So tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which really isn't that big of a deal to me. First of all, I've never been dating someone on Valentine's Day (Brandon and I met about a week after last year's Valentine's Day), so I can't really say it's something I "miss". I don't flat-out hate it either. I'm just kind of indifferent to it. Brittany and I are hanging out tomorrow night with some friends, so I don't mind Valentine's Day when I get to have a good time with people. I think that's more productive than just sitting around talking about how much it sucks. Valentine's Day only sucks if you let it get to you. All the same, even if I was dating someone I don't think Valentine's Day would be that big of a deal for me, unless it was a special day like an anniversary. My parents got married on Valentine's Day, so to them it's always going to be a special day and I'm happy for them because of that. But if I did have a boyfriend, I'd rather celebrate a day that's special to us instead of Valentine's Day which everyone says we're SUPPOSED to celebrate when in reality I could give a shit.
I don't know. I guess I'm just as guilty of jumping on the bandwagon because I'm talking about it, but really I'm not in either camp of the I hate/I love Valentine's Day battle. I just don't care either way.
In any case, I'm certainly not going to let this day make me feel like crap. So I'm single, so I've been nursing a broken heart for the past two months. Happens to everyone at some point (or multiple points) in their lives. I'm no exception, so to me it's just going to be another day.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Thank God...
for last night. I realized how badly I needed a night like last night, to just hang out with a group of friends and act stupid and just have a good time. Vincenzo's was a blast, and then we all went to Jon's and hung out. I played all of Aladdin on Super Nintendo in about 20 minutes- everyone thought it was funny that I beat it so fast- and then we watched "Superbad", and then me, Kenna, Annie and Pappas had a dance-off which was quite hilarious. Overall, a good night. Really glad I got the chance to do that, because I really did need it. I've been so down and out lately. I'm glad I'm going back to school tomorrow, because I know keeping busy with that instead of just working and then sitting around doing nothing when I'm not at work will help take my mind off of everything that's been bothering me. So hopefully things will start getting better in the next month or so.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I am so sick...
of being depressed. Looking back on it, it hasn't just been since Brandon broke up with me that I've been depressed. I haven't felt like myself since at least late September, or October. I'm just tired of it. I tell myself each and every day the things I have to be grateful for, but still it seems like my life over the past three or four months has been so...blah. Especially when the first six months of 2007 were the happiest I had been in such a long time. Everything felt so alive, so exciting, I was in love, I felt like my life was going the right direction. Now I feel like I'm not only right back to square one, but I'm in worse shape than I was before 2007 began. I just wish these feelings would go away, I'm so sick of it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
More stuff.
For starters, my brother's best friend was killed yesterday in a motorcycle crash, and he died in my brother's arms. I can't imagine how horrible this whole thing must be for him. My brother's locked himself up at his girlfriend's house since then, but hopefully he'll come home sometime this week so I can get a chance to see him.
I'm hanging out with this guy on Friday. His name's Freddie (which is a cute name- though it's kind of weird because my grandpa's name is Fred, one of my grandpa's brother's name is Fred, my great-grandfather's name was Fred...I don't know I always find it weird to meet someone that has the same name as someone in my family), and it's NOT a date. I'm not exactly ready to date yet, and I'm not too sure about the guy himself. He's a very cute guy from the pictures he's shown me, but...I don't know, there's something strange about him. We've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now, and he's really bad at maintaining a conversation in that medium. He's usually the one that texts me first, says hi, whats up, etc., I respond and ask him the same, he'll give me a one-lined answer, and then that'll be it. He won't respond again until the next day or so.
So that in itself is kind of strange.
Then out of nowhere he does the same thing last night, except actually manages to continually text me for a good hour, but STILL giving me only one-lined answers, and without asking for a response on my end. Eventually I just got bored with it and said I was going to go to bed, and then a few minutes later he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure, he said we'll talk more about it later. Today he texts me and we get the plans all arranged- we're going to hang on Friday night when he gets off work, we're going to see Cloverfield, he gave me his address so I can Mapquest it. So I'm thinking okay, cool, it at least gives me something to do.
So then he asks me if I can send him another picture of myself, so I do, just one of those cheesy camera-in-the-mirror face shots. Then he asks if I can send him a picture of myself shirtless. I don't really want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I'm hoping to hook up with him, and asking someone to see a shirtless picture kind of makes me feel like that's where he's leaning. He tells me it's not like that, he was just curious what my body looked like because in the face pic I sent him, I was wearing a wife beater and he said that I had "nice, toned shoulders". Random compliment, but hey I'll take it. So I say fine, I'll send him a harmless pic, no dropping the pants, just a picture of me in the mirror without a shirt. I warned him I'm hairy and haven't been to the gym in almost 7 months, so my body hasn't been looking its best lately. But he responded back and said I have a really nice body and he liked that it was kind of hairy.
I'm thinking to myself this entire time that he definitely is looking for a hook-up. Why else would you ask for a shirtless picture of someone that you're anticipating to hang out with if that's NOT what you're interested in? So I'm not sure how this is going to go down. Yes, he is extremely cute, but he hasn't exactly proved to be the most interesting person from our really pathetic text conversations, and if he tries to make a pass at me I'm going to tell him that I am definitely not looking for that. THEN to top it all off, he asked me if I could tell him how big my penis is.
...
Come on, that is a total red flag for hook-up interest. I told him that's something he doesn't need to know yet because we're not going to get to that point.
I think I ought to just cancel this thing altogether. I am really not looking for a hook-up right now, and Lord knows I would save gas money and money for the movie if I cancelled. I'll see what he says if he texts me later in the week and if he's still asking me questions like this, then I'm going to tell him I can't hang out with him.
This is what I hate about being single, is that I know for the next who-knows-how-long, I'm going to meet guys that are going to be so not what I'm looking for. Which obviously is what makes meeting that right person so special in the first place, but still- the process of going through a bunch of annoying dates to get to the person that you actually fall in love with is an irritating process. HJHfsdukhfsdjh fkjlsdh fsdjkghfuiohg djk. Is how I feel about that.
This is a really long entry, but I am bored at work and so I feel like rambling on a bit. Although now I have nothing to ramble about, so I suppose I'm done for now.
I'm hanging out with this guy on Friday. His name's Freddie (which is a cute name- though it's kind of weird because my grandpa's name is Fred, one of my grandpa's brother's name is Fred, my great-grandfather's name was Fred...I don't know I always find it weird to meet someone that has the same name as someone in my family), and it's NOT a date. I'm not exactly ready to date yet, and I'm not too sure about the guy himself. He's a very cute guy from the pictures he's shown me, but...I don't know, there's something strange about him. We've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now, and he's really bad at maintaining a conversation in that medium. He's usually the one that texts me first, says hi, whats up, etc., I respond and ask him the same, he'll give me a one-lined answer, and then that'll be it. He won't respond again until the next day or so.
So that in itself is kind of strange.
Then out of nowhere he does the same thing last night, except actually manages to continually text me for a good hour, but STILL giving me only one-lined answers, and without asking for a response on my end. Eventually I just got bored with it and said I was going to go to bed, and then a few minutes later he texted and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said sure, he said we'll talk more about it later. Today he texts me and we get the plans all arranged- we're going to hang on Friday night when he gets off work, we're going to see Cloverfield, he gave me his address so I can Mapquest it. So I'm thinking okay, cool, it at least gives me something to do.
So then he asks me if I can send him another picture of myself, so I do, just one of those cheesy camera-in-the-mirror face shots. Then he asks if I can send him a picture of myself shirtless. I don't really want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I'm hoping to hook up with him, and asking someone to see a shirtless picture kind of makes me feel like that's where he's leaning. He tells me it's not like that, he was just curious what my body looked like because in the face pic I sent him, I was wearing a wife beater and he said that I had "nice, toned shoulders". Random compliment, but hey I'll take it. So I say fine, I'll send him a harmless pic, no dropping the pants, just a picture of me in the mirror without a shirt. I warned him I'm hairy and haven't been to the gym in almost 7 months, so my body hasn't been looking its best lately. But he responded back and said I have a really nice body and he liked that it was kind of hairy.
I'm thinking to myself this entire time that he definitely is looking for a hook-up. Why else would you ask for a shirtless picture of someone that you're anticipating to hang out with if that's NOT what you're interested in? So I'm not sure how this is going to go down. Yes, he is extremely cute, but he hasn't exactly proved to be the most interesting person from our really pathetic text conversations, and if he tries to make a pass at me I'm going to tell him that I am definitely not looking for that. THEN to top it all off, he asked me if I could tell him how big my penis is.
...
Come on, that is a total red flag for hook-up interest. I told him that's something he doesn't need to know yet because we're not going to get to that point.
I think I ought to just cancel this thing altogether. I am really not looking for a hook-up right now, and Lord knows I would save gas money and money for the movie if I cancelled. I'll see what he says if he texts me later in the week and if he's still asking me questions like this, then I'm going to tell him I can't hang out with him.
This is what I hate about being single, is that I know for the next who-knows-how-long, I'm going to meet guys that are going to be so not what I'm looking for. Which obviously is what makes meeting that right person so special in the first place, but still- the process of going through a bunch of annoying dates to get to the person that you actually fall in love with is an irritating process. HJHfsdukhfsdjh fkjlsdh fsdjkghfuiohg djk. Is how I feel about that.
This is a really long entry, but I am bored at work and so I feel like rambling on a bit. Although now I have nothing to ramble about, so I suppose I'm done for now.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Don't keep me under surveillance
San Francisco in four days.
School starts in two weeks.
Planning Las Vegas for spring break.
Visiting Humboldt this summer.
Kauai with the family this summer.
2008 is going to be one busy year. Which is exactly what I need. I need to get away and take my mind off of things. I wish I didn't still think about him every minute. I'm past the point of crying about it, but there's still that longing that I feel, that feeling that one day he'll realize just how much I care for him and how good I am for him, and he'll come back to me. It won't happen, I knoww, but it's a feeling I can't help nonetheless.
Breaking up is so shitty. It almost makes me not want to get into another relationship. Which is a childish thing to say.
School starts in two weeks.
Planning Las Vegas for spring break.
Visiting Humboldt this summer.
Kauai with the family this summer.
2008 is going to be one busy year. Which is exactly what I need. I need to get away and take my mind off of things. I wish I didn't still think about him every minute. I'm past the point of crying about it, but there's still that longing that I feel, that feeling that one day he'll realize just how much I care for him and how good I am for him, and he'll come back to me. It won't happen, I knoww, but it's a feeling I can't help nonetheless.
Breaking up is so shitty. It almost makes me not want to get into another relationship. Which is a childish thing to say.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I've decided
I've decided that the time has come for me to step out of my comfort zone and make something interesting and rewarding out of my life. I realized the other night after having another self-pity party that right now, there's nothing holding me back here. There's nothing left for me here right now. I have my closest friends, of course, who will always be there, I have my family, also, and they will always be there. But there is no urgent need for me to stay right now. If anything, they probably want me to get up and get out and explore the world, for they understand how intelligent and how passionate I am, and they want to see me pursue those endeavors. They know my desires to travel and pursue my interests in history and in the world, and they want me to have the chance to do those things now, when the time is right and when I have the freedom to do them.
I've finally reached the point where I'm done holding back. I've realized that the reason I've been holding back, the reason I've been maintaining the status quo ever since graduation is because I've been scared. I've been scared of moving on, of placing myself in new and uncomfortable settings. But that's part of growing up, of gaining experience, of building up character. The other night when I was thinking about all this was finally my epiphany. I don't need to stay here anymore. Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I'm no longer finding excuses or reasons to stay behind while others move forward with their lives. I have to move forward as well.
So I've decided within the year I'm going to find some program where I can study abroad. Preferrably in Europe, of course, because I've always felt somewhat European at heart my entire life. Bizarre as that might sound. I feel going to Europe will truly develop my character and I'll truly discover who I am there. I'd prefer Spain, because the language barrier wouldn't be as difficult since I already speak a good amount of Spanish. I'd also like France, and the UK has always been a dreamhome of mine. Any of these places.
But I'm serious about this. Dead, 100% serious. I'm going to step up, I'm going to go for this, I'm going to work for this. I have to do it. Now is my chance.
I've finally reached the point where I'm done holding back. I've realized that the reason I've been holding back, the reason I've been maintaining the status quo ever since graduation is because I've been scared. I've been scared of moving on, of placing myself in new and uncomfortable settings. But that's part of growing up, of gaining experience, of building up character. The other night when I was thinking about all this was finally my epiphany. I don't need to stay here anymore. Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I'm no longer finding excuses or reasons to stay behind while others move forward with their lives. I have to move forward as well.
So I've decided within the year I'm going to find some program where I can study abroad. Preferrably in Europe, of course, because I've always felt somewhat European at heart my entire life. Bizarre as that might sound. I feel going to Europe will truly develop my character and I'll truly discover who I am there. I'd prefer Spain, because the language barrier wouldn't be as difficult since I already speak a good amount of Spanish. I'd also like France, and the UK has always been a dreamhome of mine. Any of these places.
But I'm serious about this. Dead, 100% serious. I'm going to step up, I'm going to go for this, I'm going to work for this. I have to do it. Now is my chance.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
New Year.
Wow, this is weird....it's the second new year post I've done in this blogger thing. It's just weird to think about how much things change within the span of a couple of years. From when I started this blog in July 2006, and here we are in January 2008. So much has happened, but I guess the most rewarding thing is that I truly do feel comfortable with myself. Even if things in my life aren't the way I want them to be, I at least know my own mind what it is I want, which is a large accomplishment for me considering I've spent many years feeling the exact opposite. It's all part of growing up, I suppose. It's interesting actually feeling like an adult though. Or at least starting to feel like an adult.
That's all I really have patience for writing right now. I'll return and discuss more of what's going on with me.
That's all I really have patience for writing right now. I'll return and discuss more of what's going on with me.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
On my mind.
Some things that are on my mind right now-
So I'm not depressed, as I thought I might have been a week ago. I was actually more worried that I was STARTING to get depressed as opposed to actually BEING depressed. I can't think of a time when I was truly depressed, because I normally kick myself in the ass when I feel like I'm being a pathetic asshole. So anytime I've started to feel overly mopey and overly sorry for myself, to the point where it's just childish and no longer acceptable, I've always given myself a good punch (metaphorically...I don't actually beat myself in the head) and told myself it's time to get the fuck over it.
So when I consider the reality of things, I'm really not all that off the mark. I'm a 21-year-old who's been in junior college for over a year longer than he should've been who would rather read a Marie Anotinette biography than go drinking at some frat bar and is still in love with his boyfriend that broke up with him two weeks ago. Really, am I that bad off? Everyone's been in the same boat I'm currently in, everyone's had their heart broken and everyone's loved someone that didn't love them back. And you know what? The world keeps on turning.
The good thing is, I guess if there can be a good thing from all of this, that Brandon understands I'm still in love with him and though it's a bit uncomfortable when we're trying to establish a strictly platonic relationship, he knows I just have to give myself time to get over him and he doesn't think I'm a pathetic baby because of it. So I guess that's a good thing, because he could always be an ass about it and just tell me I'm creeping him out and to leave him alone, but this shows that he does still care and I do still play an important role in his life, even if he doesn't feel the same way anymore.
Then the big question is, once again- are things really that bad? From what I've learned these past two weeks- no. And will things get better? Well, around this time last year I thought I would never find a suitable boyfriend and I'd be single until God knows when, and guess what- I ended up having a boyfriend for pretty much most of 2007. So what does that prove? That proves that hey, good things will happen when you least expect it. So instead of whining and being a baby about everything, just go out there, live your life, do your thing, and good things will come your way.
So I'm not depressed, as I thought I might have been a week ago. I was actually more worried that I was STARTING to get depressed as opposed to actually BEING depressed. I can't think of a time when I was truly depressed, because I normally kick myself in the ass when I feel like I'm being a pathetic asshole. So anytime I've started to feel overly mopey and overly sorry for myself, to the point where it's just childish and no longer acceptable, I've always given myself a good punch (metaphorically...I don't actually beat myself in the head) and told myself it's time to get the fuck over it.
So when I consider the reality of things, I'm really not all that off the mark. I'm a 21-year-old who's been in junior college for over a year longer than he should've been who would rather read a Marie Anotinette biography than go drinking at some frat bar and is still in love with his boyfriend that broke up with him two weeks ago. Really, am I that bad off? Everyone's been in the same boat I'm currently in, everyone's had their heart broken and everyone's loved someone that didn't love them back. And you know what? The world keeps on turning.
The good thing is, I guess if there can be a good thing from all of this, that Brandon understands I'm still in love with him and though it's a bit uncomfortable when we're trying to establish a strictly platonic relationship, he knows I just have to give myself time to get over him and he doesn't think I'm a pathetic baby because of it. So I guess that's a good thing, because he could always be an ass about it and just tell me I'm creeping him out and to leave him alone, but this shows that he does still care and I do still play an important role in his life, even if he doesn't feel the same way anymore.
Then the big question is, once again- are things really that bad? From what I've learned these past two weeks- no. And will things get better? Well, around this time last year I thought I would never find a suitable boyfriend and I'd be single until God knows when, and guess what- I ended up having a boyfriend for pretty much most of 2007. So what does that prove? That proves that hey, good things will happen when you least expect it. So instead of whining and being a baby about everything, just go out there, live your life, do your thing, and good things will come your way.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Music rant!!!!
It's been a while since I've discussed one of my favorite topics- music. So here we go.
Number one- the Backstreet Boys. Yes, they're still around, still making music...does anyone care? Not particularly. I don't know what it will take to make these guys think that nobody is interested anymore in middle-aged dudes who have not exactly aged gracefully (come on, between them and 'N Sync, the Backstreets were never the better-looking) and they generally are still putting out the same type of music that they made 10 years ago- i.e. boring ballads.
Number two- the Spice Girls. WHAT IS THIS 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So as you MAY have heard, the Spice Girls reunited and are currently on a fairly massive world tour which apparently is going quite well. Musically, not so much. Their "comeback" single (and we use that term loosely), "Headlines", flopped quite terribly on the UK charts, meaning that it wasn't some gigantic number 1 hit. Their greatest hits CD "only" reached number 2 on the UK charts and is currently being sold only through Victoria's Secret right now in the United States. Being that the Spice Girls were never as popular here as they were across the Atlantic, though they were fairly massive nonetheless, I doubt their CD is going to cause much sensation in this country.
Number three- Girls Aloud. Oh I'm sorry, their new album Tangled Up is only the most amazing thing to smack pop music right in the face this year. It's been out for over a month and I still can't get over it.
That's all I can muster up for now.
Number one- the Backstreet Boys. Yes, they're still around, still making music...does anyone care? Not particularly. I don't know what it will take to make these guys think that nobody is interested anymore in middle-aged dudes who have not exactly aged gracefully (come on, between them and 'N Sync, the Backstreets were never the better-looking) and they generally are still putting out the same type of music that they made 10 years ago- i.e. boring ballads.
Number two- the Spice Girls. WHAT IS THIS 1997 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So as you MAY have heard, the Spice Girls reunited and are currently on a fairly massive world tour which apparently is going quite well. Musically, not so much. Their "comeback" single (and we use that term loosely), "Headlines", flopped quite terribly on the UK charts, meaning that it wasn't some gigantic number 1 hit. Their greatest hits CD "only" reached number 2 on the UK charts and is currently being sold only through Victoria's Secret right now in the United States. Being that the Spice Girls were never as popular here as they were across the Atlantic, though they were fairly massive nonetheless, I doubt their CD is going to cause much sensation in this country.
Number three- Girls Aloud. Oh I'm sorry, their new album Tangled Up is only the most amazing thing to smack pop music right in the face this year. It's been out for over a month and I still can't get over it.
That's all I can muster up for now.
Monday, December 10, 2007
BjklfhsdjfhsdjHfjk
I am tiiiiiired of being at wooooooork. Worked until 11 last night, came back at 8 this morning. Thank Allah I'm off the next two days.
So here's what my schedule is for the next couple of weeks-
Tuesday: Finals
Wednesday: End of Finals!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: WORK AGAIN
Sunday: DAMMIT WORK!!!!
Monday: FREAKIN' A- WORK WORK WORK
Tuesday: No work thank God, my grandparents are coming over to start making tamales for Christmas. Uh, chyea, super excited.
Wednesday: DISNEYLAND!!!!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: Christmas Dinner!
Sunday: Work
Monday: NO WORK IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Tuesday: Christmas Day...sadly I work for a few hours, but afterwards I'm heading to the Oliphants' and Brittany and I are going to Wii it up hardcore.
Sounds good. Fingers crossed that my car will be done and I'll get it back today. It's been five days. :(
So here's what my schedule is for the next couple of weeks-
Tuesday: Finals
Wednesday: End of Finals!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: WORK AGAIN
Sunday: DAMMIT WORK!!!!
Monday: FREAKIN' A- WORK WORK WORK
Tuesday: No work thank God, my grandparents are coming over to start making tamales for Christmas. Uh, chyea, super excited.
Wednesday: DISNEYLAND!!!!
Thursday: Work
Friday: Work
Saturday: Christmas Dinner!
Sunday: Work
Monday: NO WORK IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Tuesday: Christmas Day...sadly I work for a few hours, but afterwards I'm heading to the Oliphants' and Brittany and I are going to Wii it up hardcore.
Sounds good. Fingers crossed that my car will be done and I'll get it back today. It's been five days. :(
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Here's what I've decided.
I've made a decision.
As of Dec. 8, 2007, Mark is officially on a complete break from guys.
It's not anything out of bitterness, but I've realized that, even though before I met Brandon I was single for three years, in reality I haven't been completely uninvolved with guys for anything longer than maybe two or three months. Because in some way or other, I've still talked to guys, still gone on occassional dates, and you know what- I think I'm kind of over it for now.
I've only been single for a week so I'm not going to jump into anything anytime soon. And obviously, if I do jump into anything soon all I'm going to do is think about how he's not Brandon and constantly compare him to Brandon (since I still have feelings for Brandon, obviously). So either way it's just not going to work.
Plus, I really need to get myself to understand that you don't HAVE to have some type of guy interest to be happy, whether it be a boyfriend or a flirt or an occassional hook-up. I need to focus on my friends, focus on my family, focus on ME, focus on school, focus on work, focus on doing the things I want and just letting everything else fall into place.
So with that said, I guess I'm just continuing down the path to finding myself. I'm in a position I certainly wasn't expecting myself to be, I was expecting to still have a boyfriend and to be working with that. But plans change, so you just have to adapt and let life take you where it will.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, on a different note, that my grandparents are coming sometime this week and we're going to start making tamales, so I'll be able to have some to bring for the Christmas dinner. I know you all are excited.
As of Dec. 8, 2007, Mark is officially on a complete break from guys.
It's not anything out of bitterness, but I've realized that, even though before I met Brandon I was single for three years, in reality I haven't been completely uninvolved with guys for anything longer than maybe two or three months. Because in some way or other, I've still talked to guys, still gone on occassional dates, and you know what- I think I'm kind of over it for now.
I've only been single for a week so I'm not going to jump into anything anytime soon. And obviously, if I do jump into anything soon all I'm going to do is think about how he's not Brandon and constantly compare him to Brandon (since I still have feelings for Brandon, obviously). So either way it's just not going to work.
Plus, I really need to get myself to understand that you don't HAVE to have some type of guy interest to be happy, whether it be a boyfriend or a flirt or an occassional hook-up. I need to focus on my friends, focus on my family, focus on ME, focus on school, focus on work, focus on doing the things I want and just letting everything else fall into place.
So with that said, I guess I'm just continuing down the path to finding myself. I'm in a position I certainly wasn't expecting myself to be, I was expecting to still have a boyfriend and to be working with that. But plans change, so you just have to adapt and let life take you where it will.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, on a different note, that my grandparents are coming sometime this week and we're going to start making tamales, so I'll be able to have some to bring for the Christmas dinner. I know you all are excited.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Okay, so....
I like Christmas music and all...but I'm sick of hearing 50 VERSIONS OF THE SAME SONG!!!! They're playing Christmas music at my work and I'm already getting tired of it. Also, I don't like poppy versions of Christmas songs. To me, they're just annoying. I like choral versions of Christmas songs, nice, pretty, classical, etc. Not Jessica Simpson or Destiny's Child bullshit singing "Jingle Bells". Give me Charlotte Church singing some operatic version of "O Holy Night", and I'm fine with that. Even though Charlotte Church is a cunt. Haha.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Better.
Things are slowly getting better. It's still only been four days, but today is the first day where I haven't cried and overall I feel more hopeful than I have these past few days.
I went over and visited him for a little bit last night, and I think that did exactly what I hoped it would. I think a big part of my sadness was the fact that I went from seeing him or at least talking to him every single day for 9 months straight, to after one night having no communication with him at all. So I texted him and asked him if I'd be able to talk to him after he got off work, and he said that'd be fine. So I went over, we asked each other how we were doing. It seems like we're both in the same place, we were both upset and having a hard time coping with it, but he seemed like he was starting to get to the healing point, which is where I feel like I am right now. It was a little awkward, we both admitted, but we sort of laughed about it, and we both agreed that we'll eventually be comfortable with each other.
That really made me feel good, seeing him and knowing that everything really is going to be fine between us. It's like I've been telling everyone- there aren't hard feelings at all. I'm not angry with him, I'm not scornful, I'm not bitter. I was upset these past few days because this was my first serious relationship and I truly do care about him and love him, but I know he had his reasons for making this decision. I want him to do what he feels is best for him, even if that means sacrificing some of my happiness. Because you don't want to be with someone that isn't completely sure of being with you, right? Right. I know he cares about me and it does provide a lot of comfort that he wants to continue being part of my life.
So, in conclusion, everything is slowly but surely starting to get better. Like I said, no tears today, so hopefully that continues. :) I'm hopeful for the future, and I know eventually I'll meet someone new and this experience has only made me understand more of what I'm looking for and what I want in a relationship.
In other news, I'm extremely excited for the Christmas dinner and for Disneyland. Another thing about last night, Brandon had said that he had put down he wasn't sure if he'd go to the dinner just because he didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me, and I'd like it if he still went, so that should be fun. But yes, Christmas dinner and Disneyland. Should be uber-fun.
I went over and visited him for a little bit last night, and I think that did exactly what I hoped it would. I think a big part of my sadness was the fact that I went from seeing him or at least talking to him every single day for 9 months straight, to after one night having no communication with him at all. So I texted him and asked him if I'd be able to talk to him after he got off work, and he said that'd be fine. So I went over, we asked each other how we were doing. It seems like we're both in the same place, we were both upset and having a hard time coping with it, but he seemed like he was starting to get to the healing point, which is where I feel like I am right now. It was a little awkward, we both admitted, but we sort of laughed about it, and we both agreed that we'll eventually be comfortable with each other.
That really made me feel good, seeing him and knowing that everything really is going to be fine between us. It's like I've been telling everyone- there aren't hard feelings at all. I'm not angry with him, I'm not scornful, I'm not bitter. I was upset these past few days because this was my first serious relationship and I truly do care about him and love him, but I know he had his reasons for making this decision. I want him to do what he feels is best for him, even if that means sacrificing some of my happiness. Because you don't want to be with someone that isn't completely sure of being with you, right? Right. I know he cares about me and it does provide a lot of comfort that he wants to continue being part of my life.
So, in conclusion, everything is slowly but surely starting to get better. Like I said, no tears today, so hopefully that continues. :) I'm hopeful for the future, and I know eventually I'll meet someone new and this experience has only made me understand more of what I'm looking for and what I want in a relationship.
In other news, I'm extremely excited for the Christmas dinner and for Disneyland. Another thing about last night, Brandon had said that he had put down he wasn't sure if he'd go to the dinner just because he didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I told him it wouldn't bother me, and I'd like it if he still went, so that should be fun. But yes, Christmas dinner and Disneyland. Should be uber-fun.
Monday, December 03, 2007
I guess that's that.
After nine months and twelve days, Brandon and I are officially over. I don't quite know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions I'm feeling- anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and in a strange way maybe relief and understanding?
I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.
The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?
I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.
I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.
I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.
And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.
I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.
I have no regrets.
I know why he had to do it, and I don't hate him because of it. We both said last night that we want to stay in each others' lives; right now, obviously, I need time away from him to adjust to this and get my feelings straightened out. But I just feel sad that I couldn't hold on to something, even if it's the longest I've been with anyone. Or rather, BECAUSE it's the longest I've been with anyone.
The really ironic thing is, last night I messaged his best friend Britney and asked her if she could take pictures of us so that I could frame them and give them to him for our one-year anniversary. I messaged her back later saying "Nevermind. We just broke up". Kind of fucked up, isn't it?
I know he didn't want to hurt me, but....I don't know, there's just nothing more painful than hearing someone tell you they're not in love with you anymore. Yesterday I had another one of my moods and after thinking about it, I truly felt like everything would be okay, that I was going to work hard to get us through these rough patches we've been hitting. I guess he had already made his mind up and didn't think there was anymore we could do.
I keep telling myself you'll bounce back. Go work out and get your body back (I've kind of slimmed down to skin-and-bones again after having not gone to the gym since at least June), go shopping, spend time with your friends and family, distract yourself, keep busy, focus on yourself....but that's so hard when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch Dumbo or some other movie that makes me feel good.
I'm at work right now and it's the ABSOLUTE LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. Considering we talked until about 12:30 last night, and considering I didn't fall asleep until around 4 am because I can't sleep when I'm upset, I've only gotten two hours of sleep and am completely exhausted, not to mention being polite and friendly and professional to guests and my co-workers is the LAST thing I want to do right now because I'm so torn up and bitter inside. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm pretty much going to stay in bed...or since my mom is home for the next two months on disability, I'll hang out with her for once. Haven't spent time with her in a while.
And despite all this, I love him. I truly do love him. He is an incredible person. I know he didn't do this to hurt me, and I'm glad that he did it when he did instead of dragging it on and making me think everything was okay. If he doesn't love me in that way anymore, what can I do about it? It's not his fault, it just happens, no matter how bad it might hurt me, I can't be mad at him for that. I know he's hurting too, because when I told him that despite all this I still love him, he completely lost it and just broke down sobbing.
I just need my space before we can start being around each other again. I truly do hope that things work out and that we end up being friends, because as individuals, he and I really do get along excellently. Even if we didn't work out as a relationship, I feel like we could really be good friends. I just have to have time to heal and move on from all of this.
I have no regrets.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Thoughts.
I've been doing perhaps an unecessary amount of reflecting lately, but I feel like I've gotten myself into such an unattractive rut that going back and finding the source of it all is the best option. Thank God for Livejournal, seriously, because I've realized that since I started it back in the summer of 2003, it's been probably the only place where I can get an accurate view of how my life was and how I was personally during any given period of time. So in my down-time, I've been flipping through the archives of my original Livejournal account and my current account, and it's been interesting just seeing where my head was at and how things were going.
Senior year in particular was such a bizarre time for me. I felt like when I was a junior everything was so new and exciting, like that was really my first year where I began to grow up. I had my first romance (that wasn't with a girl and could therefore constitute itself as legit), I had my license, my car, first job, and really was the first time I felt independent and could do (for the most part, parents' curfew notwithstanding) what I wanted. But by senior year a lot of that naive luster had rubbed off, and my outlook became more cynical. My peers were annoying, my mom was trying to make my life miserable, I was single for pretty much the entire year which translated into I'm unattractive and alone- just really petty, typical teenage angst bullshit that I allowed myself to get caught up in.
And of course, it's only when you've removed yourself from it and you look back that you realize just how dumb you were. I started so many stupid fights, allowed myself to get mixed up in the gossip and politics of being a vapid, stupid high school student living in Santa Clarita, when in reality I should have just not given a fuck, had fun, enjoyed my friends, and ridden it all out as happily as possible. Overall, I really did enjoy high school. I look back on it with fond memories, and all the drama just sort of becomes funny and adds to those memories.
In reality, I had a great group of friends in high school. They weren't shallow, they didn't stress over popularity or cliques, they understood me and could relate to me in my quest to just do what I want and not care about what others thought. And sure, we were all stupid and all had our dumb teenage moments (because we were teenagers, oddly enough), but when it boiled down to the core, we were all a pretty unique breed of teenager. We were sure of ourselves, for the most part, and we didn't need to subject ourselves to the trite shit that our classmates were doing. While you were hanging out at the mall buying up racks of Hollister or Abercrombie, we were using Brittany Oliphant's video camera to make movies where we just ran around screaming, tackling each other, and using five or six different accents in a five-minute span. While you were going off to Nike Base in your boyfriend's lifted truck smoking out or making out, we were having motorhome parties on the way to Disneyland. While you were having sleepovers and talking shit about this bitch or that bitch and then making Myspace posts about it, we were taking pictures of ourselves making ugly faces and making Myspace posts about THAT.
The point was, we knew how to have fun in our own way and didn't feel the need to do shit that would eventually turn us into the skanky soccer moms and wannabe-bro dads that populate this fucking town. I think, even in the face of all the drama that might have happened and the times when we DID act like typical teenagers, our experiences together and our ability to just let loose and be ourselves has made us richer and stronger than anyone else we went to high school with. I really want all my friends to know just how much of an impact they had on me, and how much they helped me get to where I am now, because I feel more assured of myself and more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have before. I owe a huge part of it to my friends, for encouraging me and dragging me out of my shell to become who I am today.
Senior year in particular was such a bizarre time for me. I felt like when I was a junior everything was so new and exciting, like that was really my first year where I began to grow up. I had my first romance (that wasn't with a girl and could therefore constitute itself as legit), I had my license, my car, first job, and really was the first time I felt independent and could do (for the most part, parents' curfew notwithstanding) what I wanted. But by senior year a lot of that naive luster had rubbed off, and my outlook became more cynical. My peers were annoying, my mom was trying to make my life miserable, I was single for pretty much the entire year which translated into I'm unattractive and alone- just really petty, typical teenage angst bullshit that I allowed myself to get caught up in.
And of course, it's only when you've removed yourself from it and you look back that you realize just how dumb you were. I started so many stupid fights, allowed myself to get mixed up in the gossip and politics of being a vapid, stupid high school student living in Santa Clarita, when in reality I should have just not given a fuck, had fun, enjoyed my friends, and ridden it all out as happily as possible. Overall, I really did enjoy high school. I look back on it with fond memories, and all the drama just sort of becomes funny and adds to those memories.
In reality, I had a great group of friends in high school. They weren't shallow, they didn't stress over popularity or cliques, they understood me and could relate to me in my quest to just do what I want and not care about what others thought. And sure, we were all stupid and all had our dumb teenage moments (because we were teenagers, oddly enough), but when it boiled down to the core, we were all a pretty unique breed of teenager. We were sure of ourselves, for the most part, and we didn't need to subject ourselves to the trite shit that our classmates were doing. While you were hanging out at the mall buying up racks of Hollister or Abercrombie, we were using Brittany Oliphant's video camera to make movies where we just ran around screaming, tackling each other, and using five or six different accents in a five-minute span. While you were going off to Nike Base in your boyfriend's lifted truck smoking out or making out, we were having motorhome parties on the way to Disneyland. While you were having sleepovers and talking shit about this bitch or that bitch and then making Myspace posts about it, we were taking pictures of ourselves making ugly faces and making Myspace posts about THAT.
The point was, we knew how to have fun in our own way and didn't feel the need to do shit that would eventually turn us into the skanky soccer moms and wannabe-bro dads that populate this fucking town. I think, even in the face of all the drama that might have happened and the times when we DID act like typical teenagers, our experiences together and our ability to just let loose and be ourselves has made us richer and stronger than anyone else we went to high school with. I really want all my friends to know just how much of an impact they had on me, and how much they helped me get to where I am now, because I feel more assured of myself and more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have before. I owe a huge part of it to my friends, for encouraging me and dragging me out of my shell to become who I am today.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tra la la la la la la....poop.
How about we stop for two seconds with the months flying by? Hmmm? November is going to be over in four days...I don't even remember this month beginning and now it's come and gone.
So I suppose everything is pretty dandy. I'm just a bit stressed out over money at the moment- with starting over at the new hotel our paychecks kind of got screwed up, I had to register for school last week and will have to pay for that, on top of my other monthly bills, overdrew my bank account last week (big ouch). Not so good in that department, especially considering I have TWO paychecks left before Christmas. So I'll be trying to work a lot and get plenty of overtime for the next few weeks.
Otherwise, things are well. I'm trying to keep busy with school, and planning holiday things. Like the Christmas dinner. I'm busy making invitations, trying to convince my mom to let us have it at our house (if not, then we'll do it at Brittany's, which is always fun), trying to decide what food we want to make for it, then eventually getting decorations for it. I love planning parties, it truly is one of my favorite things in life. :)
What else....at our Thanksgiving last Sunday my aunt Dede said we could have Christmas Eve over at their house this year, because my mom is tired of having it at our house (since 2001, Christmas Eve has been at our house every year EXCEPT in 2004. And we didn't make tamales that year, which caused a huge scandal in the family haha). Me personally, I can understand my mom wanting a break from having it at our house, being the one who has to do the housecleaning, the cooking, etc etc., but I think that when I'm older and have my own house and my kids and stuff, I won't mind having Christmas all the time at my house. Mostly because I'm a control freak when it comes to parties or gatherings and I like having them in my domain so I can keep them under my organization haha. I'm a freak, I know.
I had dinner last night with Ms. Amanda Critser, whom I have not seen since my birthday party, four months ago. Kind of sad that it's been four months since I've seen my best friend of the past fourteen years, but the good thing is we go right back to where we left off.I wonder what the agenda is for New Year's, if we're going to have a big bash like we did last year at Annie's house, or if everyone's doing their own thing. It doesn't really matter to me what I do, as long as I'm with Brandon and Brittany, haha.
Work is so boring. It's my sixth day in a row of work, thankfully I'm off the next two consecutive days, but today is just dragging. It's not busy and we're just standing around. Lames. I want to play with Brittany. :(
So I suppose everything is pretty dandy. I'm just a bit stressed out over money at the moment- with starting over at the new hotel our paychecks kind of got screwed up, I had to register for school last week and will have to pay for that, on top of my other monthly bills, overdrew my bank account last week (big ouch). Not so good in that department, especially considering I have TWO paychecks left before Christmas. So I'll be trying to work a lot and get plenty of overtime for the next few weeks.
Otherwise, things are well. I'm trying to keep busy with school, and planning holiday things. Like the Christmas dinner. I'm busy making invitations, trying to convince my mom to let us have it at our house (if not, then we'll do it at Brittany's, which is always fun), trying to decide what food we want to make for it, then eventually getting decorations for it. I love planning parties, it truly is one of my favorite things in life. :)
What else....at our Thanksgiving last Sunday my aunt Dede said we could have Christmas Eve over at their house this year, because my mom is tired of having it at our house (since 2001, Christmas Eve has been at our house every year EXCEPT in 2004. And we didn't make tamales that year, which caused a huge scandal in the family haha). Me personally, I can understand my mom wanting a break from having it at our house, being the one who has to do the housecleaning, the cooking, etc etc., but I think that when I'm older and have my own house and my kids and stuff, I won't mind having Christmas all the time at my house. Mostly because I'm a control freak when it comes to parties or gatherings and I like having them in my domain so I can keep them under my organization haha. I'm a freak, I know.
I had dinner last night with Ms. Amanda Critser, whom I have not seen since my birthday party, four months ago. Kind of sad that it's been four months since I've seen my best friend of the past fourteen years, but the good thing is we go right back to where we left off.I wonder what the agenda is for New Year's, if we're going to have a big bash like we did last year at Annie's house, or if everyone's doing their own thing. It doesn't really matter to me what I do, as long as I'm with Brandon and Brittany, haha.
Work is so boring. It's my sixth day in a row of work, thankfully I'm off the next two consecutive days, but today is just dragging. It's not busy and we're just standing around. Lames. I want to play with Brittany. :(
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Novemberrrrr.
Well, it's finally November. I can't believe how quickly 2007 has passed by; then again that's exactly what I thought about 2006 and 2005, so I suppose that's just the way life is. Still, it only seems like the other day when we were partying and ringing in the new year at Annie's house...while Sean Lay was puking his guts out in her bathroom...and then a month and a half later I met Brandon and everything changed. I know it sounds cliche to say that he changed my life, but he really did. Looking back at how I felt, how I thought a year before that, I can see a complete difference. I don't know, I just feel more...peaceful, maybe? Maybe more at ease with myself? I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the way I feel now more than before.
So this Saturday will be one year since my aunt passed away. The past few days I've been thinking a lot about it, about how crazy everything was this exact time last year, and I think it just adds to the feeling that things have changed and gone for the better, knowing that even though it still hurts my family has learned to recover and to grow from all of this. The other night at dinner my mom was talking about the day she died and how she found out about it, so obviously she's healed a lot since she's able to talk about it now. Everything always works out, and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that.
So this Saturday will be one year since my aunt passed away. The past few days I've been thinking a lot about it, about how crazy everything was this exact time last year, and I think it just adds to the feeling that things have changed and gone for the better, knowing that even though it still hurts my family has learned to recover and to grow from all of this. The other night at dinner my mom was talking about the day she died and how she found out about it, so obviously she's healed a lot since she's able to talk about it now. Everything always works out, and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Call the Shots
Call the Shots
Static tone on the phone here I'm stuck and alone
Can't make progress anymore
Yes I've tried to mold you and I've failed again
Should leave this on the floor
I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart, no
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
All the fire that burnt so brightly in the beginning
We can't keep trying to make it come back, as much as I'm wishing
I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
I've seen our time glow, seen it shimmer
Then fade like starlight to a glimmer
You see my eyes they're getting dimmer
I hold on to those dreams that glitter
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Static tone on the phone here I'm stuck and alone
Can't make progress anymore
Yes I've tried to mold you and I've failed again
Should leave this on the floor
I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart, no
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
All the fire that burnt so brightly in the beginning
We can't keep trying to make it come back, as much as I'm wishing
I won't cry for all the hunger in my heart
I won't cry because I stumbled through this part
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
I've seen our time glow, seen it shimmer
Then fade like starlight to a glimmer
You see my eyes they're getting dimmer
I hold on to those dreams that glitter
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Just cos you're raising the bet and call the shots now on me
It really doesn't phase me how you spend your time
Sunday, September 30, 2007
9/30/07
Last day of September, and tomorrow begins yet another crazy October. I always get so busy in October, but it's all in good fun.
So it's been a fun weekend. Ended up not going to Vegas, but I've had four days off work and school and believe me, it's been much needed. Let's re-cap--
Wednedsay:
Work, then out for sushi with Brandon and Brittany, then over to Brittany's with Stephanie and Candice to watch America's Next Top Model and Ghost Hunters, and we got to meet Brittany's cousins.
Thursday:
Went to lunch and cruised the mall and Barnes & Noble with my grandparents, then read a bit of my new Marie Antoinette book before going to Brittany's house with Brandon to pick up Kenna and Tory from the airport.
Friday:
Ran some errands, picked up Brandon and we lunched at the Abbey Lane cafe over in Stevenson Ranch- very good, very nice little place. It's my second favorite now in SCV after Wild Thyme. Then Brandon got called into work for a couple of hours, so I went and got Brittany and then we picked him up from work and went to Odyssey Night at Magic Mt. It was pretty fun...Brandon and I held hands around the park, hehe. I've always wanted to just walk around and hold my boyfriend's hand and not think anything of it, so I'm glad that he didn't care for just one night. Sadly there was some tension when we met up with Tamara and a couple of her friends. But oh well, I guess it just shows her true colors and that Brittany doesn't need someone who's all over the place and confused.
Saturday:
Brandon and I got up very early to go to this street art fair in Newhall so he could get extra credit for his art class. It was cool, and I even participated in some of the drawing. Then we took my brother to his bowling practice, where Brandon got to meet my grandparents. After we dropped him at home, we went to Brittany's where there was a big family party going on, which are always fun. Then took Pappas and Brandon to work, then came back and we watched The Lion King in the motorhome. Afterwards we did some sidewalk chalk drawing, which was hilarious. Especially because of Bob's remarks about me and the porn hopscotch I drew. Oh goodness. Then we all went for some drinks at Friday's and it was a lot of fun.
Today:
I am doing laundry, catching up on some school reading, and being laaaazy. I'm sad I have to go back to work tomorrow.
That's it for now.
So it's been a fun weekend. Ended up not going to Vegas, but I've had four days off work and school and believe me, it's been much needed. Let's re-cap--
Wednedsay:
Work, then out for sushi with Brandon and Brittany, then over to Brittany's with Stephanie and Candice to watch America's Next Top Model and Ghost Hunters, and we got to meet Brittany's cousins.
Thursday:
Went to lunch and cruised the mall and Barnes & Noble with my grandparents, then read a bit of my new Marie Antoinette book before going to Brittany's house with Brandon to pick up Kenna and Tory from the airport.
Friday:
Ran some errands, picked up Brandon and we lunched at the Abbey Lane cafe over in Stevenson Ranch- very good, very nice little place. It's my second favorite now in SCV after Wild Thyme. Then Brandon got called into work for a couple of hours, so I went and got Brittany and then we picked him up from work and went to Odyssey Night at Magic Mt. It was pretty fun...Brandon and I held hands around the park, hehe. I've always wanted to just walk around and hold my boyfriend's hand and not think anything of it, so I'm glad that he didn't care for just one night. Sadly there was some tension when we met up with Tamara and a couple of her friends. But oh well, I guess it just shows her true colors and that Brittany doesn't need someone who's all over the place and confused.
Saturday:
Brandon and I got up very early to go to this street art fair in Newhall so he could get extra credit for his art class. It was cool, and I even participated in some of the drawing. Then we took my brother to his bowling practice, where Brandon got to meet my grandparents. After we dropped him at home, we went to Brittany's where there was a big family party going on, which are always fun. Then took Pappas and Brandon to work, then came back and we watched The Lion King in the motorhome. Afterwards we did some sidewalk chalk drawing, which was hilarious. Especially because of Bob's remarks about me and the porn hopscotch I drew. Oh goodness. Then we all went for some drinks at Friday's and it was a lot of fun.
Today:
I am doing laundry, catching up on some school reading, and being laaaazy. I'm sad I have to go back to work tomorrow.
That's it for now.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Maybe I need sleep.
I am so tired that I think it's causing my mind to run into overdrive. There's just so much that I'm thinking about. Everything from school and work and family to friends and Brandon.
School: School is stressful. Aaarrrrggghhhh. But oh well, I like school.
Work: Work is stressful. Aaaarrrrggghhhh. I hate how much sleep I lose because of this job.
Family: I wish I could spend more time with my mom. I feel like she hasn't been terribly happy lately, for some reason. I wish I could see if this is true. And I miss my grandparents so much...even though I saw them yesterday. I just miss seeing them every single day when I was younger and living with them. When they're around I feel like I can be a kid and they'll baby me and sometimes it's nice to be babied.
Friends: I love my friends to death. But for a while now I feel like I am looking for different things than a lot of them. It's really weird, that pretty much since I've turned 21 I have had little interest in drinking or partying, and I know most of my friends aren't out of control and I don't look down upon any of them, but I'm realizing more and more that it's just not my thing. Obviously I've gotten fairly drunk a few times recently and it's been in good fun, but the thing is I only want to keep it to a few times here and there. I can't do every weekend go to a party and throw back some drinks. I can't. And I'm not interested in hanging out somewhere where everyone's drunk and partying and I'm just not in the mood for it. I haven't been in the mood for it. I'd rather sit around and talk, laugh, or go out and play sports, or watch movies. I feel really torn about things because I want to enjoy being 21 and having fun, but I feel like I just want to do it in different ways, and not many people that I have in my life are into that as much as I am.
Brandon: I love him, and I'm happy with him, and there's nothing wrong there. Just sometimes I wonder if we're on the same page in terms of what we want out of each other. And this isn't the first time this thought has come up, so I know it's not something I can shake off but it's not something I should bring out when the past couple weeks it's been going so smoothly between us. I just have to continue thinking about why this keeps coming up and thinking about what it is I'm really looking for.
I wish I could sleep right now.
School: School is stressful. Aaarrrrggghhhh. But oh well, I like school.
Work: Work is stressful. Aaaarrrrggghhhh. I hate how much sleep I lose because of this job.
Family: I wish I could spend more time with my mom. I feel like she hasn't been terribly happy lately, for some reason. I wish I could see if this is true. And I miss my grandparents so much...even though I saw them yesterday. I just miss seeing them every single day when I was younger and living with them. When they're around I feel like I can be a kid and they'll baby me and sometimes it's nice to be babied.
Friends: I love my friends to death. But for a while now I feel like I am looking for different things than a lot of them. It's really weird, that pretty much since I've turned 21 I have had little interest in drinking or partying, and I know most of my friends aren't out of control and I don't look down upon any of them, but I'm realizing more and more that it's just not my thing. Obviously I've gotten fairly drunk a few times recently and it's been in good fun, but the thing is I only want to keep it to a few times here and there. I can't do every weekend go to a party and throw back some drinks. I can't. And I'm not interested in hanging out somewhere where everyone's drunk and partying and I'm just not in the mood for it. I haven't been in the mood for it. I'd rather sit around and talk, laugh, or go out and play sports, or watch movies. I feel really torn about things because I want to enjoy being 21 and having fun, but I feel like I just want to do it in different ways, and not many people that I have in my life are into that as much as I am.
Brandon: I love him, and I'm happy with him, and there's nothing wrong there. Just sometimes I wonder if we're on the same page in terms of what we want out of each other. And this isn't the first time this thought has come up, so I know it's not something I can shake off but it's not something I should bring out when the past couple weeks it's been going so smoothly between us. I just have to continue thinking about why this keeps coming up and thinking about what it is I'm really looking for.
I wish I could sleep right now.
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