Heh.

It seems like I'm only updating once a month in this thing. But since Brittany nor Melissa nor Kenna update theirs very often, it doesn't leave me motivation to update mine either.

Anyway, Christmas is a week from today, though I consider my actual Christmas to be on Christmas Eve, therefore making it less than a week. Saturday afternoon we're putting together all the tamales, so on the 24th all we have to do is just toss them onto the stove and cook them. But we usually leave about a dozen that we actually put together on Christmas, since preparing the tamales a week before is considering cheating from the original traditions of my great-grandmother. Then again, if we were going to be sticklers about abiding by her traditions we'd all have to pray in front of a makeshift altar for about 2 hours. I think we're fine with just skipping that.

Getting ready for Christmas is fun. It's keeping me busy, and it's just nice to spend some extra time with the family. Work is all right, and I'm taking winter session so my winter break shall be a bit shorter. But Brittany and I are going beach camping at Carpinteria in January, which should result in two days of pure relaxation.

When I posted on here in October I talked about how I was playing the field, but all that has since blown over. James and I never went anywhere beyond texting, and I've gotten over my crush on Brian, though he's a great friend and we're trying to find time in our schedules to hang out. I'd like to meet some guys, but I'm sort of tired with meeting them over the Internet and I don't really care to go out to bars or parties. Oh well, I'll just focus on school and work and friends and family. Can't go wrong with that.

The haps.

1. Last time I posted I was "playing the field", so to speak. Nothing's really happening right now with anyone, which is fine. I'm just living and that's what counts.

2. Been working crazy hours at work...such as right now. Pulling graveyard shifts on Friday and Saturday nights. Downside- well, obviously doing a graveyard shift and the fact that it kills a lot of my weekend plans. Upside- it's $10.50 an hour during these shifts, as opposed to $9 an hour when I'm working regular daytime hours. Not a great difference but appreciated nevertheless.

3. The holidays are coming up. I'm hoping they'll be good, I think they'll be uneventful however. Same old stuff, which is fine.

4. Overall, life is all right. Nothing particularly noteworthy about it, but I'm having good times here and there, and nothing is particularly causing me stress (other than our hours at work have gotten cut and I'm fairly broke, but my grandparents have been sending me money which I can't be more grateful for). So I'm just doing my thing, trying to finish up school and transfer. 2009 might be a pretty hectic year for me, which I'm looking forward to.

Hello kids

Been a while since I made an actual update...but hi. Same old shennanigans going on here- school, work, being thankful that I have a job and am able to make my own money in this shit-tastic economy. Overall, nothing to complain about. Nothing to report home to, either, as in nothing exciting is really happening at the moment. Well, maybe not entirely true, as there are a couple of interesting developments with regard to my dating life. Let's review, shall we?

Number one, my situation with Brian. I do have a bit of a crush on Brian, I find him attractive and he's a fun guy to hang out with. I think my interest in him is starting to wane a bit, admittedly. Maybe it's because I'm sort of bored with trying to figure out the mixed signals I think he's sending. That could be it. Or maybe I just realize that though he is attractive (and let me tell you, the guy is a fox) and we do get along splendidly, maybe that spark just really isn't there. Nothing wrong with that, if anything he's become a great new friend since we got in contact again...now that I'm thinking more about it, it's becoming a bit more clear to me how I feel about him. It's totally fun to flirt with him, that I won't deny, but I think it probably is better to stay the "just friends" course on this one.

Now, number two. Recently, I've been talking with James, a guy that I went to high school with but haven't seen nor talked to since....well, since freshman year I believe. Melissa, Ashlee, Carly and myself were in the same math class with James our freshman year. Even though back then I definitely was in major self-denial about being attracted to guys, I do remember thinking he was cute. Melissa had a little crush on him too, which makes this quite amusing. Anyway, he added me on Myspace sometime last week, and I remembered him and was a bit surprised about it. So we started messaging back and forth, and after doing that for a couple of days we exchanged numbers and have since gone on to texting. It's pretty random, considering I've been trying to sort out this Brian situation since we all went to Knott's two weeks ago, but it's still kind of fun. From his Myspace pictures, James is still as cute as he was back in high school, and he does seem like a nice guy (it's been seven, almost eight years since I last talked to him, so it's practically like meeting a new person), so we'll see what happens. We're planning to meet up and hang sometime this week, so...let's just see how things play out.

Gosh I'm such a player these days...one guy to the next. Brian, Joey, now James. Oh well, I'm 22 years old, I'm single, and I'm not having sex with any of these guys so I'm not being a big manwhore over here. Just playing the field, keeping my options open.

In other news, Halloween is next week (!!!!) and Brittany's party is in five days (!!!!), which promises to be a grand old time like every year. Quite excited.

Though I believe in love, tell me can anything last forever?

Everything he does, better than anything ordinary
Everything he wants, he gets, 'cause everything he does is kind of necessary
Though I believe in love, tell me can anything last forever?
If life can live up to love, with my hand on my heart and I'm saying never

You're gonna make me, make me love you
Nothing at all, nothing that I do
The promise I made, promise I made
Is starting to fade, starting to fade
You're gonna make me, make me love you
Nothing at all, that I cannot do
The promise I made, promise I made
Is starting to fade, starting to fade

In other interesting news...

I went down to Hollywood last night on a motorcycle at 115 miles per hour.

Quite possibly the scariest/most fun thing I've done all summer.

You say I must eat so many lemons, 'cause I am so bitter

...I said, 'I'd rather be with your friends mate, 'cause they are all fitter'

God I fucking love that song right now.

Anyway.

Game plan for the next year or so...

August - December : Classes at COC and Pierce, living at home still.

December - June : Living in Tehachapi.

Sometime next summer (still don't know exact dates) : Going to Spain.

Fall 2009 : Moving to Orange County and attending either Cal State Fullerton or Fullerton Community College to transfer to Cal State Fullerton.

Sounds like a plan. Finally time to get out of here. I've sort of reached my limits, I guess you could say. I want to start a rock band and just DFSHFHDGUDFGHZUDGHZDUI GHZDFUI GHUI GHDUIGHZDFYUGHZDUIGHD. Fucking vent everything out. I have a lot of bullshit angst right now.

So

Yep.

I'm over your lies,and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,and I pick up the phone.
And then you be telling me I know you're not alone.
Thats why- your eyes, I'm over it. Your smile, I'm over it.
Realized I'm over it, I'm over it, I'm over..
Wanting you to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time.
You never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit, but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

One of the most beautiful songs ever.

Bjork "All Is Full of Love"

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at
Twist your head around

It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you
All is full of love
You just ain't receiving

All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love!

Be the little angel
All is full of love, all is full of love
All is full of love, all is full of love ...

Hi everyone

And by everyone I mean Melissa and Brittany since they are the only ones who read it.

I'm doing really good right now. In spite of everything that happened last week with my family and all, I think it's going to have a good outcome. My dad's making good progress, so that's always a plus. But overall I'm just feeling really good about life and about myself.

I decided I'm not going to COC next semester. Instead I'm going to go to Pierce. Why? Mostly because I feel like maybe a reason why COC is dragging on for me is because I'm just truly sick of going there. Maybe being at a new campus and seeing some new faces and realizing "Okay, I have to drive a bit farther to get to school and with the way gas is I can't go back and forth to home or hanging out with friends between classes" so I won't be tempted to just not go to class, that might be a better pick.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm registering in the fall for Pierce, and then I should be at CSUN next fall. I'm excited.

I'm ready for this summer to be good. It didn't start off very well for me, so let's cut to the good times eh?

Basically

Brittany and I are awesome.

We might be single, but we're still awesome. We might not have had the best luck in love, but we're still awesome. We're funny, we're peppy, we're smart, and we're hot.

Don't you eva forget that.

Guess what

I'm keeping control of the knife...

'Cos I'm not your darling.

Is it keeping you cold in the nights?

'Cos honey, you're starving.

Because I'm bitter at the moment.

I know I said I was over it, I'm trying to not get upset over it- BUT I'm only human.

WHY did I go look at Brandon's Myspace? I already saw the pictures of him and Lucas, especially the one where Brandon kisses him on the cheek (FUNNY THING IS, BRANDON AND I TOOK AN EXACT SAME PICTURE WHEN WE WENT TO THE ZOO LAST YEAR. Fuck that), but actually SEEING on his Myspace "In a Relationship" really just put the knife in my heart today.

I fucking hate this. It's not that I have feelings for Brandon anymore- I'm positive I don't- but it's just the feeling that I've been replaced, that he's found something better than me. Which is perfectly natural, and eventually I'll be doing the same thing, but for the time being it pretty much makes me want to die and makes me feel like an inadequate piece of shit.

Maybe I should temporarily delete him as my friend, just until I know for sure that I won't be affected by looking at his page. Then when I am for sure completely positively over it, we'll see about being friends again. I think for now though, I just can't have the accessability to look at his new life.

Been a while...

So it's been 2 months since I've last updated. What's been going on?

Continued onslaught of work and school. Definitely knuckling down on school because I am sick to death of COC and want to actually move on with my life. I should for certain be transferring to CSUN in spring '09, I see no reason as to why I won't be able to (unless some mutant dog eats my homework consecutively for all of my classes this semester, during summer school and fall semester, therefore plummeting my GPA to irreparable levels).

Highly unlikely.

I am unbelievably excited for July 25. Why?

BECAUSE THE SEQUEL TO "THE X-FILES" MOVIE IS COMING OUT.
Uh...yeah. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are returning as Mulder and Scully, obviously, and it's just going to be amazing.

In other interesting developments, last night I hung out with Brandon after work (random, I know), and I finally came to the conclusion that I really am over him. Not that it was bad or anything, and not that I dislike him or anything, because I definitely don't, but I realized how much he's changed since I met him last year and how he's really not the right one for me. For one, I guess he's started smoking cigarettes again on a regular basis (which was something he had quit doing prior to us dating), so that was a big turn-off. And plus he's really been going out and partying a lot more, which is whatever- he's young and if he's enjoying himself then more power to him. But, that's not really what I want. I want someone who's mature, someone who's kind of outgrown the whole party phase. Nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, but not necessarily to the extent that I've heard of Brandon's partying. It's just not what I want at this point in my life, I want something more low-key and more in tune with my lifestyle, because I'm NOT a partier by any stretch.

I get drunk after 3 or 4 drinks- come on, does that sound ANYTHING like a partier?

So it was actually very gratifying when I came home last night after dropping him off and realized that I don't want him back anymore. I'll still look back on our relationship and think about the good times, but it's in the past. I'm officially ready to move on, and that's a relief.

Valentine's Day

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which really isn't that big of a deal to me. First of all, I've never been dating someone on Valentine's Day (Brandon and I met about a week after last year's Valentine's Day), so I can't really say it's something I "miss". I don't flat-out hate it either. I'm just kind of indifferent to it. Brittany and I are hanging out tomorrow night with some friends, so I don't mind Valentine's Day when I get to have a good time with people. I think that's more productive than just sitting around talking about how much it sucks. Valentine's Day only sucks if you let it get to you. All the same, even if I was dating someone I don't think Valentine's Day would be that big of a deal for me, unless it was a special day like an anniversary. My parents got married on Valentine's Day, so to them it's always going to be a special day and I'm happy for them because of that. But if I did have a boyfriend, I'd rather celebrate a day that's special to us instead of Valentine's Day which everyone says we're SUPPOSED to celebrate when in reality I could give a shit.

I don't know. I guess I'm just as guilty of jumping on the bandwagon because I'm talking about it, but really I'm not in either camp of the I hate/I love Valentine's Day battle. I just don't care either way.

In any case, I'm certainly not going to let this day make me feel like crap. So I'm single, so I've been nursing a broken heart for the past two months. Happens to everyone at some point (or multiple points) in their lives. I'm no exception, so to me it's just going to be another day.

Thank God...

for last night. I realized how badly I needed a night like last night, to just hang out with a group of friends and act stupid and just have a good time. Vincenzo's was a blast, and then we all went to Jon's and hung out. I played all of Aladdin on Super Nintendo in about 20 minutes- everyone thought it was funny that I beat it so fast- and then we watched "Superbad", and then me, Kenna, Annie and Pappas had a dance-off which was quite hilarious. Overall, a good night. Really glad I got the chance to do that, because I really did need it. I've been so down and out lately. I'm glad I'm going back to school tomorrow, because I know keeping busy with that instead of just working and then sitting around doing nothing when I'm not at work will help take my mind off of everything that's been bothering me. So hopefully things will start getting better in the next month or so.

I am so sick...

of being depressed. Looking back on it, it hasn't just been since Brandon broke up with me that I've been depressed. I haven't felt like myself since at least late September, or October. I'm just tired of it. I tell myself each and every day the things I have to be grateful for, but still it seems like my life over the past three or four months has been so...blah. Especially when the first six months of 2007 were the happiest I had been in such a long time. Everything felt so alive, so exciting, I was in love, I felt like my life was going the right direction. Now I feel like I'm not only right back to square one, but I'm in worse shape than I was before 2007 began. I just wish these feelings would go away, I'm so sick of it.

More stuff.

For starters, my brother's best friend was killed yesterday in a motorcycle crash, and he died in my brother's arms. I can't imagine how horrible this whole thing must be for him. My brother's locked himself up at his girlfriend's house since then, but hopefully he'll come home sometime this week so I can get a chance to see him.

I'm hanging out with this guy on Friday. His name's Freddie (which is a cute name- though it's kind of weird because my grandpa's name is Fred, one of my grandpa's brother's name is Fred, my great-grandfather's name was Fred...I don't know I always find it weird to meet someone that has the same name as someone in my family), and it's NOT a date. I'm not exactly ready to date yet, and I'm not too sure about the guy himself. He's a very cute guy from the pictures he's shown me, but...I don't know, there's something strange about him. We've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now, and he's really bad at maintaining a conversation in that medium. He's usually the one that texts me first, says hi, whats up, etc., I respond and ask him the same, he'll give me a one-lined answer, and then that'll be it. He won't respond again until the next day or so.

So that in itself is kind of strange.

Then out of nowhere he does the same thing last night, except actually manages to continually text me for a good hour, but STILL giving me only one-lined answers, and without asking for a response on my end. Eventually I just got bored with it and said I was going to go to bed, and then a few minutes later he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure, he said we'll talk more about it later. Today he texts me and we get the plans all arranged- we're going to hang on Friday night when he gets off work, we're going to see Cloverfield, he gave me his address so I can Mapquest it. So I'm thinking okay, cool, it at least gives me something to do.

So then he asks me if I can send him another picture of myself, so I do, just one of those cheesy camera-in-the-mirror face shots. Then he asks if I can send him a picture of myself shirtless. I don't really want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I'm hoping to hook up with him, and asking someone to see a shirtless picture kind of makes me feel like that's where he's leaning. He tells me it's not like that, he was just curious what my body looked like because in the face pic I sent him, I was wearing a wife beater and he said that I had "nice, toned shoulders". Random compliment, but hey I'll take it. So I say fine, I'll send him a harmless pic, no dropping the pants, just a picture of me in the mirror without a shirt. I warned him I'm hairy and haven't been to the gym in almost 7 months, so my body hasn't been looking its best lately. But he responded back and said I have a really nice body and he liked that it was kind of hairy.

I'm thinking to myself this entire time that he definitely is looking for a hook-up. Why else would you ask for a shirtless picture of someone that you're anticipating to hang out with if that's NOT what you're interested in? So I'm not sure how this is going to go down. Yes, he is extremely cute, but he hasn't exactly proved to be the most interesting person from our really pathetic text conversations, and if he tries to make a pass at me I'm going to tell him that I am definitely not looking for that. THEN to top it all off, he asked me if I could tell him how big my penis is.

...

Come on, that is a total red flag for hook-up interest. I told him that's something he doesn't need to know yet because we're not going to get to that point.

I think I ought to just cancel this thing altogether. I am really not looking for a hook-up right now, and Lord knows I would save gas money and money for the movie if I cancelled. I'll see what he says if he texts me later in the week and if he's still asking me questions like this, then I'm going to tell him I can't hang out with him.

This is what I hate about being single, is that I know for the next who-knows-how-long, I'm going to meet guys that are going to be so not what I'm looking for. Which obviously is what makes meeting that right person so special in the first place, but still- the process of going through a bunch of annoying dates to get to the person that you actually fall in love with is an irritating process. HJHfsdukhfsdjh fkjlsdh fsdjkghfuiohg djk. Is how I feel about that.

This is a really long entry, but I am bored at work and so I feel like rambling on a bit. Although now I have nothing to ramble about, so I suppose I'm done for now.

Don't keep me under surveillance

San Francisco in four days.

School starts in two weeks.

Planning Las Vegas for spring break.

Visiting Humboldt this summer.

Kauai with the family this summer.

2008 is going to be one busy year. Which is exactly what I need. I need to get away and take my mind off of things. I wish I didn't still think about him every minute. I'm past the point of crying about it, but there's still that longing that I feel, that feeling that one day he'll realize just how much I care for him and how good I am for him, and he'll come back to me. It won't happen, I knoww, but it's a feeling I can't help nonetheless.

Breaking up is so shitty. It almost makes me not want to get into another relationship. Which is a childish thing to say.

I've decided

I've decided that the time has come for me to step out of my comfort zone and make something interesting and rewarding out of my life. I realized the other night after having another self-pity party that right now, there's nothing holding me back here. There's nothing left for me here right now. I have my closest friends, of course, who will always be there, I have my family, also, and they will always be there. But there is no urgent need for me to stay right now. If anything, they probably want me to get up and get out and explore the world, for they understand how intelligent and how passionate I am, and they want to see me pursue those endeavors. They know my desires to travel and pursue my interests in history and in the world, and they want me to have the chance to do those things now, when the time is right and when I have the freedom to do them.

I've finally reached the point where I'm done holding back. I've realized that the reason I've been holding back, the reason I've been maintaining the status quo ever since graduation is because I've been scared. I've been scared of moving on, of placing myself in new and uncomfortable settings. But that's part of growing up, of gaining experience, of building up character. The other night when I was thinking about all this was finally my epiphany. I don't need to stay here anymore. Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I'm no longer finding excuses or reasons to stay behind while others move forward with their lives. I have to move forward as well.

So I've decided within the year I'm going to find some program where I can study abroad. Preferrably in Europe, of course, because I've always felt somewhat European at heart my entire life. Bizarre as that might sound. I feel going to Europe will truly develop my character and I'll truly discover who I am there. I'd prefer Spain, because the language barrier wouldn't be as difficult since I already speak a good amount of Spanish. I'd also like France, and the UK has always been a dreamhome of mine. Any of these places.

But I'm serious about this. Dead, 100% serious. I'm going to step up, I'm going to go for this, I'm going to work for this. I have to do it. Now is my chance.

New Year.

Wow, this is weird....it's the second new year post I've done in this blogger thing. It's just weird to think about how much things change within the span of a couple of years. From when I started this blog in July 2006, and here we are in January 2008. So much has happened, but I guess the most rewarding thing is that I truly do feel comfortable with myself. Even if things in my life aren't the way I want them to be, I at least know my own mind what it is I want, which is a large accomplishment for me considering I've spent many years feeling the exact opposite. It's all part of growing up, I suppose. It's interesting actually feeling like an adult though. Or at least starting to feel like an adult.

That's all I really have patience for writing right now. I'll return and discuss more of what's going on with me.