I am so sick...

of being depressed. Looking back on it, it hasn't just been since Brandon broke up with me that I've been depressed. I haven't felt like myself since at least late September, or October. I'm just tired of it. I tell myself each and every day the things I have to be grateful for, but still it seems like my life over the past three or four months has been so...blah. Especially when the first six months of 2007 were the happiest I had been in such a long time. Everything felt so alive, so exciting, I was in love, I felt like my life was going the right direction. Now I feel like I'm not only right back to square one, but I'm in worse shape than I was before 2007 began. I just wish these feelings would go away, I'm so sick of it.

More stuff.

For starters, my brother's best friend was killed yesterday in a motorcycle crash, and he died in my brother's arms. I can't imagine how horrible this whole thing must be for him. My brother's locked himself up at his girlfriend's house since then, but hopefully he'll come home sometime this week so I can get a chance to see him.

I'm hanging out with this guy on Friday. His name's Freddie (which is a cute name- though it's kind of weird because my grandpa's name is Fred, one of my grandpa's brother's name is Fred, my great-grandfather's name was Fred...I don't know I always find it weird to meet someone that has the same name as someone in my family), and it's NOT a date. I'm not exactly ready to date yet, and I'm not too sure about the guy himself. He's a very cute guy from the pictures he's shown me, but...I don't know, there's something strange about him. We've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now, and he's really bad at maintaining a conversation in that medium. He's usually the one that texts me first, says hi, whats up, etc., I respond and ask him the same, he'll give me a one-lined answer, and then that'll be it. He won't respond again until the next day or so.

So that in itself is kind of strange.

Then out of nowhere he does the same thing last night, except actually manages to continually text me for a good hour, but STILL giving me only one-lined answers, and without asking for a response on my end. Eventually I just got bored with it and said I was going to go to bed, and then a few minutes later he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure, he said we'll talk more about it later. Today he texts me and we get the plans all arranged- we're going to hang on Friday night when he gets off work, we're going to see Cloverfield, he gave me his address so I can Mapquest it. So I'm thinking okay, cool, it at least gives me something to do.

So then he asks me if I can send him another picture of myself, so I do, just one of those cheesy camera-in-the-mirror face shots. Then he asks if I can send him a picture of myself shirtless. I don't really want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I'm hoping to hook up with him, and asking someone to see a shirtless picture kind of makes me feel like that's where he's leaning. He tells me it's not like that, he was just curious what my body looked like because in the face pic I sent him, I was wearing a wife beater and he said that I had "nice, toned shoulders". Random compliment, but hey I'll take it. So I say fine, I'll send him a harmless pic, no dropping the pants, just a picture of me in the mirror without a shirt. I warned him I'm hairy and haven't been to the gym in almost 7 months, so my body hasn't been looking its best lately. But he responded back and said I have a really nice body and he liked that it was kind of hairy.

I'm thinking to myself this entire time that he definitely is looking for a hook-up. Why else would you ask for a shirtless picture of someone that you're anticipating to hang out with if that's NOT what you're interested in? So I'm not sure how this is going to go down. Yes, he is extremely cute, but he hasn't exactly proved to be the most interesting person from our really pathetic text conversations, and if he tries to make a pass at me I'm going to tell him that I am definitely not looking for that. THEN to top it all off, he asked me if I could tell him how big my penis is.

...

Come on, that is a total red flag for hook-up interest. I told him that's something he doesn't need to know yet because we're not going to get to that point.

I think I ought to just cancel this thing altogether. I am really not looking for a hook-up right now, and Lord knows I would save gas money and money for the movie if I cancelled. I'll see what he says if he texts me later in the week and if he's still asking me questions like this, then I'm going to tell him I can't hang out with him.

This is what I hate about being single, is that I know for the next who-knows-how-long, I'm going to meet guys that are going to be so not what I'm looking for. Which obviously is what makes meeting that right person so special in the first place, but still- the process of going through a bunch of annoying dates to get to the person that you actually fall in love with is an irritating process. HJHfsdukhfsdjh fkjlsdh fsdjkghfuiohg djk. Is how I feel about that.

This is a really long entry, but I am bored at work and so I feel like rambling on a bit. Although now I have nothing to ramble about, so I suppose I'm done for now.

Don't keep me under surveillance

San Francisco in four days.

School starts in two weeks.

Planning Las Vegas for spring break.

Visiting Humboldt this summer.

Kauai with the family this summer.

2008 is going to be one busy year. Which is exactly what I need. I need to get away and take my mind off of things. I wish I didn't still think about him every minute. I'm past the point of crying about it, but there's still that longing that I feel, that feeling that one day he'll realize just how much I care for him and how good I am for him, and he'll come back to me. It won't happen, I knoww, but it's a feeling I can't help nonetheless.

Breaking up is so shitty. It almost makes me not want to get into another relationship. Which is a childish thing to say.

I've decided

I've decided that the time has come for me to step out of my comfort zone and make something interesting and rewarding out of my life. I realized the other night after having another self-pity party that right now, there's nothing holding me back here. There's nothing left for me here right now. I have my closest friends, of course, who will always be there, I have my family, also, and they will always be there. But there is no urgent need for me to stay right now. If anything, they probably want me to get up and get out and explore the world, for they understand how intelligent and how passionate I am, and they want to see me pursue those endeavors. They know my desires to travel and pursue my interests in history and in the world, and they want me to have the chance to do those things now, when the time is right and when I have the freedom to do them.

I've finally reached the point where I'm done holding back. I've realized that the reason I've been holding back, the reason I've been maintaining the status quo ever since graduation is because I've been scared. I've been scared of moving on, of placing myself in new and uncomfortable settings. But that's part of growing up, of gaining experience, of building up character. The other night when I was thinking about all this was finally my epiphany. I don't need to stay here anymore. Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I'm no longer finding excuses or reasons to stay behind while others move forward with their lives. I have to move forward as well.

So I've decided within the year I'm going to find some program where I can study abroad. Preferrably in Europe, of course, because I've always felt somewhat European at heart my entire life. Bizarre as that might sound. I feel going to Europe will truly develop my character and I'll truly discover who I am there. I'd prefer Spain, because the language barrier wouldn't be as difficult since I already speak a good amount of Spanish. I'd also like France, and the UK has always been a dreamhome of mine. Any of these places.

But I'm serious about this. Dead, 100% serious. I'm going to step up, I'm going to go for this, I'm going to work for this. I have to do it. Now is my chance.

New Year.

Wow, this is weird....it's the second new year post I've done in this blogger thing. It's just weird to think about how much things change within the span of a couple of years. From when I started this blog in July 2006, and here we are in January 2008. So much has happened, but I guess the most rewarding thing is that I truly do feel comfortable with myself. Even if things in my life aren't the way I want them to be, I at least know my own mind what it is I want, which is a large accomplishment for me considering I've spent many years feeling the exact opposite. It's all part of growing up, I suppose. It's interesting actually feeling like an adult though. Or at least starting to feel like an adult.

That's all I really have patience for writing right now. I'll return and discuss more of what's going on with me.