Here.

There's something bizarre about knowing what you know, and having to experience that at the same time. It's funny, life. How the saddest things can reverse themselves into some joy you never quite expected.

I don't quite understand how I work. I'm a classic Cancer in every sense- overly sensitive, fiercely protective of those I love, but guarded and incredibly withdrawn when it comes to my emotions. I believe that full-heartedly. I'm extremely protective of my family right now- of my mom, of my grandparents- but I don't quite know how to let myself handle it. I know what will happen. I won't think about it, I'll just focus on getting my family through it before finally breaking down and throwing myself into a complete chaotic mess. But then again that's how I've always been.

This is the most difficult time my family's had in six years. Damn work and damn that we're packed next weekend and damn that two other people requested next Saturday off because I can't go with my mom and my sister to my aunt's house. My mom says we'll be going at least once a month, so the next trip should be in a few weeks after that, but still. I have to be there every moment, I have to involve myself completely, because when it comes to my family that's just what I've always done. Since I was a child I was he unofficial chairman of coordination for this family. Whenever there was some emergency, all the adults looked to me as the one to get the cousins all organized, because in reality I truly was the big brother to everyone in my family. That's how my role has always been. My older sister was never in charge, I always was. And I know that's my sense of duty to my family even to this day. My mom wishes I would back off sometimes because she fears I stretch myself too thin, but that's an impossible task to ask of me. I can't sit back when things are going awry, I have to step in and become that big brother I've always been.

So, another event has come where I need to continue that role, a role that I'll continue doing until my dying day.

Hmmm.

I wonder, what happens if you decide to change the way you look at someone over something you're not sure of? But not in a bad way. In a way that you wouldn't expect, because they're not what you expected. But how do I know that I'm not what they expected? Why do I feel like they have a notion already in their mind of what I am? Which isn't fair to me because they don't, but still. Maybe on the outside and maybe from what they know of me, I seem like everyone else. I seem like the others. But I don't think I am, and I feel like I could be something unexpected.

Oh, you know. Life.

Seems like anytime some things are going well, there's got to be one incident that comes along and puts a damper on things.

Things in my family are strange right now. My aunt has been sick with the tumor in her head since the beginning of this year, but over the past few months it seemed like her condition was getting slightly better, or at least staying fairly constant. Then last week she got worse. My mom went to visit her, and was basically told that the doctors don't think she'll recover from this. Five months of heavy chemo still hasn't shrunk the mass in her brain, and it's completely destroyed the vision in her right eye. Then she is put on a feeding tube. Thursday night I went to visit her and had to try my absolute hardest to not cry in front of my family. Why? I don't know. I just can't. I can't cry in front of my mom, because I've always been the most adult of my siblings, I've always been the solid, composed one when it's come to family deaths and such events, that if I let my mom see me upset I think she'll just lose it, as if she's not emotionally jumbled enough. Then Friday morning she has to go into emergency surgery because that feeding tube apparently wasn't in her stomach, it was pumping crap into her abdomen and through her blood stream and basically gave her blood poisoning. So mind you, Friday afternoon she almost DIED from all this. My grandparents are staying at my house this weekend, and this morning my uncle calls around 5 am because my aunt started going into some kind of body shock because her blood has been so screwed up.

Obviously the main priority is my aunt's health and whether she's actually going to live at this point, but let me just say that I smell a big fat lawsuit for the hospital when all this settles.

Before I left for work today I could tell my mom was ready to lose it. I know how she gets when she's reached her wit's end, and I knew she was just on the verge of completely breaking down. It's so hard. My aunt told my mom the other day that she wasn't worried about what happened to herself, but she was terrified for her kids and she told my mom if anything happens that she needs to take care of them for her. Yeah, like that's not enough to make you want to cry. But today when I talked to my mom before work she told me that my aunt's kids are what's frightening her the most. My cousins are only 16 and 15, they were home-schooled by my aunt since they were little. They only started going to public school once my aunt got sick, so obviously this past year has been a huge, unbelievable change for them. My uncle is three years older than my grandfather, so clearly he doesn't have much time left for him, and (God forbid) if something does happen and my aunt does end up dying, what's going to happen to my cousins? Their dad is far too old to go on for much longer to raise two teenage kids, and...God. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine what's happening. My mom said she feels like she's losing her family. If my aunt goes, then my uncle probably won't last much longer because he'll be so devastated by that. My grandfather, who got himself worried sick when my brother just had to go get his appendix taken out, just to give you a point of reference as to how worrisome he is, will probably not even be able to handle his daughter's death. He will probably make himself deathly sick over it. My grandmother, who has never showed an ounce of emotion in her entire life, will probably snap over this.

I don't know. I'm not even going to get into all these what if scenarios, but it's a frightening time. My family drives me nuts- they're big, they're loud, everyone's got to be up in everyone's business, they're melodramatic, they love causing drama and making scenes- but nevertheless they're my family and if anything happened to any of them, I don't know if I could take it. Even if I've always been the strong one, the one that always fought to keep things together during the countless moments of drama within the Meza family, I don't know if I can compete against death. I feel like that's where I'll reach my limit, and that when someone in my family does die, I'll lose that limit and just crumble.

Should've come with a party rap so I know where the night will take me.

Let me say this- going to a party, having a couple of drinks and then being at work at 6 am is not exactly my idea of a good time.

But last night was rather fun. I think it's hilarious that most of my co-workers were surprised at how loud and energetic I was, since at work I'm reserved and all. Stephanie, Charles and Mandy were certainly not surprised in the least, but everyone else seemed to find this other side of my personality amusing.

Only two weeks away from the busiest month that I will have had in a long time. Let's just map a few things out-

Oct 12- Knott's Scary Farm
Oct 13- Alyse's birthday, aka sleepover at Lauren's apartment the night before Disneyland
Oct 14- Disneyland for Alyse's birthday with the Posse
Oct 21 or 22- Lombardi's with the Posse
Oct 25- My brother's birthday
Oct 27- Seeing The Grudge 2 with Carly
Oct 28- Lauren and Brittany's parties....I'll be busy party hoppin' on that night
Oct 31- Halloween, obviously...I will probably have to work since Stephanie and Candice requested it off, but afterwards it's over to Lauren's house for Hocus Pocus/Dracula/Frankenstein (the original black and white ones) movie night

As you can see, many events, so little time. Plus I have to squeeze in the typical ho-hum of work and school. In all, definitely looking forward to it.

Last night before going to Hootaf's party I was with my family visiting my aunt in the hospital. First time I've seen her since March, when she started the chemo, so needless to say I was shocked when I saw her. Bald, with a feeding tube....yeah, was not pretty. I had to leave the room a few times, just too much to handle. My mom almost had another nervous breakdown. Oy.

Something 'side of me

Yes, I have heard it.

The new Girls Aloud single. "Something Kinda Ooh". I was a tad skeptical about the title, thinking maybe they've gone a bit TOO off the deep end (this coming from the same group that unleashed "Love Machine" and "Biology", two of the most bizarre pop singles of the past five year), but sure enough my doubts were rescued the moment "I've got to heat it up" starts screaming out of my speakers. GOD. Why do they have to continue being SO FUCKING GOOD???????????? Something kinda ooh jumping on my tutu???? How can one come up with this? Is it anywhere as remotely brilliant as "Biology"? Definitely not. Does it still put 95% of current pop songs to comlpete shit? Absolutely.

Also!

Jamelia's hopefully forthcoming single "Beware Of the Dog" is utterly fantastic. It samples Depeche Mode (!), almost like Rihanna sampled Soft Cell for "SOS", but herein lies the difference. Rihanna- sings like a whiny 7-year-old (however good "SOS" might have been). Jamelia- sings like a sexy chick in her mid-20s. Which is exactly what Jamelia is, a chick in her mid-20s. Fancy that, eh? Either way, the part where she goes "you better reach out and touch me" would have been SO better if she had actually sang "you beter reach out and touch faith" like the Depeche tune it takes a rip from.

So let's sum things up....

Summer 2006 was SHIT for pop music. SHIT. Fall 2006 is BRILLIANT for pop music. BRILLIANT. Here is the proof-
1. Justin Timberlake drops "SexyBack".
2. Beyonce realizes "Deja Vu" sucked vulture testes and instead switched to "Ring the Alarm".
3. Girls Aloud's new single. AND forthcoming greatest hits album.
4. Sugababes will ALSO be dropping a hits CD and their new single "Easy" within the next month or so.
5. Jamelia's "Beware Of the Dog".

It's just like fall/winter of 2005, when Rachel Stevens, Sugababes and Girls Aloud ALL had new albums out and life in pop-dom was getting back to normal. Then upstarts like Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson had to fuck it all up.

Find yourself a girl and settle down.

I'm very good. Yes, very good. I don't like the word good, but I think it sums up quite nicely.

Favorite band of the moment- The Raconteurs. Genius. Jack White is a flippin' genius.

On somewhat of a side note, but not really because it's a good (that word again!) thought, I've been hanging out with Annie way more than we have since high school. Pretty much since the day Brittany and I drove up to her and Karin's apartment we've been talking on a routine basis, and I've seen her at least three times in the past month. Labor Day weekend was the kick-back at her place, then last weekend was Karin's birthday dinner, then last night I went to Denny's with her, Bo, Pappas, Ashley and Watanab. Then this Friday I'll probably drive up and spend the night at their apartment. That excites me, because for a while my opinion of Annie was rather sketchy. I thought she was a lot less fun, a lot more pretentious and worried over her image, but I realized she's still got that same spunk to her and she truly does care about her friends. I'm glad we've become close again, and I hope this continues. I think that's strange, that when she actually moves out of Santa Clarita, her and I actually become closer. Plus I love Bo. I think he's awesome, and I think he is good for Annie.

Haven't talked in about a week. Which is fine, because I'm still not in the mood to be go-hun buddies quite yet. I'm disappointed that our friendship has taken a hit over this, because that's one thing I've never wanted to happen, but I guess it serves to prove a point. I'm more than fine with how things are turning out in all departments, so that's a good thing. DAMMIT I said good again.

Would be nice.

If I were an asshole, I would be snickering and feeling fairly good about all of this. But I'm not, and so I'm not...or something of that nature.

Of course I'm not happy about it, because he's obviously been hurt. How can I be smiling when he's upset? Still, there is a slight case of Hate to Say I Told You So wrapped up in all of this. Believe me, you don't need to tell me twice that I didn't see all of this coming. I think I can give my instincts a pat on the back for having a hunch that this would go slightly wrong, but does that make me feel any better?

No.

Because it doesn't change the fact that some other hand of cards was ready to be played. Sure, I could call full house and reap my rewards, but deep down I know I'm not capable.

But surprisingly, I was fine when I became familiar with the situation. The outcome of it all made it slightly easier to stomach, but even the details of what went on BEFORE this happened weren't exactly devastating. I promised myself that I had reached my limits, and I think I'm sticking to that promise.

Not to give myself an ego boost, but if history is a telling reminder then I can probably expect an attempt at regaining my interests. And I honestly can say that if that situation does occur, I will smile politely and say 'no, thanks'. Deep down I love him and only wish he could see how happy I'd make him, but it's the fact that there was something else in his mind that looked slightly more appealing instead of me, and the fact that it blew up in his face. I can't bring myself to return the favor for someone who chose something else over me. I can't do that to myself, and if pride is a bitch, then hell I'll take pride all the way to town. Because at this point, my pride is all I've got left, and I'll be damned if something stomps all over it.

Pun.

For some reason today feels backwards. But I like it, I have to admit. Not the day I expected to have...hell, not even the night I expected to have, but I guess that's just been the name of the game for these 24 hours.

I'm still smarting over his phone call last night. I don't understand it...why did he say that? Why did he tell me to not call him for a few days? He should've just called, said good night....or not even called at all, because Lord knows he's done that 10,000 times and I've gotten used to it by now. But no. He called, said 'I wanted to call you back because I said I would', and then says 'Please don't call me for a few days, I'll call you." Naturally, I'm going to ask why. Outrageous? No. And he refuses to tell me. So now I don't know whether it's because of something I did or something that happened to him last night that just makes him not want to talk to anyone, period.

Point is, if you're going to say something like that, TELL ME why, or just do me a favor and don't tell me at all. It's not like we have to talk EVERYDAY, so why don't you just not call me for a couple of days?

I don't know. But I am so done with all of this, even though I know it's the hundredth time I've said it. I just don't know how much more I can do. First the whole Jeremy thing, now this, all within a span of two days. Maybe this is why I need to just swear off getting involved with guys altogether. I was doing good for a while, and now I am just in a fat smelly mess.

Pissed off.

I'M PISSED.

Why?

BECAUSE.

Hmmm, what? Mark's upset about this? Why would he do that? Mark, why are you being an asshole to me tonight?

OH I WONDER FUCKING WHY????

Hey pal, maybe if you got your dick straight and figured out exactly what it is you fucking want, things would be slightly better.

I still don't get how you can't understand why I'm pissed. Why? WHY? I think it's pretty fucking obvious, about as obvious as a hooker on Wilshire on Saturday night. Don't play dumb with me, and don't try to talk your way out of it. Just know that I'm PISSED and you're the reason why.

By the way do me a huge fucking favor and don't tell me anything else about this. Unless you want emasculation to go on your list of adventures for 2006.

Make the beats go harder.

So, as to be expected, we're still stuck back in square one. Two weeks later and STILL nothing? Wow, that shouldn't have been surprising to me. And you know what, it wasn't, so I don't feel like a right twit for cannon-balling into this.

That said, I have to say that there is someone else of slight interest to me. Nothing's going on, but he is nice to talk to and we do have some fairly amusing and engaging conversations. He seems like a nice kid. I'm glad that I called him a kid even though he's 2 years older than me. I think 22 is a good age. Then again, I said the same about 23 and look where that's landed me, so maybe I should be careful about which age is right or not. Pish posh, as I always say.

School starts in four days, which I'm surprisingly thankful for. I'm bored, and school does manage to keep you occupied. Not necessarily in the way I'd prefer, but at least I won't feel like a completely dull, useless mess. Not to mention I've finally caught up on my credit card bill (which wasn't even THAT much, but when you're unemployed for two months it catches up), and have decided that starting next week I can go ahead and start using it again. How keesh. Keesh isn't a word, by the way, but from this day henceforth I shall use it.

I could go for an apple pie right about now.

Incredible.

There's a track currently making the rounds of American clubs and dance stations (since we're always at least 13 and 1/2 months behind the rest of the world when it comes to really f-ing good Euro-pop), and it's titled "From Paris to Berlin". And no, it's not some dull pretentious DJ track. It's from Danish group Infernal. Yes. Danish. The breeding grounds of Aqua. It's the sound of Aqua if they had enough credibility to score themselves a spot on the Ultra Records roster, because Infernal is getting US distribution through Ultra. Because Ultra is our new best friend.

Point being, it's very good. It's very fun. It will make you feel as gay as a horse ride. And you will enjoy every moment of it.

Ring the Alarm.

After two atrocious singles, Beyonce finally decided to unleash something fairly decent to listen to. "Ring the Alarm" is by no means the smartest or catchiest tune around, but in comparison to "is that even a melody?" ("Check On It") and "honey, put it away" ("Deja Vu"), it's much more seismic and deserving of a few listens. I'm particularly keen on her little yelling rant at the very beginning.

If you believe the reporting done on Girls Aloud's Wikipedia article, they will be putting out a greatest hits disc next instead of a fourth album. Slightly disappointing. If Sugababes could wait four albums before dropping a hits collection at the end of this year, Girls Aloud can certainly pull out one more record out of their fine asses. Sure, twelve top 10 hits are certainly enough in this day and age to constitute a greatest hits album (hell, Mandy fucking Moore for fuck's sake has a "best of" CD), but still. A fourth album would convince the general public all the more that a break-up will still be at least another year or two away. Because we all know the day Girls Aloud cease to record together is the day pop music will officially die and drag everything down with it.

Alarming news. Hilary Duff aka Fake Teeth Too Big For My Face Chick has this new song out. It's called "Play With Fire" or some shit like that, and...I just have to confess. I rather like it. It's vaguely listenable. I feel so criminal and so vile for admitting to this, but I can't help it. Dammit. I'm a traitor to my generation.

And it's not just a phase.

It's everything I try to talk myself out of that is also everything I know is true. So maybe I should stop talking in the darker light to myself and begin to brighten my thoughts about this.

I began thinking tonight and I came to this-

I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him, I want to hold him and I want him to hold me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and I want that to make him feel strong and secure. I don't want him to lose an ounce of his independence, his ferocity and his vivacious personality. Instead I want him to realize that those are the things that I love about him, and I want him to know that by giving me a part of himself and just letting me be his caretaker from time to time, he's not sacrificing those qualities. He's not sacrificing his independence by allowing me to be there for him.

And that's something I know I need to develop on. I've become so accustomed for so long to being independent, being on my own, not having to be there for a special person (obviously friends are an exception, but you get the differences there). I'll admit it's a struggle to allow MYSELF to hand patience and comfort over to someone, and especially to allow another person to do the same to me.

But you know what, I think I'm finally ready. If we're going to let his busy schedule get in the way of developing a relationship, then how the fuck are we going to combat it when I go back to school in just two weeks?

I don't care, I just want this to finally go somewhere, and I want us to give it honest effort this time. I don't care what happens, but I want it to be truthful.

Didn't feel so perfect.

Under normal circumstances, I would be kicking myself for completely going against what I said I wouldn't do.

But these aren't normal circumstances. So in this case, I figure 'what the hell?' Go out with your balls out and we'll see what comes of this.

Last night Kristen, Matthew and I rendezvous'ed over at Pei Wei for dinner. After eating we walked around the shopping center, and WHO of all people did we walk right by?

Frank.

Yep.

Frank.

That was unbelievably awkward, hilarious though because we were just talking about his dirty skank ass. He said hi to Kristen, to which Matthew replied "Why the hell would you say hi to us?" Amusing, absolutely.

Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart in Canyon Country, and....I got lost. Matthew bought cubbies for his shoes while Kristen and I made fun of him over it. Matthew took Kristen home, and I followed him back to his house, but we ended up going out AGAIN to meet his friends Paul and Martha at BJ's.

All in all an entertaining evening, albeit one of interesting outcomes. Still not sure how I feel about it, but I won't get my nickers in a twist. Enjoy it for now and let it go where it goes, I suppose.

Let's begin.

Number one-

There are certain things that seem to fly over your head regarding a few situations. The one of primary annoyance to me at this time is your inability to let this whole fiasco down easily.

Here's what I don't understand. You tell me you have feelings for me, you tell me I'm the one that is just right for you, you tell me you've waited so long yada yada crap crap crap, and when we FINALLY get the chance to test these waters, it fizzles faster than you can say "shotgun wedding".

Not that I'm bitter or resentful, because I'm not. So why do you feel the need to express annoyance at how UNannoyed I am with this outcome? Sure, I was disappointed, but I knew why we came to the decision and I felt the decision was a mature, thoughtful one. Our timing just is not right, and that's how it goes sometimes. What's the use in putting myself into anemia over this when I know deep down it's not going to work at this moment?

So to sum this entire rant up, here's what I have to say: You can't expect me nor want me to continue having feelings for you and continue wanting you if you know yourself that it won't work out. I don't play like that. I don't waste my time crying over someone that I know I can't be with for whatever circumstances, and I don't expect the other person to do the same. Considering HOW much time I've spent wondering if something could happen between us, I'd say this solution is fair game.

Three years I've spent wishing you were mine. Three years I've spent regretting the decision I made in the VERY beginning when I had the full-fledged opportunity to MAKE you mine. Three years I've spent hoping that the friendship we've built up would be the perfect foundation for the perfect relationship.

In no way do I want you to be any less a part of my life. But I will not feel guilty if I meet someone new in the future or if I'm just plain all right with the fact that our attempts at dating were unsuccessful.

I'm sorry, but I don't have another three years left in me. That's all I can do, and all I am willing to do.

Beyonce...she continues crashing...

Here's what happens when someone very young, not all that experienced though talented as she is, is given too much praise and freedom far too soon. After becoming the bootylicious dictator of Destiny's Child and then saying "see ya bitches" to strike it on her own, Ms. Knowles became the unofficial president of the world almost instantly. But with Dangerously In Love, she had good reasons to be so insanely popular- she had some cracking good singles (namely "Crazy In Love", but the others were just as delicious). But lately, the B has been slacking off. Earlier this year she unleashed "Check On It"- not surprisingly a huge hit, if not the most irritating single of 2006 by far. Now she's trying to get our attention with "Deja Vu", and it's floundering on the charts. This week it slipped to No.32 down from No.30, no doubt due to that what the fuck of a video. Honestly. Who told Beyonce that dancing like a psychotic spasmic freak of nature was a brilliant idea? Not ot mention the song is devoid of any remotely interesting hooks or a chorus. Lazy is what I call it. Just lazy. She applied herself on "Crazy In Love", determined to keep up with that groove and those horns before they ran her over and smashed that beautiful face into the asphault. "Deja Vu" is a lackluster attempting-to-be-funky-but-really-just-dull exercise in overhauled funk and bass crap. Bah. I'm thoroughly disappointed. Even the new Christina Aguilera single is better, and for me to admit that is indeed a huge problem.

What the hell?

I try to log in to Myspace today, and they're saying my account's been deleted???


Uhhhhh...noooooooo?

UPDATE: Nevermind. It's working haha.

I found this just now. It's interesting, because when I finished reading it I realized just how true it was. I'm sure it's obvious who the Gemini is:

Cancer and Gemini

Lively Gemini and sensual Cancer are often attracted to each other, but deep down there's little in common. One of the key points of attraction is the lively Geminian wit and great sense of humour, but sadly the Twins have a habit of playing games with love that will soon wound your sensitive feelings. The scatty, flirtatious behaviour so characteristic of the Twins will soon make you feel very insecure, so an affair is likely to be quite volatile. Sensual Cancer, a Water Sign. is ruled by the changing Moon, while chatty Gemini, an Air Sign, is ruled by communicative Mercury. Mercury is optimistic, outward-looking and communicative, but can be critical and cutting, while the Moon is nurturing, inward-looking and growth-oriented, but changeable and moody.

You'll need to develop mutual goals and work together on projects that you can share, so that the energies can be put to work instead of degenerating into jealousy and restlessness. If you can find a common goal, Gemini's remarkable social networking skills and lively command of language can be a fantastic asset, while your command of financial matters and ability to focus beyond the moment will keep the Twins on track and functional. This relationship is not going to be easy, but if you make the effort, it will be rewarding. Sexually you are intense and deeply emotional, while Gemini tends to get bored easily and is rarely in it for the long haul. Gemini has a deliciously light touch and initially finds your sensuality and romantic imagination intriguing, but basically the Twins are rather too shallow and too superficial to please you for long.

Do you have enough in common for a long-term relationship? You seek security and domesticity, but Gemini hates being tied down. Can you endure the constant round of parties, the restlessness and the gossip line - not to mention the execrable taste in clothes? Only if there are excellent compensating aspects between Moon and other chart factors should you expect this match to endure much past the initial sexual attraction.



So can we talk about how much that hit it on the head? Seriously. Perfectly explains everything I, as the Cancer, was feeling about him, as the Gemini.

There's a part of me that truly is disappointed that our opportunities were not taken advantage of, that we didn't just take what was there and ran with it, no matter what the outcome. That's the romantic side of me.

The practical side of me is thankful things concluded when they did, thankful that we maintained balance and ultimately discovered it was not the right circumstance. I don't think about you as much as I used to, and though I smile every time I talk with you, laugh at everything you say, it's not the smile or the laugh that I used to have around you. And that makes me feel somewhat relieved and somewhat defeated all at once.

Better hop in the shower. My grandparents are coming soon to take me to lunch for my birthday, then I'll see what Ms. Brittany is doing. I think we need some good old bonding, just me and her. We haven't done that in a while.

Music blog numero 1.

Every now and then I'll do a little rant or commentary or whatever the Jesus you want to call it on music. I have to practice for when I'm running my own witty, sarcastic music magazine.

Here are some new songs currently making the waves.

Justin Timberlake "SexyBack"
"You see these shackles, baby?" Justin inquires within this song. The only shackles I'm seeing are the ones clamped down on any possibility of an 'N Sync reunion, for judging by this material it looks like the rest of the guys will be popping a squat in JT's shadow for many albums to come. I'm thinking JC Chasez is probably annoyed that the sounds on his ignored-for-shit album "Schizophrenic" have been essentially ripped off here on "SexyBack"- that whole hip-hop meets dirty electro, complete with naughty quips like "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave". No doubt a huge hit on our hands here, and as long as Justin appears half naked in the video, I'll be sound as a pound.

Fergie "London Bridges"
The results of a sad plastic surgeon's joke gone terribly wrong. The woman who feigned a Jamaican accent on a few Black Eyed Peas tunes and pissed her trousers onstage suddenly woke up one morning and thought, "Hmm, this sounds like a jolly day to ditch my money-makers and strike it rich all by my weasly self!" Upon which the world closed their doors in her over-operated face and kindly said "No thank you".

Bananarama "Look On the Floor (Hypnotic Tango)"
Only in the 20th century can a wretched '80s group go from having their best-known song licensed for a Venus razor ad to suddenly having the No.2 club hit in America. Of course it won't cross to the pop charts, we ARE Americans, after all, but it's nice to know that drag queens and club kids from Boston to San Diego will be jumping around to these 30-year-old tarts.

Cassie "Me & U"
Sounds like Aaliyah's younger cousin doing a lesser version of "Try Again". One hell of a keyboard twinkle also. Sounds like I may have found my guilty R&B pleasure of the season.

As you can see, a rather interesting mix of tunes this summer. All I can say is pop is surely making a comeback, and thank Allah for that.

I spilled my milk.

I guess it's typical to feel this way, but each day I wake up itching.

The itching hasn't stopped, as much as I've tried to convince myself that things are fine and they will work out on their own.

As much as I tell myself that, I can't stop itching. I want to jump out, I want to cut loose, I want to drive somewhere I've never been before.

I want to see new faces, meet new souls, get some new thrills.

Seems like lately I haven't been satisfied. I love the people I know already, I'm thankful for what I have, but does my glass only look half full? What is it that I'm missing?

I'm missing freedom. I'm missing living in the moment. I wish I could find them, because I know this is the time in my life where I should be embracing them the most. Pretty soon it'll be too late, and my regrets will be far and wide.

Pickles.

A few things.

A. My birthday dinner was a blast. Had a fantastic time. Loved it.

B. Work is going quite well. I'm enjoying it.

C. Tigerheat tonight- yeeeeeeeeah.

D. This really gets under my skin. Spencer replied to a bulletin I posted yesterday about how much fun we had at BJ's, and he said "Glad I was invited".

...

That really irks me. When was the last time Spencer and I hung out? Honestly, I can't remember. When was the last time we called each other? Well the only time in recent memory that I can recall that he called me was to ask if I knew of any parties to go to and if he could go along with me. Wow, thanks. And on my birthday, did he even call me to say happy birthday? And he expected to be invited to my birthday dinner?

It's not that I have anything against Spencer, because I don't. But we're not exactly the best of friends anymore. It's not that I dislike him, but we simply don't hang out or talk that much anymore. My birthday dinner was with people that I consider to be my closest friends, and frankly he's not on that level with me anymore. He's got his own friends, his own life, I've got my friends and my own life, and that's fine and dandy. Besides, I know he's only disappointed that he wasn't invited because it was a big gathering that he was left out on. He wouldn't have gone because it was MY birthday, he probably just wanted to come hang out with a bunch of people. And he's not even really friends with anyone that was there. He's friends with Brittany, he's sort of friends with Stephanie, and he knows Leslie, Lauren, Amanda, but they don't exactly like him. They don't dislike him, but they've never gotten to know him all that well and they haven't particularly been fond of him for the past few years from what they DO know of him. So even if I did invite him, he wouldn't have exactly fit in.

That's just irritating. It's not like it was just a random hang-out, it was for my birthday, and I wanted people that I am close to. And I'm just not close to Spencer anymore. He should understand that and not get all butt-hurt just because he wanted to be included on something.