On my mind.

Some things that are on my mind right now-

So I'm not depressed, as I thought I might have been a week ago. I was actually more worried that I was STARTING to get depressed as opposed to actually BEING depressed. I can't think of a time when I was truly depressed, because I normally kick myself in the ass when I feel like I'm being a pathetic asshole. So anytime I've started to feel overly mopey and overly sorry for myself, to the point where it's just childish and no longer acceptable, I've always given myself a good punch (metaphorically...I don't actually beat myself in the head) and told myself it's time to get the fuck over it.

So when I consider the reality of things, I'm really not all that off the mark. I'm a 21-year-old who's been in junior college for over a year longer than he should've been who would rather read a Marie Anotinette biography than go drinking at some frat bar and is still in love with his boyfriend that broke up with him two weeks ago. Really, am I that bad off? Everyone's been in the same boat I'm currently in, everyone's had their heart broken and everyone's loved someone that didn't love them back. And you know what? The world keeps on turning.

The good thing is, I guess if there can be a good thing from all of this, that Brandon understands I'm still in love with him and though it's a bit uncomfortable when we're trying to establish a strictly platonic relationship, he knows I just have to give myself time to get over him and he doesn't think I'm a pathetic baby because of it. So I guess that's a good thing, because he could always be an ass about it and just tell me I'm creeping him out and to leave him alone, but this shows that he does still care and I do still play an important role in his life, even if he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Then the big question is, once again- are things really that bad? From what I've learned these past two weeks- no. And will things get better? Well, around this time last year I thought I would never find a suitable boyfriend and I'd be single until God knows when, and guess what- I ended up having a boyfriend for pretty much most of 2007. So what does that prove? That proves that hey, good things will happen when you least expect it. So instead of whining and being a baby about everything, just go out there, live your life, do your thing, and good things will come your way.

Music rant!!!!

It's been a while since I've discussed one of my favorite topics- music. So here we go.

Number one- the Backstreet Boys. Yes, they're still around, still making music...does anyone care? Not particularly. I don't know what it will take to make these guys think that nobody is interested anymore in middle-aged dudes who have not exactly aged gracefully (come on, between them and 'N Sync, the Backstreets were never the better-looking) and they generally are still putting out the same type of music that they made 10 years ago- i.e. boring ballads.

Number two- the Spice Girls. WHAT IS THIS 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So as you MAY have heard, the Spice Girls reunited and are currently on a fairly massive world tour which apparently is going quite well. Musically, not so much. Their "comeback" single (and we use that term loosely), "Headlines", flopped quite terribly on the UK charts, meaning that it wasn't some gigantic number 1 hit. Their greatest hits CD "only" reached number 2 on the UK charts and is currently being sold only through Victoria's Secret right now in the United States. Being that the Spice Girls were never as popular here as they were across the Atlantic, though they were fairly massive nonetheless, I doubt their CD is going to cause much sensation in this country.

Number three- Girls Aloud. Oh I'm sorry, their new album Tangled Up is only the most amazing thing to smack pop music right in the face this year. It's been out for over a month and I still can't get over it.

That's all I can muster up for now.

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I am tiiiiiired of being at wooooooork. Worked until 11 last night, came back at 8 this morning. Thank Allah I'm off the next two days.

So here's what my schedule is for the next couple of weeks-

Tuesday: Finals
Wednesday: End of Finals!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: WORK AGAIN
Sunday: DAMMIT WORK!!!!
Monday: FREAKIN' A- WORK WORK WORK
Tuesday: No work thank God, my grandparents are coming over to start making tamales for Christmas. Uh, chyea, super excited.
Wednesday: DISNEYLAND!!!!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: Christmas Dinner!
Sunday: Work
Monday: NO WORK IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Tuesday: Christmas Day...sadly I work for a few hours, but afterwards I'm heading to the Oliphants' and Brittany and I are going to Wii it up hardcore.

Sounds good. Fingers crossed that my car will be done and I'll get it back today. It's been five days. :(

Here's what I've decided.

I've made a decision.

As of Dec. 8, 2007, Mark is officially on a complete break from guys.

It's not anything out of bitterness, but I've realized that, even though before I met Brandon I was single for three years, in reality I haven't been completely uninvolved with guys for anything longer than maybe two or three months. Because in some way or other, I've still talked to guys, still gone on occassional dates, and you know what- I think I'm kind of over it for now.

I've only been single for a week so I'm not going to jump into anything anytime soon. And obviously, if I do jump into anything soon all I'm going to do is think about how he's not Brandon and constantly compare him to Brandon (since I still have feelings for Brandon, obviously). So either way it's just not going to work.

Plus, I really need to get myself to understand that you don't HAVE to have some type of guy interest to be happy, whether it be a boyfriend or a flirt or an occassional hook-up. I need to focus on my friends, focus on my family, focus on ME, focus on school, focus on work, focus on doing the things I want and just letting everything else fall into place.

So with that said, I guess I'm just continuing down the path to finding myself. I'm in a position I certainly wasn't expecting myself to be, I was expecting to still have a boyfriend and to be working with that. But plans change, so you just have to adapt and let life take you where it will.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, on a different note, that my grandparents are coming sometime this week and we're going to start making tamales, so I'll be able to have some to bring for the Christmas dinner. I know you all are excited.

Okay, so....

I like Christmas music and all...but I'm sick of hearing 50 VERSIONS OF THE SAME SONG!!!! They're playing Christmas music at my work and I'm already getting tired of it. Also, I don't like poppy versions of Christmas songs. To me, they're just annoying. I like choral versions of Christmas songs, nice, pretty, classical, etc. Not Jessica Simpson or Destiny's Child bullshit singing "Jingle Bells". Give me Charlotte Church singing some operatic version of "O Holy Night", and I'm fine with that. Even though Charlotte Church is a cunt. Haha.

Better.

Things are slowly getting better. It's still only been four days, but today is the first day where I haven't cried and overall I feel more hopeful than I have these past few days.

I went over and visited him for a little bit last night, and I think that did exactly what I hoped it would. I think a big part of my sadness was the fact that I went from seeing him or at least talking to him every single day for 9 months straight, to after one night having no communication with him at all. So I texted him and asked him if I'd be able to talk to him after he got off work, and he said that'd be fine. So I went over, we asked each other how we were doing. It seems like we're both in the same place, we were both upset and having a hard time coping with it, but he seemed like he was starting to get to the healing point, which is where I feel like I am right now. It was a little awkward, we both admitted, but we sort of laughed about it, and we both agreed that we'll eventually be comfortable with each other.

That really made me feel good, seeing him and knowing that everything really is going to be fine between us. It's like I've been telling everyone- there aren't hard feelings at all. I'm not angry with him, I'm not scornful, I'm not bitter. I was upset these past few days because this was my first serious relationship and I truly do care about him and love him, but I know he had his reasons for making this decision. I want him to do what he feels is best for him, even if that means sacrificing some of my happiness. Because you don't want to be with someone that isn't completely sure of being with you, right? Right. I know he cares about me and it does provide a lot of comfort that he wants to continue being part of my life.

So, in conclusion, everything is slowly but surely starting to get better. Like I said, no tears today, so hopefully that continues. :) I'm hopeful for the future, and I know eventually I'll meet someone new and this experience has only made me understand more of what I'm looking for and what I want in a relationship.

In other news, I'm extremely excited for the Christmas dinner and for Disneyland. Another thing about last night, Brandon had said that he had put down he wasn't sure if he'd go to the dinner just because he didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me, and I'd like it if he still went, so that should be fun. But yes, Christmas dinner and Disneyland. Should be uber-fun.

I guess that's that.

After nine months and twelve days, Brandon and I are officially over. I don't quite know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions I'm feeling- anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and in a strange way maybe relief and understanding?

I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.

The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?

I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.

I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.

I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.

And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.

I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.

I have no regrets.