Novemberrrrr.

Well, it's finally November. I can't believe how quickly 2007 has passed by; then again that's exactly what I thought about 2006 and 2005, so I suppose that's just the way life is. Still, it only seems like the other day when we were partying and ringing in the new year at Annie's house...while Sean Lay was puking his guts out in her bathroom...and then a month and a half later I met Brandon and everything changed. I know it sounds cliche to say that he changed my life, but he really did. Looking back at how I felt, how I thought a year before that, I can see a complete difference. I don't know, I just feel more...peaceful, maybe? Maybe more at ease with myself? I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the way I feel now more than before.

So this Saturday will be one year since my aunt passed away. The past few days I've been thinking a lot about it, about how crazy everything was this exact time last year, and I think it just adds to the feeling that things have changed and gone for the better, knowing that even though it still hurts my family has learned to recover and to grow from all of this. The other night at dinner my mom was talking about the day she died and how she found out about it, so obviously she's healed a lot since she's able to talk about it now. Everything always works out, and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that.

Call the Shots

Call the Shots
Static tone on the phone here I'm stuck and alone
Can't make progress anymore
Yes I've tried to mold you and I've failed again
Should leave this on the floor

I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart, no
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

All the fire that burnt so brightly in the beginning
We can't keep trying to make it come back, as much as I'm wishing

I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

I've seen our time glow, seen it shimmer
Then fade like starlight to a glimmer
You see my eyes they're getting dimmer
I hold on to those dreams that glitter

Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time

9/30/07

Last day of September, and tomorrow begins yet another crazy October. I always get so busy in October, but it's all in good fun.

So it's been a fun weekend. Ended up not going to Vegas, but I've had four days off work and school and believe me, it's been much needed. Let's re-cap--

Wednedsay:
Work, then out for sushi with Brandon and Brittany, then over to Brittany's with Stephanie and Candice to watch America's Next Top Model and Ghost Hunters, and we got to meet Brittany's cousins.
Thursday:
Went to lunch and cruised the mall and Barnes & Noble with my grandparents, then read a bit of my new Marie Antoinette book before going to Brittany's house with Brandon to pick up Kenna and Tory from the airport.
Friday:
Ran some errands, picked up Brandon and we lunched at the Abbey Lane cafe over in Stevenson Ranch- very good, very nice little place. It's my second favorite now in SCV after Wild Thyme. Then Brandon got called into work for a couple of hours, so I went and got Brittany and then we picked him up from work and went to Odyssey Night at Magic Mt. It was pretty fun...Brandon and I held hands around the park, hehe. I've always wanted to just walk around and hold my boyfriend's hand and not think anything of it, so I'm glad that he didn't care for just one night. Sadly there was some tension when we met up with Tamara and a couple of her friends. But oh well, I guess it just shows her true colors and that Brittany doesn't need someone who's all over the place and confused.
Saturday:
Brandon and I got up very early to go to this street art fair in Newhall so he could get extra credit for his art class. It was cool, and I even participated in some of the drawing. Then we took my brother to his bowling practice, where Brandon got to meet my grandparents. After we dropped him at home, we went to Brittany's where there was a big family party going on, which are always fun. Then took Pappas and Brandon to work, then came back and we watched The Lion King in the motorhome. Afterwards we did some sidewalk chalk drawing, which was hilarious. Especially because of Bob's remarks about me and the porn hopscotch I drew. Oh goodness. Then we all went for some drinks at Friday's and it was a lot of fun.
Today:
I am doing laundry, catching up on some school reading, and being laaaazy. I'm sad I have to go back to work tomorrow.

That's it for now.

Maybe I need sleep.

I am so tired that I think it's causing my mind to run into overdrive. There's just so much that I'm thinking about. Everything from school and work and family to friends and Brandon.

School: School is stressful. Aaarrrrggghhhh. But oh well, I like school.

Work: Work is stressful. Aaaarrrrggghhhh. I hate how much sleep I lose because of this job.

Family: I wish I could spend more time with my mom. I feel like she hasn't been terribly happy lately, for some reason. I wish I could see if this is true. And I miss my grandparents so much...even though I saw them yesterday. I just miss seeing them every single day when I was younger and living with them. When they're around I feel like I can be a kid and they'll baby me and sometimes it's nice to be babied.

Friends: I love my friends to death. But for a while now I feel like I am looking for different things than a lot of them. It's really weird, that pretty much since I've turned 21 I have had little interest in drinking or partying, and I know most of my friends aren't out of control and I don't look down upon any of them, but I'm realizing more and more that it's just not my thing. Obviously I've gotten fairly drunk a few times recently and it's been in good fun, but the thing is I only want to keep it to a few times here and there. I can't do every weekend go to a party and throw back some drinks. I can't. And I'm not interested in hanging out somewhere where everyone's drunk and partying and I'm just not in the mood for it. I haven't been in the mood for it. I'd rather sit around and talk, laugh, or go out and play sports, or watch movies. I feel really torn about things because I want to enjoy being 21 and having fun, but I feel like I just want to do it in different ways, and not many people that I have in my life are into that as much as I am.

Brandon: I love him, and I'm happy with him, and there's nothing wrong there. Just sometimes I wonder if we're on the same page in terms of what we want out of each other. And this isn't the first time this thought has come up, so I know it's not something I can shake off but it's not something I should bring out when the past couple weeks it's been going so smoothly between us. I just have to continue thinking about why this keeps coming up and thinking about what it is I'm really looking for.

I wish I could sleep right now.

Poof.

Oh goodness. What a hectic couple of weeks it has been since I last updated. What with school starting and trying to adjust to this new schedule, it's at least been keeping me busy. Which was something that I was wishing for towards the end of the summer break.

So since I last updated, things have improved wonderfully between Brandon and myself. That talk that we had on that one Saturday night really did bring a lot of things to light, and it's good to see that we're both sticking to the things we discussed. In just two weeks it already feels like we've taken big steps forward, so that's good.

School is not bad...but then again it is only the first week. It's kind of interesting having night classes. I definitely like having work and THEN school, because I feel like I can unwind at school, I don't have to be in work-mode, and I enjoy being in class and being in the school mindframe. I'm finding that I'd rather end my day with school than with work.

Anyway, just trying to work a lot and save up some money. Having to pay for my classes and my books this semester was harder than I thought. Mostly because books are so fucking expensive. Brittany and I decided that we want to aim for moving out together in the beginning of 2008, so I'm trying to focus my finances on that. Going to Las Vegas a month from now for my stepdad's annual family reunion, so that's exciting considering I haven't actually gone out of town in a long time. Well, if you count going up north to see my aunt numerous times last fall, but that wasn't exactly a vacation obviously.

That is all for now.

Can we bring yesterday back around? Cos I know how I feel about you now

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the past nine hours. Brandon and I had a very serious argument/conversation last night, and we got a huge amount of feelings, thoughts, insecurities, and one pretty big confession out in the open. At the end of it, we both agreed that we were on a clean slate and it feels like things will be fine from here and much better than they have been recently.

There is still a small part of me that feels haunted by one of these things. I will stand by him, and we both want to move forward and continue growing, but as of right now I still can't completely shake it. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I won't let this be the end of our relationship, because we have come too far in such a short amount of time to let something that truly was a mistake bring this all to an end. I just need a few days to process this, and I'll be fine.

Still, I feel like crying. I keep thinking about the days when we first met and when everything was still so new between us, and how much fun we'd have and how exciting it was at the idea of new love. I know we can bring ourselves back to those days, but just for right now I feel vulnerable and a bit sad. I won't give up on him though, and I won't give up on us. We'll find the way back to the right path, and we'll continue going wherever and however long it takes us.

Just some lyrics about how I feel right now-
It was so easy that night
Shoulda been strong, yeah I lied
Nobody gets me like you do
I know everything changes
All the cities and faces
But I know how I feel about you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
All that it takes, one more chance
Don't let our last kiss be our last
Give me tonight, and I'll show you
I know everything changes,
I don't care where it takes us
'cause I know how I feel about you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
Not a day passed me by, not a day passed me by
When I don't think about you
And there's no moving on, 'cause I know you're the one
And I can't be without you
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now
Can we bring yesterday back around
'cause I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb I was wrong
I let you down (I let you down)
But I know how I feel about you now
But I know how I feel about you now
Yeah I know how I feel about you now

A couple of times lately I've wondered whether I should walk away from this, and last night for a small second I truly felt like I might lose him. And that feeling scared me and saddened me so much. But if it's not worth crying over, then is it really worth anything? We feel frustrated and we feel sad because we know that it's worth it.

Mark is such a good boyfriend.

Why, you ask? Because of the following reasons...

1. I'm coming by Brandon's mom's house once a day while they're out of town to feed and play with their dog and to water his mom's plants.

2. I just bought us tickets to see one of his favorite bands, the Tokyo Police Club, in October.

3. I'm going to buy him a very very expensive Christmas present.

So let this be a lesson to you all that you'd be lucky to date me. ;)

JOKING! I'll stop being a concieted asshole now.

You can stand under my umbrella. Bitch.

Just some thoughts. I'm really really tired so I'm kind of in a weird, goofy mood.

#1. I got to sleep over at Brandon's last night and I get to do it again tonight. Yay :)

#2. I've had this blog for over a year now...my first entry was like a day or two before my birthday last year. Time flies.

#3. I think I should be an umbrella for Halloween. That would be really funny. I'd make it extremely random and just what the fuck.

#4. I WANT A BEACH TRIP. We need to organize this.

#5. Brandon's kickback is tonight, and it should be fun. I hope a lot of his friends come, because I've only met/hung out with Cody and Britney. They're both really cool, especially Britney but I've hung out with her more than I have Cody, but I like Cody also. I'd really like to meet more of his friends. A couple of them have left comments on his Myspace or Facebook saying that they want to meet me, so I guess the feeling's mutual. We'll see.

#6. Last night after work I went to Albertson's to get some food and alcohol for the kickback before heading over to Brandon's, and my cousin Donnie was working. It was really funny. He was pretty surprised to see me buying a bottle of Jaegermeister (spelling?) and a bottle of Bailey's, I think because a) he forgets that I'm older than him, and b) he probably still thinks of me as a goody-goody nerdy kid from back in the day. But it was good seeing him.

Uh, I guess that's it.

Well

I guess every blog will just be about Brandon. Oh well, it happens.

Anyway, things have gotten better since I last updated. He seems to have returned to his same, silly old self...which I'm glad about. At my birthday party on Saturday he gave me a ring that had the date we first met inscribed on the inside, which is quite possibly the cutest gift I have ever recieved in my entire life. I definitely realize that a lot of my frustrations are self-inflicted and I have to stop myself from freaking out. I think a huge part of it is I'm a creature of habit. When certain things have happened to me before, I look for patterns to repeat themselves. So that's how I've been approaching a lot of things in my relationship with Brandon, when I have to realize he is a different person and what we have is unlike anything I've experienced before. He's not like the guys from my past, and that's something I have to be happy about.

We've been together for just over five months now and we're at the point where it's not completely lovey-dovey, that we have to work at it and have to truly figure each other out. I think we're doing an okay job, but it's just strange for me because I've never been in a relationship long enough for it to get to this point. But he's been patient with me and I appreciate that so much.

Anyway, Brittany and I were talking last week about having a beach trip, so that's something I would love to put together before summer is over. Maybe even BEACH CAMPING!!! Because I haven't been on any sort of trip this summer, other than Disneyland back in June. Hmmm, I shall attempt to set this up. Even if it ends up being just a day trip, it'd still be most fun.

Am I supposed to change, are you supposed to change?

Here's what scares me. My gut feeling.

Most people's gut feelings are right on a majority of occassions. Mine is no exception. Now that I look back on it, I realize that each of the times a guy has broken up with me, I could feel something beforehand. It happened with Spencer, it happened with Matt, who were the two boyfriends of mine that dumped me in the end.

I'm not saying I feel like it's going to happen with me and Brandon, but I definitely feel like something is off between us, ever since he returned from Canada. When he got back I was envisioning us being totally excited and thrilled to see each other again, and the first night he was back it definitely was.

Since then, however...not so much. It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been very warm. As a matter of fact it's felt cold. When we've been alone together these past couple of days, I don't know...it feels weird. I told him a couple of days ago that I think it's been different since he's been back, and he says nothing is wrong with him and everything is fine. I was moody a few times earlier this week and he said that's the only thing that he's noticed, but even on my birthday and yesterday when I was in a good mood I just felt like he wasn't really all there.

Last night I don't know why or how, but I just got really upset and just sat and cried to myself in bed. I kept thinking what happens if he does break up with me, and I kept thinking to myself that something just didn't feel right. It was my gut. My gut keeps telling me this, and I can't ignore it. He's at Magic Mountain today so I can't talk to him. I want to talk to him but I feel like since we already had a talk earlier this week about it, he might think I'm being overly emotional or paranoid.

I just want to know everything will be all right.

I'm yours.

I want to be the one you grow old with, the one you imagine your life with- because I want to grow old with you, too. I don't understand how or why this happened, all I know is I've found you and I'll fight with every weapon I've got to keep us together. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I lay in bed at night and imagine that I'm holding you 'til I finally drift asleep. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I can only talk about how much I want you to come home. And when I see you again, even after only a few days, I'll hug you and kiss you like we've been apart for years. You've got to believe this, because I believe in it. For the first time in my life I'm finally, completely, unquestionably sure of something- that we were brought together for a reason and that this will change both of our lives forever. You've already changed mine, because you make me realize what's important, you make me appreciate things that I just didn't take the time to see. When you tell me you love me, it makes me feel worthy and important, because only a person of great value should be loved by someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. How can it be that I haven't even known you half a year, and yet I feel completely confident picturing my future with you, because you've fit into my life so perfectly? I know this is real, and I know that you're the one.

Kind of sums how I feel...

At my place and I was on the phone
But it's you that I'll always call my home
In a world where the sun don't always shine
I can see tropicana in your eyes

When you're gone, my loneliness is real
Got your love to remind me how to feel
In my head I can see our long goodbye
You kiss my lips as I try to fix your tie

I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me
I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say

Cos dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call
Dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call

Please means more, I see you knocking at the door
Got it right in my place
Cos dreams means five and I'll be rocking on the floor
Can't you see it in my face?

Ugh..I miss him.

Stay up 'til four in the morning, and the tears are pouring, and I want to make it worth the fight.

It's strange just how comfortable I feel right now. For so long, even when things were going great, I felt like there was something more I always had to strive for. Sometimes you should keep your aspirations high, but don't keep wishing things were better. Because you'll miss what's already in front of you. It's been so crazy these past months. Probably from about July 2006 onwards. I've noticed so many changes with myself, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I've grown significantly.

A lot of it had to do with my aunt's death. So much can change within such a short amount of time. February 2006 my aunt is diagnosed with cancer, and nine months later she is dead. How could any of us anticipated that?

You can't live life being bitter, putting people down, or worrying over insignificant things. I'm noticing that I do those things, and I'm trying to overcome that. Sure, there are people around me that I don't like, but at the end of the day what do I accomplish by bad-mouthing them? Absolutely nothing. I just need to accept their personalities and, if anything, just ignore them and keep being myself. And why be bitter? It's all right to be upset, but I have to learn to stop and think about just how monumental this setback is. If it's nothing that I'm going to care about two days from now, why should I be upset over it? And if it's not something I can brush under the rug, then address it and attempt to solve it.

I've also learned a lot since my cousin Sara had her baby. Seeing how little Elena has brought so much light to our family after we were grieving for my aunt is truly a miracle. My grandmother says that God planned it all out- my aunt and Elena were both born in January, and Elena was brought to us so soon after my aunt's death to remind us that life does go on in the face of death. That's a bit philosophical and religious for someone like me, but I completely agree with my grandmother.

I'm so happy with the people in my life. I've rekindled friendships over the past few months, and established new ones along the way. I couldn't be happier that people like Brittany, Pappas, Annie, Michael, Stevi, and others that I can't seem to think of right now are my closest friends...considering right after high school ended I felt like I had grown apart from most of them for good. It just goes to show that the people who are meant to be in your life are the ones that will make their way back when you least expect it. I'm so happy that I've met Brandon and that our lives have just fit together in the right places.

In short, do what makes you happy. Do what you feel is right for you, regardless of what other people say. Your friends and family are there to guide you and support you, but ultimately the decisions are sitting in your hands. Make the best of it. Laugh a lot. Travel. Be lazy more than once in a while. Eat a lot. Just live the way you want.

One step too far

I hate when I feel this way. Why do I have to work myself into hyperdrive when I ought to just be content and happy with how things are? I'm not UNhappy, but there's a nagging thought in the back of my head that can't seem to handle what's going on here. No one has ever loved me or cared for me the way he does, so there has to be a catch to all of this. What is that catch? I'm being stupid, but this is how I've always been. I just can't completely accept someone loving me. I always have to look for the "but". "He says he loves me, BUT..." - that's the conversation that always plays out in my head. What is that "but"? What is the catch? There shouldn't be one, because I know he's different than the others. I know he wouldn't play games with me. So why do I keep playing games with myself?

Life.

If I could map out the perfect life for myself, here's what it'd be like:



I'd be done with college, living a modest, comfortable life, with my husband (hopefully Brandon, but hey that can all change), with one kid, teaching history at a local college and doing my hobbies and spending time with my family and friends in my free time.



I used to think being successful was having an education, having an abundance of money, pushing yourself above and beyond expectations and winning universal admiration. Some of that can be attributed to success. But I used to think if I didn't get a high-paying job, didn't live in a huge house and didn't drive an expensive car, that I wouldn't be considered successful. Over the past year or so I've been changing that perception, and now my idea of being successful is different.

Being successful is doing exactly what I want to be doing, living the exact life I want to be living. I don't need to live in some seaside mansion or have three BMWs in the driveway. I just want to do something I'm passionate about, spending my life with the people I'm most passionate about. Waking up every morning and thinking to myself "I have exactly what I want", that equates success.

Don't panic, panic

All right. Here's the problem, America.

WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING FERGIE'S MUSIC????

Let's take a look at how successful she has been on the U.S. singles chart...

"London Bridge" - #1
"Fergalicious" - #2
"Glamorous" -#1

NOTICING A TREND HERE? Her singles are doing very well in this godforsaken country. WHY? Everyone knows she's complete horse shit. Why encourage her? Because now she's got a new song called "Big Girls Don't Cry" and I swear to God if this becomes another "smash hit" I will find every person who downloaded/bought/requested this song and I will punch you in the womb. I don't care if you're a male and don't have a womb, I'll punch you so hard it'll make you wish you had a womb for me to punch.

If that made any sense...

Carry on.

This might be a bit TMI...

Do you ever notice that after having good and I mean REALLY good sex, you're just in an overall good mood? And you feel like eating candy? And just want to take a nap for a few hours? Yeah. Definitely how I feel right now.

I know you so want to hear this from me right now.

Stuff.

I've got Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" stuck in my head.

Anyway.

I want to go to Disneyland SO bad. I just need to get my season pass. I should get my season pass when I take Brandon to Disneyland next month for his graduation. Yes. I should.

This weekend was pleasant. Worked on Friday and Saturday mornings. Friday evening I took Brandon and his friend Britney down to Hollywood, followed by a late dinner with Pappas, Michael, Antonio, Shane and Eddie (I could've done without Shane or Eddie, but whatever) and ended the night with Pappas, Brandon and myself visiting Brittany Oli. Saturday after work I visited the Oliphant woman at work, and we golf carted around Central Park. When she got off we had dinner at Mimi's Cafe, then went to Goodwill and Ross in attempts to find get-ups for the Rollerdisco party. We failed. But no matter, for we ended up frolicking at Bouquet Park with Erik and Chrissie. Followed by a trip to Saugus Cafe where we pretended to be British. I think our waitress thought we were on crack. We came back to Britt's house, I went to pick up Brandon from his friend's party, and when the two of us came back guess who unexpectedly came over from Michael's house? Eddie. So it was yet ANOTHER night of Eddie.

I don't hate him, I really don't. Anymore. I'm over the fued/rivalry we had in high school, I'll be civil with him, I can have a decent conversation with him. But frankly, I just can't stand his personality. Again, doesn't mean I hate him, but I just don't enjoy his company all that much. Brandon knew Eddie after Eddie got expelled from Saugus and went over to Valencia, and he can't stand him. So I know Brandon wasn't all too excited to have a second night of Eddie either. But what can you do? In the past I used to be a dick to him on purpose just to get a rise out of him, but nowadays I just sit back and keep my comments to myself. But still. He embodies everything that I try not to be as a gay man. He embodies the designer-obsessed, pretentious, ego-centric, morally bankrupt gay man that makes me want to slit my throat.

ANYWAY. We can move on from that. I'm just excited for summer. This has been such a crazy past few months, though 2007 is already 10,000 times better than 2006 ever was. Summer always makes things better, and I'm looking forward to taking a breather from school and just hanging out with my friends.

I love Brandon.

I love Brandon. I want to marry him. Not anytime soon. But eventually.

Yeah.

I haven't been this happy in a long time, but all the same it's still a bit uncertain. I don't doubt Brandon's feelings for me, and I trust him completely, but I guess I just still have some fears about being in a relationship. Which I think is understandable- I haven't been in one for over 3 years, and that last one wasn't even that meaningful to me. So really, this is the first relationship EVER (aside from my three year on/off whatever-the-hell-that-was with Matthew) where I've truly cared for and truly been in love with the other person, and not just some teenage, high school relationship.

I guess underneath the happiness I'm still a bit cautious, a bit unsure, but I'm not letting it affect me too much. I know I care for Brandon and I will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now this is what feels right and this is where I want to be.

I'm noticing just how different I'm acting in this relationship, compared to my other ones. The most obvious reason is the fact that I'm older, not in high school, and have matured since I was last in a relationship. I've also become more comfortable with myself over the past couple of years, and when I'm with Brandon I don't feel this other persona coming on, I'm just me. I'm probably more myself with him than I am with most other people, many of my closest friends included. I just don't feel as emotionally needy, or clingy, or (with some other relationships) just plain bored and wanting a boyfriend only for the sake of having a boyfriend. I feel alive, I feel empowered, I feel appreciated; most importantly, I feel loved. That's something I've been missing for a very long time. I feel loved by my friends and family every day, but to feel loved in this way is completely different. You know, LOVE love. And that void has been filled over the past two, almost three months.