Thoughts on a Sunday

I've been thinking a lot about someone lately and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I would say it's more of a nostalgia rather than any kind of longing or hopefullness. Which shouldn't be surprising, as I am a person that is very keen on memory, but it's kind of making me feel bizarre. I don't think I'd ever go out of my way to get in touch with this person, though. Just sort of keep it to my head.

So

The good news is, tonight is my last night doing graveyard shift. Praise the Lord.

In other news, I have a Disneyland annual pass now. Possibly the greatest investment I've made this year.

In other other news, I am still dating the guy I mentioned previously. Things are getting a bit hectic with both of our schedules, so that sometimes makes it hard. But each time we meet up with each other it feels like things are going well. Just continuing to see how it goes.

In other other other news, I want it to be summer. Sorta. Kinda.

So

The good news is, my life is going to somewhat get back to normal very soon, because I won't have to do graveyard shifts on Friday and Saturday nights within the next couple of weeks.

Thank the Lord. I'll have a life again.

Thoughts.

How do you draw the line between sensibility and just throwing caution to the wind? Sometimes you have to make that distinction - that sometimes you just have to bow to reason and accept a situation for what it is, but what do you do when your head and your heart are both nagging you in different directions? I'm not quite at this crossroad yet, but if things continue going in this manner, I know I'll have to make a decision.

So what do you do? What if the current circumstances are telling you that practically and rationally, maybe this just isn't going to work out right now? But what if your emotions are telling you that there's got to be a better reason to walk away from this? Busy schedules can make things complicated, but things like that can be worked out, can't they?

I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see how things go, and when it gets to that point then we'll address it.

New year...about a month late.

As some of you are probably aware by now, it's 2009. I'm about a month late in discussing the happenings of the new year, but, life happens.

The new year started off on a fun note, good drunk times with friends at the Oliphant house. Always a blast.

Surprise, surprise, it's a new year and I've already met a new guy, Andy. The first, even second time, that I hung out with him I wasn't too sure about us being anything more than friends. We clicked almost immediately in terms of our mutual interests and the nature of our conversations, but I just wasn't too sure about our chemistry. We've talked much more, online and on the phone, and hung out a handful of times throughout this month, and as a result I've started to feel more of an attraction to him. We're both trying to take things very slow at this point, though, so we'll see how things develop over the coming months and if this ends up becoming something more romantic or just something platonic.

I should be hearing from the schools I applied to in the next month or so; my fingers are crossed hardcore on that. I'm also going to Las Vegas in February with my parents, the twins and my grandparents for my sister's volleyball tournament. That should be a nice weekend get-away.

Also, I finally have a Disneyland season pass, so we can expect numerous excursions to the Maigc Kingdom throughout the year. The season pass is also scoring me a free tag-along to the twins' 17th birthday (17...holy mother of Jesus...) on April 21st, which I am quite excited about.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of for now.

War

Come crush me now, don't leave...

No one has won this war this time...

No, don't sleep tonight, alert and ready for fire

Don't leave me up all armed and ready to die...

Come on, it's war, come on

Come on, come on, come on

Come on, it's war, come on...

Please, I'm almost done

Don't retreat...I've unloaded my gun with blood

Why must you sleep?

Come crush me now, I'm armed and ready to die...

Come on, it's war, come on

Come on, come on, come on

Come on, fight me, come on

Come on, it's war, come on...

Heh.

It seems like I'm only updating once a month in this thing. But since Brittany nor Melissa nor Kenna update theirs very often, it doesn't leave me motivation to update mine either.

Anyway, Christmas is a week from today, though I consider my actual Christmas to be on Christmas Eve, therefore making it less than a week. Saturday afternoon we're putting together all the tamales, so on the 24th all we have to do is just toss them onto the stove and cook them. But we usually leave about a dozen that we actually put together on Christmas, since preparing the tamales a week before is considering cheating from the original traditions of my great-grandmother. Then again, if we were going to be sticklers about abiding by her traditions we'd all have to pray in front of a makeshift altar for about 2 hours. I think we're fine with just skipping that.

Getting ready for Christmas is fun. It's keeping me busy, and it's just nice to spend some extra time with the family. Work is all right, and I'm taking winter session so my winter break shall be a bit shorter. But Brittany and I are going beach camping at Carpinteria in January, which should result in two days of pure relaxation.

When I posted on here in October I talked about how I was playing the field, but all that has since blown over. James and I never went anywhere beyond texting, and I've gotten over my crush on Brian, though he's a great friend and we're trying to find time in our schedules to hang out. I'd like to meet some guys, but I'm sort of tired with meeting them over the Internet and I don't really care to go out to bars or parties. Oh well, I'll just focus on school and work and friends and family. Can't go wrong with that.

The haps.

1. Last time I posted I was "playing the field", so to speak. Nothing's really happening right now with anyone, which is fine. I'm just living and that's what counts.

2. Been working crazy hours at work...such as right now. Pulling graveyard shifts on Friday and Saturday nights. Downside- well, obviously doing a graveyard shift and the fact that it kills a lot of my weekend plans. Upside- it's $10.50 an hour during these shifts, as opposed to $9 an hour when I'm working regular daytime hours. Not a great difference but appreciated nevertheless.

3. The holidays are coming up. I'm hoping they'll be good, I think they'll be uneventful however. Same old stuff, which is fine.

4. Overall, life is all right. Nothing particularly noteworthy about it, but I'm having good times here and there, and nothing is particularly causing me stress (other than our hours at work have gotten cut and I'm fairly broke, but my grandparents have been sending me money which I can't be more grateful for). So I'm just doing my thing, trying to finish up school and transfer. 2009 might be a pretty hectic year for me, which I'm looking forward to.

Hello kids

Been a while since I made an actual update...but hi. Same old shennanigans going on here- school, work, being thankful that I have a job and am able to make my own money in this shit-tastic economy. Overall, nothing to complain about. Nothing to report home to, either, as in nothing exciting is really happening at the moment. Well, maybe not entirely true, as there are a couple of interesting developments with regard to my dating life. Let's review, shall we?

Number one, my situation with Brian. I do have a bit of a crush on Brian, I find him attractive and he's a fun guy to hang out with. I think my interest in him is starting to wane a bit, admittedly. Maybe it's because I'm sort of bored with trying to figure out the mixed signals I think he's sending. That could be it. Or maybe I just realize that though he is attractive (and let me tell you, the guy is a fox) and we do get along splendidly, maybe that spark just really isn't there. Nothing wrong with that, if anything he's become a great new friend since we got in contact again...now that I'm thinking more about it, it's becoming a bit more clear to me how I feel about him. It's totally fun to flirt with him, that I won't deny, but I think it probably is better to stay the "just friends" course on this one.

Now, number two. Recently, I've been talking with James, a guy that I went to high school with but haven't seen nor talked to since....well, since freshman year I believe. Melissa, Ashlee, Carly and myself were in the same math class with James our freshman year. Even though back then I definitely was in major self-denial about being attracted to guys, I do remember thinking he was cute. Melissa had a little crush on him too, which makes this quite amusing. Anyway, he added me on Myspace sometime last week, and I remembered him and was a bit surprised about it. So we started messaging back and forth, and after doing that for a couple of days we exchanged numbers and have since gone on to texting. It's pretty random, considering I've been trying to sort out this Brian situation since we all went to Knott's two weeks ago, but it's still kind of fun. From his Myspace pictures, James is still as cute as he was back in high school, and he does seem like a nice guy (it's been seven, almost eight years since I last talked to him, so it's practically like meeting a new person), so we'll see what happens. We're planning to meet up and hang sometime this week, so...let's just see how things play out.

Gosh I'm such a player these days...one guy to the next. Brian, Joey, now James. Oh well, I'm 22 years old, I'm single, and I'm not having sex with any of these guys so I'm not being a big manwhore over here. Just playing the field, keeping my options open.

In other news, Halloween is next week (!!!!) and Brittany's party is in five days (!!!!), which promises to be a grand old time like every year. Quite excited.

Though I believe in love, tell me can anything last forever?

Everything he does, better than anything ordinary
Everything he wants, he gets, 'cause everything he does is kind of necessary
Though I believe in love, tell me can anything last forever?
If life can live up to love, with my hand on my heart and I'm saying never

You're gonna make me, make me love you
Nothing at all, nothing that I do
The promise I made, promise I made
Is starting to fade, starting to fade
You're gonna make me, make me love you
Nothing at all, that I cannot do
The promise I made, promise I made
Is starting to fade, starting to fade

In other interesting news...

I went down to Hollywood last night on a motorcycle at 115 miles per hour.

Quite possibly the scariest/most fun thing I've done all summer.

You say I must eat so many lemons, 'cause I am so bitter

...I said, 'I'd rather be with your friends mate, 'cause they are all fitter'

God I fucking love that song right now.

Anyway.

Game plan for the next year or so...

August - December : Classes at COC and Pierce, living at home still.

December - June : Living in Tehachapi.

Sometime next summer (still don't know exact dates) : Going to Spain.

Fall 2009 : Moving to Orange County and attending either Cal State Fullerton or Fullerton Community College to transfer to Cal State Fullerton.

Sounds like a plan. Finally time to get out of here. I've sort of reached my limits, I guess you could say. I want to start a rock band and just DFSHFHDGUDFGHZUDGHZDUI GHZDFUI GHUI GHDUIGHZDFYUGHZDUIGHD. Fucking vent everything out. I have a lot of bullshit angst right now.

So

Yep.

I'm over your lies,and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,and I pick up the phone.
And then you be telling me I know you're not alone.
Thats why- your eyes, I'm over it. Your smile, I'm over it.
Realized I'm over it, I'm over it, I'm over..
Wanting you to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,because I'm so over..
Moving on, its my time.
You never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit, but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

One of the most beautiful songs ever.

Bjork "All Is Full of Love"

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at
Twist your head around

It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you
All is full of love
You just ain't receiving

All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love!

Be the little angel
All is full of love, all is full of love
All is full of love, all is full of love ...

Hi everyone

And by everyone I mean Melissa and Brittany since they are the only ones who read it.

I'm doing really good right now. In spite of everything that happened last week with my family and all, I think it's going to have a good outcome. My dad's making good progress, so that's always a plus. But overall I'm just feeling really good about life and about myself.

I decided I'm not going to COC next semester. Instead I'm going to go to Pierce. Why? Mostly because I feel like maybe a reason why COC is dragging on for me is because I'm just truly sick of going there. Maybe being at a new campus and seeing some new faces and realizing "Okay, I have to drive a bit farther to get to school and with the way gas is I can't go back and forth to home or hanging out with friends between classes" so I won't be tempted to just not go to class, that might be a better pick.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm registering in the fall for Pierce, and then I should be at CSUN next fall. I'm excited.

I'm ready for this summer to be good. It didn't start off very well for me, so let's cut to the good times eh?

Basically

Brittany and I are awesome.

We might be single, but we're still awesome. We might not have had the best luck in love, but we're still awesome. We're funny, we're peppy, we're smart, and we're hot.

Don't you eva forget that.

Guess what

I'm keeping control of the knife...

'Cos I'm not your darling.

Is it keeping you cold in the nights?

'Cos honey, you're starving.

Because I'm bitter at the moment.

I know I said I was over it, I'm trying to not get upset over it- BUT I'm only human.

WHY did I go look at Brandon's Myspace? I already saw the pictures of him and Lucas, especially the one where Brandon kisses him on the cheek (FUNNY THING IS, BRANDON AND I TOOK AN EXACT SAME PICTURE WHEN WE WENT TO THE ZOO LAST YEAR. Fuck that), but actually SEEING on his Myspace "In a Relationship" really just put the knife in my heart today.

I fucking hate this. It's not that I have feelings for Brandon anymore- I'm positive I don't- but it's just the feeling that I've been replaced, that he's found something better than me. Which is perfectly natural, and eventually I'll be doing the same thing, but for the time being it pretty much makes me want to die and makes me feel like an inadequate piece of shit.

Maybe I should temporarily delete him as my friend, just until I know for sure that I won't be affected by looking at his page. Then when I am for sure completely positively over it, we'll see about being friends again. I think for now though, I just can't have the accessability to look at his new life.

Been a while...

So it's been 2 months since I've last updated. What's been going on?

Continued onslaught of work and school. Definitely knuckling down on school because I am sick to death of COC and want to actually move on with my life. I should for certain be transferring to CSUN in spring '09, I see no reason as to why I won't be able to (unless some mutant dog eats my homework consecutively for all of my classes this semester, during summer school and fall semester, therefore plummeting my GPA to irreparable levels).

Highly unlikely.

I am unbelievably excited for July 25. Why?

BECAUSE THE SEQUEL TO "THE X-FILES" MOVIE IS COMING OUT.
Uh...yeah. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are returning as Mulder and Scully, obviously, and it's just going to be amazing.

In other interesting developments, last night I hung out with Brandon after work (random, I know), and I finally came to the conclusion that I really am over him. Not that it was bad or anything, and not that I dislike him or anything, because I definitely don't, but I realized how much he's changed since I met him last year and how he's really not the right one for me. For one, I guess he's started smoking cigarettes again on a regular basis (which was something he had quit doing prior to us dating), so that was a big turn-off. And plus he's really been going out and partying a lot more, which is whatever- he's young and if he's enjoying himself then more power to him. But, that's not really what I want. I want someone who's mature, someone who's kind of outgrown the whole party phase. Nothing wrong with going out and having a good time, but not necessarily to the extent that I've heard of Brandon's partying. It's just not what I want at this point in my life, I want something more low-key and more in tune with my lifestyle, because I'm NOT a partier by any stretch.

I get drunk after 3 or 4 drinks- come on, does that sound ANYTHING like a partier?

So it was actually very gratifying when I came home last night after dropping him off and realized that I don't want him back anymore. I'll still look back on our relationship and think about the good times, but it's in the past. I'm officially ready to move on, and that's a relief.