I have the freedom to do them.

I've finally reached the point where I'm done holding back. I've realized that the reason I've been holding back, the reason I've been maintaining the status quo ever since graduation is because I've been scared. I've been scared of moving on, of placing myself in new and uncomfortable settings. But that's part of growing up, of gaining experience, of building up character. The other night when I was thinking about all this was finally my epiphany. I don't need to stay here anymore. Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I'm no longer finding excuses or reasons to stay behind while others move forward with their lives. I have to move forward as well.

So I've decided within the year I'm going to find some program where I can study abroad. Preferrably in Europe, of course, because I've always felt somewhat European at heart my entire life. Bizarre as that might sound. I feel going to Europe will truly develop my character and I'll truly discover who I am there. I'd prefer Spain, because the language barrier wouldn't be as difficult since I already speak a good amount of Spanish. I'd also like France, and the UK has always been a dreamhome of mine. Any of these places.

But I'm serious about this. Dead, 100% serious. I'm going to step up, I'm going to go for this, I'm going to work for this. I have to do it. Now is my chance.

New Year.

Wow, this is weird....it's the second new year post I've done in this blogger thing. It's just weird to think about how much things change within the span of a couple of years. From when I started this blog in July 2006, and here we are in January 2008. So much has happened, but I guess the most rewarding thing is that I truly do feel comfortable with myself. Even if things in my life aren't the way I want them to be, I at least know my own mind what it is I want, which is a large accomplishment for me considering I've spent many years feeling the exact opposite. It's all part of growing up, I suppose. It's interesting actually feeling like an adult though. Or at least starting to feel like an adult.

That's all I really have patience for writing right now. I'll return and discuss more of what's going on with me.

On my mind.

Some things that are on my mind right now-

So I'm not depressed, as I thought I might have been a week ago. I was actually more worried that I was STARTING to get depressed as opposed to actually BEING depressed. I can't think of a time when I was truly depressed, because I normally kick myself in the ass when I feel like I'm being a pathetic asshole. So anytime I've started to feel overly mopey and overly sorry for myself, to the point where it's just childish and no longer acceptable, I've always given myself a good punch (metaphorically...I don't actually beat myself in the head) and told myself it's time to get the fuck over it.

So when I consider the reality of things, I'm really not all that off the mark. I'm a 21-year-old who's been in junior college for over a year longer than he should've been who would rather read a Marie Anotinette biography than go drinking at some frat bar and is still in love with his boyfriend that broke up with him two weeks ago. Really, am I that bad off? Everyone's been in the same boat I'm currently in, everyone's had their heart broken and everyone's loved someone that didn't love them back. And you know what? The world keeps on turning.

The good thing is, I guess if there can be a good thing from all of this, that Brandon understands I'm still in love with him and though it's a bit uncomfortable when we're trying to establish a strictly platonic relationship, he knows I just have to give myself time to get over him and he doesn't think I'm a pathetic baby because of it. So I guess that's a good thing, because he could always be an ass about it and just tell me I'm creeping him out and to leave him alone, but this shows that he does still care and I do still play an important role in his life, even if he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Then the big question is, once again- are things really that bad? From what I've learned these past two weeks- no. And will things get better? Well, around this time last year I thought I would never find a suitable boyfriend and I'd be single until God knows when, and guess what- I ended up having a boyfriend for pretty much most of 2007. So what does that prove? That proves that hey, good things will happen when you least expect it. So instead of whining and being a baby about everything, just go out there, live your life, do your thing, and good things will come your way.

Music rant!!!!

It's been a while since I've discussed one of my favorite topics- music. So here we go.

Number one- the Backstreet Boys. Yes, they're still around, still making music...does anyone care? Not particularly. I don't know what it will take to make these guys think that nobody is interested anymore in middle-aged dudes who have not exactly aged gracefully (come on, between them and 'N Sync, the Backstreets were never the better-looking) and they generally are still putting out the same type of music that they made 10 years ago- i.e. boring ballads.

Number two- the Spice Girls. WHAT IS THIS 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So as you MAY have heard, the Spice Girls reunited and are currently on a fairly massive world tour which apparently is going quite well. Musically, not so much. Their "comeback" single (and we use that term loosely), "Headlines", flopped quite terribly on the UK charts, meaning that it wasn't some gigantic number 1 hit. Their greatest hits CD "only" reached number 2 on the UK charts and is currently being sold only through Victoria's Secret right now in the United States. Being that the Spice Girls were never as popular here as they were across the Atlantic, though they were fairly massive nonetheless, I doubt their CD is going to cause much sensation in this country.

Number three- Girls Aloud. Oh I'm sorry, their new album Tangled Up is only the most amazing thing to smack pop music right in the face this year. It's been out for over a month and I still can't get over it.

That's all I can muster up for now.

BjklfhsdjfhsdjHfjk

I am tiiiiiired of being at wooooooork. Worked until 11 last night, came back at 8 this morning. Thank Allah I'm off the next two days.

So here's what my schedule is for the next couple of weeks-

Tuesday: Finals
Wednesday: End of Finals!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: WORK AGAIN
Sunday: DAMMIT WORK!!!!
Monday: FREAKIN' A- WORK WORK WORK
Tuesday: No work thank God, my grandparents are coming over to start making tamales for Christmas. Uh, chyea, super excited.
Wednesday: DISNEYLAND!!!!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: Christmas Dinner!
Sunday: Work
Monday: NO WORK IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Tuesday: Christmas Day...sadly I work for a few hours, but afterwards I'm heading to the Oliphants' and Brittany and I are going to Wii it up hardcore.

Sounds good. Fingers crossed that my car will be done and I'll get it back today. It's been five days. :(

Here's what I've decided.

I've made a decision.

As of Dec. 8, 2007, Mark is officially on a complete break from guys.

It's not anything out of bitterness, but I've realized that, even though before I met Brandon I was single for three years, in reality I haven't been completely uninvolved with guys for anything longer than maybe two or three months. Because in some way or other, I've still talked to guys, still gone on occassional dates, and you know what- I think I'm kind of over it for now.

I've only been single for a week so I'm not going to jump into anything anytime soon. And obviously, if I do jump into anything soon all I'm going to do is think about how he's not Brandon and constantly compare him to Brandon (since I still have feelings for Brandon, obviously). So either way it's just not going to work.

Plus, I really need to get myself to understand that you don't HAVE to have some type of guy interest to be happy, whether it be a boyfriend or a flirt or an occassional hook-up. I need to focus on my friends, focus on my family, focus on ME, focus on school, focus on work, focus on doing the things I want and just letting everything else fall into place.

So with that said, I guess I'm just continuing down the path to finding myself. I'm in a position I certainly wasn't expecting myself to be, I was expecting to still have a boyfriend and to be working with that. But plans change, so you just have to adapt and let life take you where it will.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, on a different note, that my grandparents are coming sometime this week and we're going to start making tamales, so I'll be able to have some to bring for the Christmas dinner. I know you all are excited.

Okay, so....

I like Christmas music and all...but I'm sick of hearing 50 VERSIONS OF THE SAME SONG!!!! They're playing Christmas music at my work and I'm already getting tired of it. Also, I don't like poppy versions of Christmas songs. To me, they're just annoying. I like choral versions of Christmas songs, nice, pretty, classical, etc. Not Jessica Simpson or Destiny's Child bullshit singing "Jingle Bells". Give me Charlotte Church singing some operatic version of "O Holy Night", and I'm fine with that. Even though Charlotte Church is a cunt. Haha.

Better.

Things are slowly getting better. It's still only been four days, but today is the first day where I haven't cried and overall I feel more hopeful than I have these past few days.

I went over and visited him for a little bit last night, and I think that did exactly what I hoped it would. I think a big part of my sadness was the fact that I went from seeing him or at least talking to him every single day for 9 months straight, to after one night having no communication with him at all. So I texted him and asked him if I'd be able to talk to him after he got off work, and he said that'd be fine. So I went over, we asked each other how we were doing. It seems like we're both in the same place, we were both upset and having a hard time coping with it, but he seemed like he was starting to get to the healing point, which is where I feel like I am right now. It was a little awkward, we both admitted, but we sort of laughed about it, and we both agreed that we'll eventually be comfortable with each other.

That really made me feel good, seeing him and knowing that everything really is going to be fine between us. It's like I've been telling everyone- there aren't hard feelings at all. I'm not angry with him, I'm not scornful, I'm not bitter. I was upset these past few days because this was my first serious relationship and I truly do care about him and love him, but I know he had his reasons for making this decision. I want him to do what he feels is best for him, even if that means sacrificing some of my happiness. Because you don't want to be with someone that isn't completely sure of being with you, right? Right. I know he cares about me and it does provide a lot of comfort that he wants to continue being part of my life.

So, in conclusion, everything is slowly but surely starting to get better. Like I said, no tears today, so hopefully that continues. :) I'm hopeful for the future, and I know eventually I'll meet someone new and this experience has only made me understand more of what I'm looking for and what I want in a relationship.

In other news, I'm extremely excited for the Christmas dinner and for Disneyland. Another thing about last night, Brandon had said that he had put down he wasn't sure if he'd go to the dinner just because he didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me, and I'd like it if he still went, so that should be fun. But yes, Christmas dinner and Disneyland. Should be uber-fun.

I guess that's that.

After nine months and twelve days, Brandon and I are officially over. I don't quite know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions I'm feeling- anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and in a strange way maybe relief and understanding?

I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.

The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?

I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.

I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.

I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.

And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.

I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.

I have no regrets.

Thoughts.

I've been doing perhaps an unecessary amount of reflecting lately, but I feel like I've gotten myself into such an unattractive rut that going back and finding the source of it all is the best option. Thank God for Livejournal, seriously, because I've realized that since I started it back in the summer of 2003, it's been probably the only place where I can get an accurate view of how my life was and how I was personally during any given period of time. So in my down-time, I've been flipping through the archives of my original Livejournal account and my current account, and it's been interesting just seeing where my head was at and how things were going.

Senior year in particular was such a bizarre time for me. I felt like when I was a junior everything was so new and exciting, like that was really my first year where I began to grow up. I had my first romance (that wasn't with a girl and could therefore constitute itself as legit), I had my license, my car, first job, and really was the first time I felt independent and could do (for the most part, parents' curfew notwithstanding) what I wanted. But by senior year a lot of that naive luster had rubbed off, and my outlook became more cynical. My peers were annoying, my mom was trying to make my life miserable, I was single for pretty much the entire year which translated into I'm unattractive and alone- just really petty, typical teenage angst bullshit that I allowed myself to get caught up in.

And of course, it's only when you've removed yourself from it and you look back that you realize just how dumb you were. I started so many stupid fights, allowed myself to get mixed up in the gossip and politics of being a vapid, stupid high school student living in Santa Clarita, when in reality I should have just not given a fuck, had fun, enjoyed my friends, and ridden it all out as happily as possible. Overall, I really did enjoy high school. I look back on it with fond memories, and all the drama just sort of becomes funny and adds to those memories.

In reality, I had a great group of friends in high school. They weren't shallow, they didn't stress over popularity or cliques, they understood me and could relate to me in my quest to just do what I want and not care about what others thought. And sure, we were all stupid and all had our dumb teenage moments (because we were teenagers, oddly enough), but when it boiled down to the core, we were all a pretty unique breed of teenager. We were sure of ourselves, for the most part, and we didn't need to subject ourselves to the trite shit that our classmates were doing. While you were hanging out at the mall buying up racks of Hollister or Abercrombie, we were using Brittany Oliphant's video camera to make movies where we just ran around screaming, tackling each other, and using five or six different accents in a five-minute span. While you were going off to Nike Base in your boyfriend's lifted truck smoking out or making out, we were having motorhome parties on the way to Disneyland. While you were having sleepovers and talking shit about this bitch or that bitch and then making Myspace posts about it, we were taking pictures of ourselves making ugly faces and making Myspace posts about THAT.



The point was, we knew how to have fun in our own way and didn't feel the need to do shit that would eventually turn us into the skanky soccer moms and wannabe-bro dads that populate this fucking town. I think, even in the face of all the drama that might have happened and the times when we DID act like typical teenagers, our experiences together and our ability to just let loose and be ourselves has made us richer and stronger than anyone else we went to high school with. I really want all my friends to know just how much of an impact they had on me, and how much they helped me get to where I am now, because I feel more assured of myself and more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have before. I owe a huge part of it to my friends, for encouraging me and dragging me out of my shell to become who I am today.