Thoughts.

I've been doing perhaps an unecessary amount of reflecting lately, but I feel like I've gotten myself into such an unattractive rut that going back and finding the source of it all is the best option. Thank God for Livejournal, seriously, because I've realized that since I started it back in the summer of 2003, it's been probably the only place where I can get an accurate view of how my life was and how I was personally during any given period of time. So in my down-time, I've been flipping through the archives of my original Livejournal account and my current account, and it's been interesting just seeing where my head was at and how things were going.

Senior year in particular was such a bizarre time for me. I felt like when I was a junior everything was so new and exciting, like that was really my first year where I began to grow up. I had my first romance (that wasn't with a girl and could therefore constitute itself as legit), I had my license, my car, first job, and really was the first time I felt independent and could do (for the most part, parents' curfew notwithstanding) what I wanted. But by senior year a lot of that naive luster had rubbed off, and my outlook became more cynical. My peers were annoying, my mom was trying to make my life miserable, I was single for pretty much the entire year which translated into I'm unattractive and alone- just really petty, typical teenage angst bullshit that I allowed myself to get caught up in.

And of course, it's only when you've removed yourself from it and you look back that you realize just how dumb you were. I started so many stupid fights, allowed myself to get mixed up in the gossip and politics of being a vapid, stupid high school student living in Santa Clarita, when in reality I should have just not given a fuck, had fun, enjoyed my friends, and ridden it all out as happily as possible. Overall, I really did enjoy high school. I look back on it with fond memories, and all the drama just sort of becomes funny and adds to those memories.

In reality, I had a great group of friends in high school. They weren't shallow, they didn't stress over popularity or cliques, they understood me and could relate to me in my quest to just do what I want and not care about what others thought. And sure, we were all stupid and all had our dumb teenage moments (because we were teenagers, oddly enough), but when it boiled down to the core, we were all a pretty unique breed of teenager. We were sure of ourselves, for the most part, and we didn't need to subject ourselves to the trite shit that our classmates were doing. While you were hanging out at the mall buying up racks of Hollister or Abercrombie, we were using Brittany Oliphant's video camera to make movies where we just ran around screaming, tackling each other, and using five or six different accents in a five-minute span. While you were going off to Nike Base in your boyfriend's lifted truck smoking out or making out, we were having motorhome parties on the way to Disneyland. While you were having sleepovers and talking shit about this bitch or that bitch and then making Myspace posts about it, we were taking pictures of ourselves making ugly faces and making Myspace posts about THAT.



The point was, we knew how to have fun in our own way and didn't feel the need to do shit that would eventually turn us into the skanky soccer moms and wannabe-bro dads that populate this fucking town. I think, even in the face of all the drama that might have happened and the times when we DID act like typical teenagers, our experiences together and our ability to just let loose and be ourselves has made us richer and stronger than anyone else we went to high school with. I really want all my friends to know just how much of an impact they had on me, and how much they helped me get to where I am now, because I feel more assured of myself and more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have before. I owe a huge part of it to my friends, for encouraging me and dragging me out of my shell to become who I am today.

Tra la la la la la la....poop.

How about we stop for two seconds with the months flying by? Hmmm? November is going to be over in four days...I don't even remember this month beginning and now it's come and gone.

So I suppose everything is pretty dandy. I'm just a bit stressed out over money at the moment- with starting over at the new hotel our paychecks kind of got screwed up, I had to register for school last week and will have to pay for that, on top of my other monthly bills, overdrew my bank account last week (big ouch). Not so good in that department, especially considering I have TWO paychecks left before Christmas. So I'll be trying to work a lot and get plenty of overtime for the next few weeks.

Otherwise, things are well. I'm trying to keep busy with school, and planning holiday things. Like the Christmas dinner. I'm busy making invitations, trying to convince my mom to let us have it at our house (if not, then we'll do it at Brittany's, which is always fun), trying to decide what food we want to make for it, then eventually getting decorations for it. I love planning parties, it truly is one of my favorite things in life. :)

What else....at our Thanksgiving last Sunday my aunt Dede said we could have Christmas Eve over at their house this year, because my mom is tired of having it at our house (since 2001, Christmas Eve has been at our house every year EXCEPT in 2004. And we didn't make tamales that year, which caused a huge scandal in the family haha). Me personally, I can understand my mom wanting a break from having it at our house, being the one who has to do the housecleaning, the cooking, etc etc., but I think that when I'm older and have my own house and my kids and stuff, I won't mind having Christmas all the time at my house. Mostly because I'm a control freak when it comes to parties or gatherings and I like having them in my domain so I can keep them under my organization haha. I'm a freak, I know.

I had dinner last night with Ms. Amanda Critser, whom I have not seen since my birthday party, four months ago. Kind of sad that it's been four months since I've seen my best friend of the past fourteen years, but the good thing is we go right back to where we left off.I wonder what the agenda is for New Year's, if we're going to have a big bash like we did last year at Annie's house, or if everyone's doing their own thing. It doesn't really matter to me what I do, as long as I'm with Brandon and Brittany, haha.

Work is so boring. It's my sixth day in a row of work, thankfully I'm off the next two consecutive days, but today is just dragging. It's not busy and we're just standing around. Lames. I want to play with Brittany. :(

Novemberrrrr.

Well, it's finally November. I can't believe how quickly 2007 has passed by; then again that's exactly what I thought about 2006 and 2005, so I suppose that's just the way life is. Still, it only seems like the other day when we were partying and ringing in the new year at Annie's house...while Sean Lay was puking his guts out in her bathroom...and then a month and a half later I met Brandon and everything changed. I know it sounds cliche to say that he changed my life, but he really did. Looking back at how I felt, how I thought a year before that, I can see a complete difference. I don't know, I just feel more...peaceful, maybe? Maybe more at ease with myself? I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the way I feel now more than before.

So this Saturday will be one year since my aunt passed away. The past few days I've been thinking a lot about it, about how crazy everything was this exact time last year, and I think it just adds to the feeling that things have changed and gone for the better, knowing that even though it still hurts my family has learned to recover and to grow from all of this. The other night at dinner my mom was talking about the day she died and how she found out about it, so obviously she's healed a lot since she's able to talk about it now. Everything always works out, and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that.