Make the beats go harder.

So, as to be expected, we're still stuck back in square one. Two weeks later and STILL nothing? Wow, that shouldn't have been surprising to me. And you know what, it wasn't, so I don't feel like a right twit for cannon-balling into this.

That said, I have to say that there is someone else of slight interest to me. Nothing's going on, but he is nice to talk to and we do have some fairly amusing and engaging conversations. He seems like a nice kid. I'm glad that I called him a kid even though he's 2 years older than me. I think 22 is a good age. Then again, I said the same about 23 and look where that's landed me, so maybe I should be careful about which age is right or not. Pish posh, as I always say.

School starts in four days, which I'm surprisingly thankful for. I'm bored, and school does manage to keep you occupied. Not necessarily in the way I'd prefer, but at least I won't feel like a completely dull, useless mess. Not to mention I've finally caught up on my credit card bill (which wasn't even THAT much, but when you're unemployed for two months it catches up), and have decided that starting next week I can go ahead and start using it again. How keesh. Keesh isn't a word, by the way, but from this day henceforth I shall use it.

I could go for an apple pie right about now.

Incredible.

There's a track currently making the rounds of American clubs and dance stations (since we're always at least 13 and 1/2 months behind the rest of the world when it comes to really f-ing good Euro-pop), and it's titled "From Paris to Berlin". And no, it's not some dull pretentious DJ track. It's from Danish group Infernal. Yes. Danish. The breeding grounds of Aqua. It's the sound of Aqua if they had enough credibility to score themselves a spot on the Ultra Records roster, because Infernal is getting US distribution through Ultra. Because Ultra is our new best friend.

Point being, it's very good. It's very fun. It will make you feel as gay as a horse ride. And you will enjoy every moment of it.

Ring the Alarm.

After two atrocious singles, Beyonce finally decided to unleash something fairly decent to listen to. "Ring the Alarm" is by no means the smartest or catchiest tune around, but in comparison to "is that even a melody?" ("Check On It") and "honey, put it away" ("Deja Vu"), it's much more seismic and deserving of a few listens. I'm particularly keen on her little yelling rant at the very beginning.

If you believe the reporting done on Girls Aloud's Wikipedia article, they will be putting out a greatest hits disc next instead of a fourth album. Slightly disappointing. If Sugababes could wait four albums before dropping a hits collection at the end of this year, Girls Aloud can certainly pull out one more record out of their fine asses. Sure, twelve top 10 hits are certainly enough in this day and age to constitute a greatest hits album (hell, Mandy fucking Moore for fuck's sake has a "best of" CD), but still. A fourth album would convince the general public all the more that a break-up will still be at least another year or two away. Because we all know the day Girls Aloud cease to record together is the day pop music will officially die and drag everything down with it.

Alarming news. Hilary Duff aka Fake Teeth Too Big For My Face Chick has this new song out. It's called "Play With Fire" or some shit like that, and...I just have to confess. I rather like it. It's vaguely listenable. I feel so criminal and so vile for admitting to this, but I can't help it. Dammit. I'm a traitor to my generation.

And it's not just a phase.

It's everything I try to talk myself out of that is also everything I know is true. So maybe I should stop talking in the darker light to myself and begin to brighten my thoughts about this.

I began thinking tonight and I came to this-

I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him and I want him to hold me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and I want that to make him feel strong and secure. I don't want him to lose an ounce of his independence, his ferocity and his vivacious personality. Instead I want him to realize that those are the things that I love about him, and I want him to know that by giving me a part of himself and just letting me be his caretaker from time to time, he's not sacrificing those qualities. He's not sacrificing his independence by allowing me to be there for him.

And that's something I know I need to develop on. I've become so accustomed for so long to being independent, being on my own, not having to be there for a special person (obviously friends are an exception, but you get the differences there). I'll admit it's a struggle to allow MYSELF to hand patience and comfort over to someone, and especially to allow another person to do the same to me.

But you know what, I think I'm finally ready. If we're going to let his busy schedule get in the way of developing a relationship, then how the fuck are we going to combat it when I go back to school in just two weeks?

I don't care, I just want this to finally go somewhere, and I want us to give it honest effort this time. I don't care what happens, but I want it to be truthful.

Didn't feel so perfect.

Under normal circumstances, I would be kicking myself for completely going against what I said I wouldn't do.

But these aren't normal circumstances. So in this case, I figure 'what the hell?' Go out with your balls out and we'll see what comes of this.

Last night Kristen, Matthew and I rendezvous'ed over at Pei Wei for dinner. After eating we walked around the shopping center, and WHO of all people did we walk right by?

Frank.

Yep.

Frank.

That was unbelievably awkward, hilarious though because we were just talking about his dirty skank ass. He said hi to Kristen, to which Matthew replied "Why the hell would you say hi to us?" Amusing, absolutely.

Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart in Canyon Country, and....I got lost. Matthew bought cubbies for his shoes while Kristen and I made fun of him over it. Matthew took Kristen home, and I followed him back to his house, but we ended up going out AGAIN to meet his friends Paul and Martha at BJ's.

All in all an entertaining evening, albeit one of interesting outcomes. Still not sure how I feel about it, but I won't get my nickers in a twist. Enjoy it for now and let it go where it goes, I suppose.

Let's begin.

Number one-

There are certain things that seem to fly over your head regarding a few situations. The one of primary annoyance to me at this time is your inability to let this whole fiasco down easily.

Here's what I don't understand. You tell me you have feelings for me, you tell me I'm the one that is just right for you, you tell me you've waited so long yada yada crap crap crap, and when we FINALLY get the chance to test these waters, it fizzles faster than you can say "shotgun wedding".

Not that I'm bitter or resentful, because I'm not. So why do you feel the need to express annoyance at how UNannoyed I am with this outcome? Sure, I was disappointed, but I knew why we came to the decision and I felt the decision was a mature, thoughtful one. Our timing just is not right, and that's how it goes sometimes. What's the use in putting myself into anemia over this when I know deep down it's not going to work at this moment?

So to sum this entire rant up, here's what I have to say: You can't expect me nor want me to continue having feelings for you and continue wanting you if you know yourself that it won't work out. I don't play like that. I don't waste my time crying over someone that I know I can't be with for whatever circumstances, and I don't expect the other person to do the same. Considering HOW much time I've spent wondering if something could happen between us, I'd say this solution is fair game.

Three years I've spent wishing you were mine. Three years I've spent regretting the decision I made in the VERY beginning when I had the full-fledged opportunity to MAKE you mine. Three years I've spent hoping that the friendship we've built up would be the perfect foundation for the perfect relationship.

In no way do I want you to be any less a part of my life. But I will not feel guilty if I meet someone new in the future or if I'm just plain all right with the fact that our attempts at dating were unsuccessful.

I'm sorry, but I don't have another three years left in me. That's all I can do, and all I am willing to do.