One step too far

I hate when I feel this way. Why do I have to work myself into hyperdrive when I ought to just be content and happy with how things are? I'm not UNhappy, but there's a nagging thought in the back of my head that can't seem to handle what's going on here. No one has ever loved me or cared for me the way he does, so there has to be a catch to all of this. What is that catch? I'm being stupid, but this is how I've always been. I just can't completely accept someone loving me. I always have to look for the "but". "He says he loves me, BUT..." - that's the conversation that always plays out in my head. What is that "but"? What is the catch? There shouldn't be one, because I know he's different than the others. I know he wouldn't play games with me. So why do I keep playing games with myself?

Life.

If I could map out the perfect life for myself, here's what it'd be like:



I'd be done with college, living a modest, comfortable life, with my husband (hopefully Brandon, but hey that can all change), with one kid, teaching history at a local college and doing my hobbies and spending time with my family and friends in my free time.



I used to think being successful was having an education, having an abundance of money, pushing yourself above and beyond expectations and winning universal admiration. Some of that can be attributed to success. But I used to think if I didn't get a high-paying job, didn't live in a huge house and didn't drive an expensive car, that I wouldn't be considered successful. Over the past year or so I've been changing that perception, and now my idea of being successful is different.

Being successful is doing exactly what I want to be doing, living the exact life I want to be living. I don't need to live in some seaside mansion or have three BMWs in the driveway. I just want to do something I'm passionate about, spending my life with the people I'm most passionate about. Waking up every morning and thinking to myself "I have exactly what I want", that equates success.

Don't panic, panic

All right. Here's the problem, America.

WHY DO YOU KEEP BUYING FERGIE'S MUSIC????

Let's take a look at how successful she has been on the U.S. singles chart...

"London Bridge" - #1
"Fergalicious" - #2
"Glamorous" -#1

NOTICING A TREND HERE? Her singles are doing very well in this godforsaken country. WHY? Everyone knows she's complete horse shit. Why encourage her? Because now she's got a new song called "Big Girls Don't Cry" and I swear to God if this becomes another "smash hit" I will find every person who downloaded/bought/requested this song and I will punch you in the womb. I don't care if you're a male and don't have a womb, I'll punch you so hard it'll make you wish you had a womb for me to punch.

If that made any sense...

Carry on.

This might be a bit TMI...

Do you ever notice that after having good and I mean REALLY good sex, you're just in an overall good mood? And you feel like eating candy? And just want to take a nap for a few hours? Yeah. Definitely how I feel right now.

I know you so want to hear this from me right now.

Stuff.

I've got Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" stuck in my head.

Anyway.

I want to go to Disneyland SO bad. I just need to get my season pass. I should get my season pass when I take Brandon to Disneyland next month for his graduation. Yes. I should.

This weekend was pleasant. Worked on Friday and Saturday mornings. Friday evening I took Brandon and his friend Britney down to Hollywood, followed by a late dinner with Pappas, Michael, Antonio, Shane and Eddie (I could've done without Shane or Eddie, but whatever) and ended the night with Pappas, Brandon and myself visiting Brittany Oli. Saturday after work I visited the Oliphant woman at work, and we golf carted around Central Park. When she got off we had dinner at Mimi's Cafe, then went to Goodwill and Ross in attempts to find get-ups for the Rollerdisco party. We failed. But no matter, for we ended up frolicking at Bouquet Park with Erik and Chrissie. Followed by a trip to Saugus Cafe where we pretended to be British. I think our waitress thought we were on crack. We came back to Britt's house, I went to pick up Brandon from his friend's party, and when the two of us came back guess who unexpectedly came over from Michael's house? Eddie. So it was yet ANOTHER night of Eddie.

I don't hate him, I really don't. Anymore. I'm over the fued/rivalry we had in high school, I'll be civil with him, I can have a decent conversation with him. But frankly, I just can't stand his personality. Again, doesn't mean I hate him, but I just don't enjoy his company all that much. Brandon knew Eddie after Eddie got expelled from Saugus and went over to Valencia, and he can't stand him. So I know Brandon wasn't all too excited to have a second night of Eddie either. But what can you do? In the past I used to be a dick to him on purpose just to get a rise out of him, but nowadays I just sit back and keep my comments to myself. But still. He embodies everything that I try not to be as a gay man. He embodies the designer-obsessed, pretentious, ego-centric, morally bankrupt gay man that makes me want to slit my throat.

ANYWAY. We can move on from that. I'm just excited for summer. This has been such a crazy past few months, though 2007 is already 10,000 times better than 2006 ever was. Summer always makes things better, and I'm looking forward to taking a breather from school and just hanging out with my friends.

I love Brandon.

I love Brandon. I want to marry him. Not anytime soon. But eventually.

Yeah.

I haven't been this happy in a long time, but all the same it's still a bit uncertain. I don't doubt Brandon's feelings for me, and I trust him completely, but I guess I just still have some fears about being in a relationship. Which I think is understandable- I haven't been in one for over 3 years, and that last one wasn't even that meaningful to me. So really, this is the first relationship EVER (aside from my three year on/off whatever-the-hell-that-was with Matthew) where I've truly cared for and truly been in love with the other person, and not just some teenage, high school relationship.

I guess underneath the happiness I'm still a bit cautious, a bit unsure, but I'm not letting it affect me too much. I know I care for Brandon and I will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now this is what feels right and this is where I want to be.

I'm noticing just how different I'm acting in this relationship, compared to my other ones. The most obvious reason is the fact that I'm older, not in high school, and have matured since I was last in a relationship. I've also become more comfortable with myself over the past couple of years, and when I'm with Brandon I don't feel this other persona coming on, I'm just me. I'm probably more myself with him than I am with most other people, many of my closest friends included. I just don't feel as emotionally needy, or clingy, or (with some other relationships) just plain bored and wanting a boyfriend only for the sake of having a boyfriend. I feel alive, I feel empowered, I feel appreciated; most importantly, I feel loved. That's something I've been missing for a very long time. I feel loved by my friends and family every day, but to feel loved in this way is completely different. You know, LOVE love. And that void has been filled over the past two, almost three months.