Mark is such a good boyfriend.

Why, you ask? Because of the following reasons...

1. I'm coming by Brandon's mom's house once a day while they're out of town to feed and play with their dog and to water his mom's plants.

2. I just bought us tickets to see one of his favorite bands, the Tokyo Police Club, in October.

3. I'm going to buy him a very very expensive Christmas present.

So let this be a lesson to you all that you'd be lucky to date me. ;)

JOKING! I'll stop being a concieted asshole now.

You can stand under my umbrella. Bitch.

Just some thoughts. I'm really really tired so I'm kind of in a weird, goofy mood.

#1. I got to sleep over at Brandon's last night and I get to do it again tonight. Yay :)

#2. I've had this blog for over a year now...my first entry was like a day or two before my birthday last year. Time flies.

#3. I think I should be an umbrella for Halloween. That would be really funny. I'd make it extremely random and just what the fuck.

#4. I WANT A BEACH TRIP. We need to organize this.

#5. Brandon's kickback is tonight, and it should be fun. I hope a lot of his friends come, because I've only met/hung out with Cody and Britney. They're both really cool, especially Britney but I've hung out with her more than I have Cody, but I like Cody also. I'd really like to meet more of his friends. A couple of them have left comments on his Myspace or Facebook saying that they want to meet me, so I guess the feeling's mutual. We'll see.

#6. Last night after work I went to Albertson's to get some food and alcohol for the kickback before heading over to Brandon's, and my cousin Donnie was working. It was really funny. He was pretty surprised to see me buying a bottle of Jaegermeister (spelling?) and a bottle of Bailey's, I think because a) he forgets that I'm older than him, and b) he probably still thinks of me as a goody-goody nerdy kid from back in the day. But it was good seeing him.

Uh, I guess that's it.

Well

I guess every blog will just be about Brandon. Oh well, it happens.

Anyway, things have gotten better since I last updated. He seems to have returned to his same, silly old self...which I'm glad about. At my birthday party on Saturday he gave me a ring that had the date we first met inscribed on the inside, which is quite possibly the cutest gift I have ever recieved in my entire life. I definitely realize that a lot of my frustrations are self-inflicted and I have to stop myself from freaking out. I think a huge part of it is I'm a creature of habit. When certain things have happened to me before, I look for patterns to repeat themselves. So that's how I've been approaching a lot of things in my relationship with Brandon, when I have to realize he is a different person and what we have is unlike anything I've experienced before. He's not like the guys from my past, and that's something I have to be happy about.

We've been together for just over five months now and we're at the point where it's not completely lovey-dovey, that we have to work at it and have to truly figure each other out. I think we're doing an okay job, but it's just strange for me because I've never been in a relationship long enough for it to get to this point. But he's been patient with me and I appreciate that so much.

Anyway, Brittany and I were talking last week about having a beach trip, so that's something I would love to put together before summer is over. Maybe even BEACH CAMPING!!! Because I haven't been on any sort of trip this summer, other than Disneyland back in June. Hmmm, I shall attempt to set this up. Even if it ends up being just a day trip, it'd still be most fun.

Am I supposed to change, are you supposed to change?

Here's what scares me. My gut feeling.

Most people's gut feelings are right on a majority of occassions. Mine is no exception. Now that I look back on it, I realize that each of the times a guy has broken up with me, I could feel something beforehand. It happened with Spencer, it happened with Matt, who were the two boyfriends of mine that dumped me in the end.

I'm not saying I feel like it's going to happen with me and Brandon, but I definitely feel like something is off between us, ever since he returned from Canada. When he got back I was envisioning us being totally excited and thrilled to see each other again, and the first night he was back it definitely was.

Since then, however...not so much. It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been very warm. As a matter of fact it's felt cold. When we've been alone together these past couple of days, I don't know...it feels weird. I told him a couple of days ago that I think it's been different since he's been back, and he says nothing is wrong with him and everything is fine. I was moody a few times earlier this week and he said that's the only thing that he's noticed, but even on my birthday and yesterday when I was in a good mood I just felt like he wasn't really all there.

Last night I don't know why or how, but I just got really upset and just sat and cried to myself in bed. I kept thinking what happens if he does break up with me, and I kept thinking to myself that something just didn't feel right. It was my gut. My gut keeps telling me this, and I can't ignore it. He's at Magic Mountain today so I can't talk to him. I want to talk to him but I feel like since we already had a talk earlier this week about it, he might think I'm being overly emotional or paranoid.

I just want to know everything will be all right.

I'm yours.

I want to be the one you grow old with, the one you imagine your life with- because I want to grow old with you, too. I don't understand how or why this happened, all I know is I've found you and I'll fight with every weapon I've got to keep us together. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I lay in bed at night and imagine that I'm holding you 'til I finally drift asleep. When you're gone, even for only a few days, I can only talk about how much I want you to come home. And when I see you again, even after only a few days, I'll hug you and kiss you like we've been apart for years. You've got to believe this, because I believe in it. For the first time in my life I'm finally, completely, unquestionably sure of something- that we were brought together for a reason and that this will change both of our lives forever. You've already changed mine, because you make me realize what's important, you make me appreciate things that I just didn't take the time to see. When you tell me you love me, it makes me feel worthy and important, because only a person of great value should be loved by someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. How can it be that I haven't even known you half a year, and yet I feel completely confident picturing my future with you, because you've fit into my life so perfectly? I know this is real, and I know that you're the one.

Kind of sums how I feel...

At my place and I was on the phone
But it's you that I'll always call my home
In a world where the sun don't always shine
I can see tropicana in your eyes

When you're gone, my loneliness is real
Got your love to remind me how to feel
In my head I can see our long goodbye
You kiss my lips as I try to fix your tie

I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me
I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say

Cos dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call
Dark streets only suffocate me, now you're off to Singapore
Heart aches, God it nearly breaks...each hour I'm waiting for your call

Please means more, I see you knocking at the door
Got it right in my place
Cos dreams means five and I'll be rocking on the floor
Can't you see it in my face?

Ugh..I miss him.