There's something bizarre about knowing what you know, and having to experience that at the same time. It's funny, life. How the saddest things can reverse themselves into some joy you never quite expected.
I don't quite understand how I work. I'm a classic Cancer in every sense- overly sensitive, fiercely protective of those I love, but guarded and incredibly withdrawn when it comes to my emotions. I believe that full-heartedly. I'm extremely protective of my family right now- of my mom, of my grandparents- but I don't quite know how to let myself handle it. I know what will happen. I won't think about it, I'll just focus on getting my family through it before finally breaking down and throwing myself into a complete chaotic mess. But then again that's how I've always been.
This is the most difficult time my family's had in six years. Damn work and damn that we're packed next weekend and damn that two other people requested next Saturday off because I can't go with my mom and my sister to my aunt's house. My mom says we'll be going at least once a month, so the next trip should be in a few weeks after that, but still. I have to be there every moment, I have to involve myself completely, because when it comes to my family that's just what I've always done. Since I was a child I was he unofficial chairman of coordination for this family. Whenever there was some emergency, all the adults looked to me as the one to get the cousins all organized, because in reality I truly was the big brother to everyone in my family. That's how my role has always been. My older sister was never in charge, I always was. And I know that's my sense of duty to my family even to this day. My mom wishes I would back off sometimes because she fears I stretch myself too thin, but that's an impossible task to ask of me. I can't sit back when things are going awry, I have to step in and become that big brother I've always been.
So, another event has come where I need to continue that role, a role that I'll continue doing until my dying day.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Hmmm.
I wonder, what happens if you decide to change the way you look at someone over something you're not sure of? But not in a bad way. In a way that you wouldn't expect, because they're not what you expected. But how do I know that I'm not what they expected? Why do I feel like they have a notion already in their mind of what I am? Which isn't fair to me because they don't, but still. Maybe on the outside and maybe from what they know of me, I seem like everyone else. I seem like the others. But I don't think I am, and I feel like I could be something unexpected.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Oh, you know. Life.
Seems like anytime some things are going well, there's got to be one incident that comes along and puts a damper on things.
Things in my family are strange right now. My aunt has been sick with the tumor in her head since the beginning of this year, but over the past few months it seemed like her condition was getting slightly better, or at least staying fairly constant. Then last week she got worse. My mom went to visit her, and was basically told that the doctors don't think she'll recover from this. Five months of heavy chemo still hasn't shrunk the mass in her brain, and it's completely destroyed the vision in her right eye. Then she is put on a feeding tube. Thursday night I went to visit her and had to try my absolute hardest to not cry in front of my family. Why? I don't know. I just can't. I can't cry in front of my mom, because I've always been the most adult of my siblings, I've always been the solid, composed one when it's come to family deaths and such events, that if I let my mom see me upset I think she'll just lose it, as if she's not emotionally jumbled enough. Then Friday morning she has to go into emergency surgery because that feeding tube apparently wasn't in her stomach, it was pumping crap into her abdomen and through her blood stream and basically gave her blood poisoning. So mind you, Friday afternoon she almost DIED from all this. My grandparents are staying at my house this weekend, and this morning my uncle calls around 5 am because my aunt started going into some kind of body shock because her blood has been so screwed up.
Obviously the main priority is my aunt's health and whether she's actually going to live at this point, but let me just say that I smell a big fat lawsuit for the hospital when all this settles.
Before I left for work today I could tell my mom was ready to lose it. I know how she gets when she's reached her wit's end, and I knew she was just on the verge of completely breaking down. It's so hard. My aunt told my mom the other day that she wasn't worried about what happened to herself, but she was terrified for her kids and she told my mom if anything happens that she needs to take care of them for her. Yeah, like that's not enough to make you want to cry. But today when I talked to my mom before work she told me that my aunt's kids are what's frightening her the most. My cousins are only 16 and 15, they were home-schooled by my aunt since they were little. They only started going to public school once my aunt got sick, so obviously this past year has been a huge, unbelievable change for them. My uncle is three years older than my grandfather, so clearly he doesn't have much time left for him, and (God forbid) if something does happen and my aunt does end up dying, what's going to happen to my cousins? Their dad is far too old to go on for much longer to raise two teenage kids, and...God. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what's happening. My mom said she feels like she's losing her family. If my aunt goes, then my uncle probably won't last much longer because he'll be so devastated by that. My grandfather, who got himself worried sick when my brother just had to go get his appendix taken out, just to give you a point of reference as to how worrisome he is, will probably not even be able to handle his daughter's death. He will probably make himself deathly sick over it. My grandmother, who has never showed an ounce of emotion in her entire life, will probably snap over this.
I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all these what if scenarios, but it's a frightening time. My family drives me nuts- they're big, they're loud, everyone's got to be up in everyone's business, they're melodramatic, they love causing drama and making scenes- but nevertheless they're my family and if anything happened to any of them, I don't know if I could take it. Even if I've always been the strong one, the one that always fought to keep things together during the countless moments of drama within the Meza family, I don't know if I can compete against death. I feel like that's where I'll reach my limit, and that when someone in my family does die, I'll lose that limit and just crumble.
Things in my family are strange right now. My aunt has been sick with the tumor in her head since the beginning of this year, but over the past few months it seemed like her condition was getting slightly better, or at least staying fairly constant. Then last week she got worse. My mom went to visit her, and was basically told that the doctors don't think she'll recover from this. Five months of heavy chemo still hasn't shrunk the mass in her brain, and it's completely destroyed the vision in her right eye. Then she is put on a feeding tube. Thursday night I went to visit her and had to try my absolute hardest to not cry in front of my family. Why? I don't know. I just can't. I can't cry in front of my mom, because I've always been the most adult of my siblings, I've always been the solid, composed one when it's come to family deaths and such events, that if I let my mom see me upset I think she'll just lose it, as if she's not emotionally jumbled enough. Then Friday morning she has to go into emergency surgery because that feeding tube apparently wasn't in her stomach, it was pumping crap into her abdomen and through her blood stream and basically gave her blood poisoning. So mind you, Friday afternoon she almost DIED from all this. My grandparents are staying at my house this weekend, and this morning my uncle calls around 5 am because my aunt started going into some kind of body shock because her blood has been so screwed up.
Obviously the main priority is my aunt's health and whether she's actually going to live at this point, but let me just say that I smell a big fat lawsuit for the hospital when all this settles.
Before I left for work today I could tell my mom was ready to lose it. I know how she gets when she's reached her wit's end, and I knew she was just on the verge of completely breaking down. It's so hard. My aunt told my mom the other day that she wasn't worried about what happened to herself, but she was terrified for her kids and she told my mom if anything happens that she needs to take care of them for her. Yeah, like that's not enough to make you want to cry. But today when I talked to my mom before work she told me that my aunt's kids are what's frightening her the most. My cousins are only 16 and 15, they were home-schooled by my aunt since they were little. They only started going to public school once my aunt got sick, so obviously this past year has been a huge, unbelievable change for them. My uncle is three years older than my grandfather, so clearly he doesn't have much time left for him, and (God forbid) if something does happen and my aunt does end up dying, what's going to happen to my cousins? Their dad is far too old to go on for much longer to raise two teenage kids, and...God. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what's happening. My mom said she feels like she's losing her family. If my aunt goes, then my uncle probably won't last much longer because he'll be so devastated by that. My grandfather, who got himself worried sick when my brother just had to go get his appendix taken out, just to give you a point of reference as to how worrisome he is, will probably not even be able to handle his daughter's death. He will probably make himself deathly sick over it. My grandmother, who has never showed an ounce of emotion in her entire life, will probably snap over this.
I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all these what if scenarios, but it's a frightening time. My family drives me nuts- they're big, they're loud, everyone's got to be up in everyone's business, they're melodramatic, they love causing drama and making scenes- but nevertheless they're my family and if anything happened to any of them, I don't know if I could take it. Even if I've always been the strong one, the one that always fought to keep things together during the countless moments of drama within the Meza family, I don't know if I can compete against death. I feel like that's where I'll reach my limit, and that when someone in my family does die, I'll lose that limit and just crumble.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Should've come with a party rap so I know where the night will take me.
Let me say this- going to a party, having a couple of drinks and then being at work at 6 am is not exactly my idea of a good time.
But last night was rather fun. I think it's hilarious that most of my co-workers were surprised at how loud and energetic I was, since at work I'm reserved and all. Stephanie, Charles and Mandy were certainly not surprised in the least, but everyone else seemed to find this other side of my personality amusing.
Only two weeks away from the busiest month that I will have had in a long time. Let's just map a few things out-
Oct 12- Knott's Scary Farm
Oct 13- Alyse's birthday, aka sleepover at Lauren's apartment the night before Disneyland
Oct 14- Disneyland for Alyse's birthday with the Posse
Oct 21 or 22- Lombardi's with the Posse
Oct 25- My brother's birthday
Oct 27- Seeing The Grudge 2 with Carly
Oct 28- Lauren and Brittany's parties....I'll be busy party hoppin' on that night
Oct 31- Halloween, obviously...I will probably have to work since Stephanie and Candice requested it off, but afterwards it's over to Lauren's house for Hocus Pocus/Dracula/Frankenstein (the original black and white ones) movie night
As you can see, many events, so little time. Plus I have to squeeze in the typical ho-hum of work and school. In all, definitely looking forward to it.
Last night before going to Hootaf's party I was with my family visiting my aunt in the hospital. First time I've seen her since March, when she started the chemo, so needless to say I was shocked when I saw her. Bald, with a feeding tube....yeah, was not pretty. I had to leave the room a few times, just too much to handle. My mom almost had another nervous breakdown. Oy.
But last night was rather fun. I think it's hilarious that most of my co-workers were surprised at how loud and energetic I was, since at work I'm reserved and all. Stephanie, Charles and Mandy were certainly not surprised in the least, but everyone else seemed to find this other side of my personality amusing.
Only two weeks away from the busiest month that I will have had in a long time. Let's just map a few things out-
Oct 12- Knott's Scary Farm
Oct 13- Alyse's birthday, aka sleepover at Lauren's apartment the night before Disneyland
Oct 14- Disneyland for Alyse's birthday with the Posse
Oct 21 or 22- Lombardi's with the Posse
Oct 25- My brother's birthday
Oct 27- Seeing The Grudge 2 with Carly
Oct 28- Lauren and Brittany's parties....I'll be busy party hoppin' on that night
Oct 31- Halloween, obviously...I will probably have to work since Stephanie and Candice requested it off, but afterwards it's over to Lauren's house for Hocus Pocus/Dracula/Frankenstein (the original black and white ones) movie night
As you can see, many events, so little time. Plus I have to squeeze in the typical ho-hum of work and school. In all, definitely looking forward to it.
Last night before going to Hootaf's party I was with my family visiting my aunt in the hospital. First time I've seen her since March, when she started the chemo, so needless to say I was shocked when I saw her. Bald, with a feeding tube....yeah, was not pretty. I had to leave the room a few times, just too much to handle. My mom almost had another nervous breakdown. Oy.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Something 'side of me
Yes, I have heard it.
The new Girls Aloud single. "Something Kinda Ooh". I was a tad skeptical about the title, thinking maybe they've gone a bit TOO off the deep end (this coming from the same group that unleashed "Love Machine" and "Biology", two of the most bizarre pop singles of the past five year), but sure enough my doubts were rescued the moment "I've got to heat it up" starts screaming out of my speakers. GOD. Why do they have to continue being SO FUCKING GOOD???????????? Something kinda ooh jumping on my tutu???? How can one come up with this? Is it anywhere as remotely brilliant as "Biology"? Definitely not. Does it still put 95% of current pop songs to comlpete shit? Absolutely.
Also!
Jamelia's hopefully forthcoming single "Beware Of the Dog" is utterly fantastic. It samples Depeche Mode (!), almost like Rihanna sampled Soft Cell for "SOS", but herein lies the difference. Rihanna- sings like a whiny 7-year-old (however good "SOS" might have been). Jamelia- sings like a sexy chick in her mid-20s. Which is exactly what Jamelia is, a chick in her mid-20s. Fancy that, eh? Either way, the part where she goes "you better reach out and touch me" would have been SO better if she had actually sang "you beter reach out and touch faith" like the Depeche tune it takes a rip from.
So let's sum things up....
Summer 2006 was SHIT for pop music. SHIT. Fall 2006 is BRILLIANT for pop music. BRILLIANT. Here is the proof-
1. Justin Timberlake drops "SexyBack".
2. Beyonce realizes "Deja Vu" sucked vulture testes and instead switched to "Ring the Alarm".
3. Girls Aloud's new single. AND forthcoming greatest hits album.
4. Sugababes will ALSO be dropping a hits CD and their new single "Easy" within the next month or so.
5. Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog".
It's just like fall/winter of 2005, when Rachel Stevens, Sugababes and Girls Aloud ALL had new albums out and life in pop-dom was getting back to normal. Then upstarts like Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson had to fuck it all up.
The new Girls Aloud single. "Something Kinda Ooh". I was a tad skeptical about the title, thinking maybe they've gone a bit TOO off the deep end (this coming from the same group that unleashed "Love Machine" and "Biology", two of the most bizarre pop singles of the past five year), but sure enough my doubts were rescued the moment "I've got to heat it up" starts screaming out of my speakers. GOD. Why do they have to continue being SO FUCKING GOOD???????????? Something kinda ooh jumping on my tutu???? How can one come up with this? Is it anywhere as remotely brilliant as "Biology"? Definitely not. Does it still put 95% of current pop songs to comlpete shit? Absolutely.
Also!
Jamelia's hopefully forthcoming single "Beware Of the Dog" is utterly fantastic. It samples Depeche Mode (!), almost like Rihanna sampled Soft Cell for "SOS", but herein lies the difference. Rihanna- sings like a whiny 7-year-old (however good "SOS" might have been). Jamelia- sings like a sexy chick in her mid-20s. Which is exactly what Jamelia is, a chick in her mid-20s. Fancy that, eh? Either way, the part where she goes "you better reach out and touch me" would have been SO better if she had actually sang "you beter reach out and touch faith" like the Depeche tune it takes a rip from.
So let's sum things up....
Summer 2006 was SHIT for pop music. SHIT. Fall 2006 is BRILLIANT for pop music. BRILLIANT. Here is the proof-
1. Justin Timberlake drops "SexyBack".
2. Beyonce realizes "Deja Vu" sucked vulture testes and instead switched to "Ring the Alarm".
3. Girls Aloud's new single. AND forthcoming greatest hits album.
4. Sugababes will ALSO be dropping a hits CD and their new single "Easy" within the next month or so.
5. Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog".
It's just like fall/winter of 2005, when Rachel Stevens, Sugababes and Girls Aloud ALL had new albums out and life in pop-dom was getting back to normal. Then upstarts like Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson had to fuck it all up.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Find yourself a girl and settle down.
I'm very good. Yes, very good. I don't like the word good, but I think it sums up quite nicely.
Favorite band of the moment- The Raconteurs. Genius. Jack White is a flippin' genius.
On somewhat of a side note, but not really because it's a good (that word again!) thought, I've been hanging out with Annie way more than we have since high school. Pretty much since the day Brittany and I drove up to her and Karin's apartment we've been talking on a routine basis, and I've seen her at least three times in the past month. Labor Day weekend was the kick-back at her place, then last weekend was Karin's birthday dinner, then last night I went to Denny's with her, Bo, Pappas, Ashley and Watanab. Then this Friday I'll probably drive up and spend the night at their apartment. That excites me, because for a while my opinion of Annie was rather sketchy. I thought she was a lot less fun, a lot more pretentious and worried over her image, but I realized she's still got that same spunk to her and she truly does care about her friends. I'm glad we've become close again, and I hope this continues. I think that's strange, that when she actually moves out of Santa Clarita, her and I actually become closer. Plus I love Bo. I think he's awesome, and I think he is good for Annie.
Haven't talked in about a week. Which is fine, because I'm still not in the mood to be go-hun buddies quite yet. I'm disappointed that our friendship has taken a hit over this, because that's one thing I've never wanted to happen, but I guess it serves to prove a point. I'm more than fine with how things are turning out in all departments, so that's a good thing. DAMMIT I said good again.
Favorite band of the moment- The Raconteurs. Genius. Jack White is a flippin' genius.
On somewhat of a side note, but not really because it's a good (that word again!) thought, I've been hanging out with Annie way more than we have since high school. Pretty much since the day Brittany and I drove up to her and Karin's apartment we've been talking on a routine basis, and I've seen her at least three times in the past month. Labor Day weekend was the kick-back at her place, then last weekend was Karin's birthday dinner, then last night I went to Denny's with her, Bo, Pappas, Ashley and Watanab. Then this Friday I'll probably drive up and spend the night at their apartment. That excites me, because for a while my opinion of Annie was rather sketchy. I thought she was a lot less fun, a lot more pretentious and worried over her image, but I realized she's still got that same spunk to her and she truly does care about her friends. I'm glad we've become close again, and I hope this continues. I think that's strange, that when she actually moves out of Santa Clarita, her and I actually become closer. Plus I love Bo. I think he's awesome, and I think he is good for Annie.
Haven't talked in about a week. Which is fine, because I'm still not in the mood to be go-hun buddies quite yet. I'm disappointed that our friendship has taken a hit over this, because that's one thing I've never wanted to happen, but I guess it serves to prove a point. I'm more than fine with how things are turning out in all departments, so that's a good thing. DAMMIT I said good again.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Would be nice.
If I were an asshole, I would be snickering and feeling fairly good about all of this. But I'm not, and so I'm not...or something of that nature.
Of course I'm not happy about it, because he's obviously been hurt. How can I be smiling when he's upset? Still, there is a slight case of Hate to Say I Told You So wrapped up in all of this. Believe me, you don't need to tell me twice that I didn't see all of this coming. I think I can give my instincts a pat on the back for having a hunch that this would go slightly wrong, but does that make me feel any better?
No.
Because it doesn't change the fact that some other hand of cards was ready to be played. Sure, I could call full house and reap my rewards, but deep down I know I'm not capable.
But surprisingly, I was fine when I became familiar with the situation. The outcome of it all made it slightly easier to stomach, but even the details of what went on BEFORE this happened weren't exactly devastating. I promised myself that I had reached my limits, and I think I'm sticking to that promise.
Not to give myself an ego boost, but if history is a telling reminder then I can probably expect an attempt at regaining my interests. And I honestly can say that if that situation does occur, I will smile politely and say 'no, thanks'. Deep down I love him and only wish he could see how happy I'd make him, but it's the fact that there was something else in his mind that looked slightly more appealing instead of me, and the fact that it blew up in his face. I can't bring myself to return the favor for someone who chose something else over me. I can't do that to myself, and if pride is a bitch, then hell I'll take pride all the way to town. Because at this point, my pride is all I've got left, and I'll be damned if something stomps all over it.
Of course I'm not happy about it, because he's obviously been hurt. How can I be smiling when he's upset? Still, there is a slight case of Hate to Say I Told You So wrapped up in all of this. Believe me, you don't need to tell me twice that I didn't see all of this coming. I think I can give my instincts a pat on the back for having a hunch that this would go slightly wrong, but does that make me feel any better?
No.
Because it doesn't change the fact that some other hand of cards was ready to be played. Sure, I could call full house and reap my rewards, but deep down I know I'm not capable.
But surprisingly, I was fine when I became familiar with the situation. The outcome of it all made it slightly easier to stomach, but even the details of what went on BEFORE this happened weren't exactly devastating. I promised myself that I had reached my limits, and I think I'm sticking to that promise.
Not to give myself an ego boost, but if history is a telling reminder then I can probably expect an attempt at regaining my interests. And I honestly can say that if that situation does occur, I will smile politely and say 'no, thanks'. Deep down I love him and only wish he could see how happy I'd make him, but it's the fact that there was something else in his mind that looked slightly more appealing instead of me, and the fact that it blew up in his face. I can't bring myself to return the favor for someone who chose something else over me. I can't do that to myself, and if pride is a bitch, then hell I'll take pride all the way to town. Because at this point, my pride is all I've got left, and I'll be damned if something stomps all over it.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Pun.
For some reason today feels backwards. But I like it, I have to admit. Not the day I expected to have...hell, not even the night I expected to have, but I guess that's just been the name of the game for these 24 hours.
I'm still smarting over his phone call last night. I don't understand it...why did he say that? Why did he tell me to not call him for a few days? He should've just called, said good night....or not even called at all, because Lord knows he's done that 10,000 times and I've gotten used to it by now. But no. He called, said 'I wanted to call you back because I said I would', and then says 'Please don't call me for a few days, I'll call you." Naturally, I'm going to ask why. Outrageous? No. And he refuses to tell me. So now I don't know whether it's because of something I did or something that happened to him last night that just makes him not want to talk to anyone, period.
Point is, if you're going to say something like that, TELL ME why, or just do me a favor and don't tell me at all. It's not like we have to talk EVERYDAY, so why don't you just not call me for a couple of days?
I don't know. But I am so done with all of this, even though I know it's the hundredth time I've said it. I just don't know how much more I can do. First the whole Jeremy thing, now this, all within a span of two days. Maybe this is why I need to just swear off getting involved with guys altogether. I was doing good for a while, and now I am just in a fat smelly mess.
I'm still smarting over his phone call last night. I don't understand it...why did he say that? Why did he tell me to not call him for a few days? He should've just called, said good night....or not even called at all, because Lord knows he's done that 10,000 times and I've gotten used to it by now. But no. He called, said 'I wanted to call you back because I said I would', and then says 'Please don't call me for a few days, I'll call you." Naturally, I'm going to ask why. Outrageous? No. And he refuses to tell me. So now I don't know whether it's because of something I did or something that happened to him last night that just makes him not want to talk to anyone, period.
Point is, if you're going to say something like that, TELL ME why, or just do me a favor and don't tell me at all. It's not like we have to talk EVERYDAY, so why don't you just not call me for a couple of days?
I don't know. But I am so done with all of this, even though I know it's the hundredth time I've said it. I just don't know how much more I can do. First the whole Jeremy thing, now this, all within a span of two days. Maybe this is why I need to just swear off getting involved with guys altogether. I was doing good for a while, and now I am just in a fat smelly mess.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Pissed off.
I'M PISSED.
Why?
BECAUSE.
Hmmm, what? Mark's upset about this? Why would he do that? Mark, why are you being an asshole to me tonight?
OH I WONDER FUCKING WHY????
Hey pal, maybe if you got your dick straight and figured out exactly what it is you fucking want, things would be slightly better.
I still don't get how you can't understand why I'm pissed. Why? WHY? I think it's pretty fucking obvious, about as obvious as a hooker on Wilshire on Saturday night. Don't play dumb with me, and don't try to talk your way out of it. Just know that I'm PISSED and you're the reason why.
By the way do me a huge fucking favor and don't tell me anything else about this. Unless you want emasculation to go on your list of adventures for 2006.
Why?
BECAUSE.
Hmmm, what? Mark's upset about this? Why would he do that? Mark, why are you being an asshole to me tonight?
OH I WONDER FUCKING WHY????
Hey pal, maybe if you got your dick straight and figured out exactly what it is you fucking want, things would be slightly better.
I still don't get how you can't understand why I'm pissed. Why? WHY? I think it's pretty fucking obvious, about as obvious as a hooker on Wilshire on Saturday night. Don't play dumb with me, and don't try to talk your way out of it. Just know that I'm PISSED and you're the reason why.
By the way do me a huge fucking favor and don't tell me anything else about this. Unless you want emasculation to go on your list of adventures for 2006.
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